To ask ex for dates to commit to dates for contact with ds

[User7777]

Very very long back story, I'll try to summarise:
Ex was abusive to me and still tries to exert control. Been separated over 8 yrs, he has a partner, we live 2 hours away from each other (both moved 1 hour in opposite directions), we meet in the middle . Ds is 12.

Over the years, Contact has changed (always with some schedule) between fortnightly / 3 weekly / monthly / none (at one point for over a year). I've never stopped contact, always enabled it even when it's been difficult for me.

Contact has recently resumed (my instigation as ds really wanted it). Ds loves his dad, wants to see him frequently.

I'm trying to set a calendar of dates (with room for flexibility if needed) for contact. My reasons for having set dates are : 1) Ds always asks when he's seeing dad again, bear in mind he has had periods of time where he didn't see dad at all. 2), I want to plan for my weekends with / without ds - I don't get much childcare so a free evening out is a big deal to me. 3) for my own mental health, I can't deal with having to arrange a spontaneous weekend for ds to visit dad, as I never know how ex is going to respond to me.

Ex says he can have Ds at any time and doesn't want to commit to specific dates. If I message him he takes days to reply. I can't talk to him on the phone. He has told ds that he can come anytime so ds believes this. However, Ds often gets v sad and misses his dad, in which case him knowing when he's seeing him next helps.

Aibu in thinking most people have set dates, or some kind of schedule, so all parties know where they are?. And that having dates in advance (eow, until December) for contact is a reasonable ask?

Yes it's obviously not unreasonable to want specific dates. If he won't commit to a date then just arrange your own plans and if he turns up and it's not convenient then tell him to go away. Have you got a formal arrangement in place? Might be worth doing this..

Thanks for your reply.
He won't turn up unexpectedly. It's more likely he'll randomly talk to ds about coming over and then ds will want to go regardless of any plans. Then I'll be the bad guy again as ds will just think I'm stopping him from seeing his dad, and he will sulk and be angry, sad and difficult for that weekend.
Formal arrangements are a good idea.

You need to contact a solicitor and have a formal agreement set up to avoid this.

Do you tell your son how important it is to do the plan you planned first? Tell him this so he knows that Dad turning up doesn't mean everything should change. Formal arrangements are the way forward.

I also think a formal arrangement would be the best way to go.
Your ex is still trying to have some control over your life imo so don't let him get away with it.

Yes. I can see that. It will solve this in one go.
How do I go about doing one? Do we need to go to mediation first? I've no evidence of his abuse, other than my extreme stress whenever I have to deal with him.

Would DS like every other weekend and would you be happy with that?
If so I'd suggest it, as the status quo going forward.
I'd also tell his dad that it is what DS would like (don't mention your preferences) and given that you are prepared to facilitate it.
I'd say that while ex might not want to commit to specific dates, DS does want that so he knows what is happening.
I'd tell him that DS is old enough to be aware of the plans and that it will be on the calendar etc.
If he doesn't agree I'd say fine but those weekends are when DS will be available, DS will be aware of that, and it is up to ex if he wants to see him then. He won't be available outside of those times and be will be aware that those are the times he should be with ex.

You aren't there at his convenience, he needs to commit to his son.

TBH at 12 I'd also make my son aware that things have to be planned in advance to fit in with life and commitments - he probably does clubs or football or something, which happens on the same day every week. This is just another example of how we plan things in to our life, and while he might want to see his dad on an ad hoc basis, with the distance between you this isn't a practical option and so it is better to plan it in advance.

Excellent advice, thanks.
Ds does not at all see why he can't see his dad as and when. I think his dad has been talking to him about it. Also, all he does with his dad is online gaming, which I try to limit at home!
The other issue is that if I push his dad it's likely he'll just stop contact.

Push him and let him stop contact then
He doesn't sound like a great dad

I would set the dates for him.

Email him, work towards those dates. It’s down to him to change it or come up with something for himself.

It’s hugely frustrating. My XH did the same, but I gave him the bare bones of a schedule and we vaguely stick to it. (He works away a lot, but also loves very nearby so has its other frustrations).

I have a 16 and a 15 yo. Pretty soon your DS is going to want to see less of you both and more of his mates, do stuff, go to parties. You and his dad have, what, 3 or 4 years left of being in charge of his schedule? Then neither of you get a say. Maybe you could get his dad to understand that what happens now matters?

I never understand why time with their own DCs isn’t snapped up.

My own typo has made me cringe. ‘Loves nearby’ 🤢