To think that my DD's father should not have told her to purchase a holiday gift for my (recent ex)?

[midcenturylegs]

(Name change - just found out DD's Step-Mum is on here)

Just that really. I've recently left my partner of 5 years, reasonably amicably. My DD's father (who I split from 10 years ago) has told me I should not have done that, as he was "good for me". DD is away on hols with her Dad and she's texted me saying she has bought the recent ex a present and a card but how should she get it to him? (She's 11). She's told me that her Dad asked her to do it.
Are there some weird mind games going on here?

How strange. Is it your ex partners birthday or is this just a random present?

I think I would be telling DDs Dad to keep his nose out of your business!

Hmmm it's a weird one. Depending on how close your dd and the ex were.

If exh split with his now partners after years of being together, I would imagine I would do the same. Exhs partner is a big part of my kids life.

Does she see him as a step father type role? If so it's perfectly nice to get him a memento from holiday

Is it a case of DD buying little gifts for loved ones back home, and your ex suggested she get one for your ex-DP as well? I'm presuming your ex-DP was a big part of your DD's life from a young age. Plus if your ex knows that the split was amicable, and he clearly thinks ex_DP was a decent person, then maybe he thought it would be a nice gesture? I don't think there's necessarily anything weird going on.

First off, I’d want to be sure her dad really asked her to do it. Or was it something she wanted to do, he concurred and now she’s saying it was his idea as she senses your disapproval and doesn’t want to upset you?

I wouldn’t get into the whole mind games train of thought to be honest. Just because that way lies madness. People are entitled to their own thoughts and opinions, and the only person’s actions you can control are your own. You can influence what other people think of you if they are reasonable,!open minded people, that’s about it.

The person this is probably most complicated/unsettling for us your daughter. So I would focus on making sure she feels happy and secure. If she still feels affection/a connection with your most recent ex, then that’s a good sign that it was a worthwhile and healthy relationship, even if it wasn’t forever. She spent some of her formative years around him. And unless he is a threat to her or you in some way, if she and he want to have some form of continued relationship, that’s their business.

If your daughter and ex keeping in touch is just your baby daddy meddling, it will fizzle our soon enough.

My one caveat to that is make sure your daughter doesn’t get hurt if your ex doesn’t want to stay in touch. You might need to explain to her that a continued relationship takes willingbon both sides.

It seems pretty reasonable that your dd wouldxwant to maintain a relationship with your partner whose been around from when she was age 6!
Maybe your dd asked her dad how to maintain her relationship with your ex and he suggested birthday & Christmas presents and cards?
What are you going to do about their relationship? You say you split amicably so you probably should support her to stay in touch with him if he wants to and comfort her if he doesn’t stay in touch.

When I first met my new dh he was in touch with the daughter of a previous girlfriend. They gradually drifted apart quite naturally as she grew up.

I would tell her to bring it to you and you will sort it out, and reassure her that it's a kind thing to do. Then throw it away.

Super helpful comments - thanks all. I know it's not a good idea to try to second-guess DD's father's ways and means, just history has proved he has a nasty streak.
DD never liked my recent ex. He's a good guy but her feelings towards him were complicated. At the start they got along fairly well because he did stuff with her - but her Dad put a stop to those things (indoor climbing, park runs etc) after expressing jealousy. But ex has Aspergers, and my DD couldn't quite cope with that. It's part of the reason we split, sadly. I don't particularly want to spend too much time with my ex, but I'm happy if DD does. But I don't see that she would, she hated it when she was around... All very complicated and I'm musing out loud!

She's 11 so your ex has been in her life since she was six which is a long time, you can't expect her to just switch off any feeling she has towards him just because you have and I think it would be lovely if they were able to maintain a relationship together.

Ah so DDs DF (Ex1) liked Ex2 because he could control and manipulate what was going on in the house/with his DD etc and to top it off due to the Ex1's control DD never really had much of a relationship with him.
Now Ex1 is worried that with Ex2 out of the picture there will be a new DP who may not be so easily manipulated or controlled and DD might like her new potential stepfather.

If your DD never had much of a relationship with Ex2 and you are open and approachable then have you sat down to talk to her about your recent breakup and any possible contract going forwards? If not then I think that's the thing to do. Tell her she needs to share her feelings and through with you, you will listen and try to help as much as you can etc. My money is on she's not that fussed (going on they didn't do much together) and it's Ex1 worried a new partner will come along shortly who he can't manipulate.

Hey upsideup - I'm not expecting her to not want to see him, I think it would be great if they did do stuff together. And I think that now we aren't in a relationship together her Dad might not tell her he is jealous of my ex doing the things with her he can't (climbing, running etc because her Dad isn't the active sort).

OP, I have a different perspective, as the stepmum in a very similar situation (don;t worry, I'm not THAT stepmum!).

My DSD's mum has just split from the man who replaced her father 18 years ago (an office affair, to be fair it lasted until she had a more recent one and has repeated the process!). DSD's DM is now being a bit awkward about the kids and grandkids maintaining contact with him, but we think they should. After all, he's been in the grandkids' lives for ever, and helped bring up the kids (now in their 30s).

It's hard not to get involved; we are trying to be supportive from afar. If you DD wants to maintain a relationship, even if you think it is being manipulated by your DH, please allow her to for her sake and that of the man you loved for quite some time.

Ah RafikiIsTheBest I think you may be quite close to the mark here!

We went camping recently (after the split) and DD's Dad said to DD "You can't go camping without "Ex2" being there? How will you get the tent up?"
(We got our 6 man tent up perfectly, thanks Mr Misogynist!).

I have spoken to DD about seeing "Ex2". I'm leaving all options open for her, so she can choose to do whatever she likes. But I think she will be much happier without him being around and certainly our own home will be much less fraught. Things have been tough dealing with his coldness/anger/inability to relate to other kids.

wink1970
Right now, my DD would probably say that she probably wouldn't be fussed about not seeing him again. But I think she's a bit confused... I know that there'll be some fallout in the near future. But I do understand that he's been around for a huge part of her life and I'm happy for her to spend time with him and his parents if she wanted to (just not his father as his ASD tends to strong anger outbursts on occasion, another part of the reason for splitting!)