To give up volunteering within scouting?

[freshstart24]

I've volunteered as a cub leader for 4 years. Initially I started as our local
Unit desperately needed leaders and my son was due to start.

DS moved on 18 months ago and I have continued. I give up 3 hours one night a week. Plus a couple of hours admin time per week. Then adhoc emails which parents expect a swift reply to, planning meetings several times per term which take up an evening and several Saturday or Sundays plus one or two camps per year.

I'm struggling to fit it into my life. I do it because I believe in what scouting offers young people- fun, adventure, freedom, friendship and resilience. I also enjoy spending time with other adults in scouting as they are generally adventurous, positive, optimistic, non judgey and fun.

However I've realised that I've not made many actual friends despite 4 years of volunteering. I'd have liked to make friendships that spilled over into non-scout life but I haven't really. Everyone is lovely but for whatever reason don't seem to be wanting to make solid friendships.

I'm struggling to fit everything into life. I feel guilty that I'm spending time offering opportunities to young people when my home is a tip, DS is home alone, and DH is doing dinner etc after a very long and stressful day a work. I also work But shorter hours than DH and I have Saturdays off. I feel that I ought to do more at home to make up for my shorter hours and much smaller salary.

I'd like to go to a slimming world class one evening a week- I find it a very easy and healthy way to loose weight. However that would take me out another evening per week. I'd also like to do more exercise, and walk our dog more.

I'm really struggling with fitting everything in and something has to give. I'm feeling terribly guilty as I'd be letting my team down but I TBH it may have to be cubs. That way I could do slimming world, exercise, spend time with my family etc. AIBU?

You have done it for 4 years. Think of all the people you have helped in that time. Don’t feel guilty about passing the baton to someone else.

Sometimes you need to put yourself first.

I volunteered with a different youth based organisation for 16 years (started as a child!) got to the point where I wasn’t enjoying it and was actually finding the beuracracy and other things going on stressful. After a lot of consideration I left completely (I did consider just stepping back but knew I wouldn’t be able to) and have never regretted it.

I agree that you shouldn’t feel guilty.

However I also want to say that you don’t have to do more at home to “ make up for your much smaller salary “. I assume that you earn less because you have taken time out of work or gone part time to care for your home, child and husband.

Your husband has already benefited from this in many ways, including his higher salary and pension. You don’t have anything to make up for. If anything he should be making your financial and career loss up to you!

Thank you for the thoughtful replies.

Rosemary46 I do feel guilty for working less hours and earning less money than DH. He doesn't make me feel that way, but I do. He isn't DS's dad, although they are close. He works so very hard, in a stressful job, long hours, Saturdays and only four weeks holiday per year.

I was a single mum before me met and worked a four day week (as I do now). It was a huge struggle to make ends meet. Since meeting and marrying DH things have become so much easier.

I cannot get past feeling incredibly grateful to him. He's a wonderful DH, and I wish he had more time to get more fun out of life (as does he). He's effectively working his ass off so I can be a more involved mum, and have a life including doing cubs and I do feel bad about that sometimes.

I’m a cub leader, and I can totally understand the way you feel, it can become quite overwhelming.

We have an unwritten agreement in our scout group that says our priorities should go family first, work second, scouting last. While it doesn’t always work out like that, it dies sometimes help to get things in perspective.

You have nothing to feel guilty about if you decide to stop. But do you enjoy it? If so, could you scale it back a bit?

Do you have assatiant leaders who could do some more of the admin, or could plan some of the activities for meeting. Could you limit the number of weekend activities you do? Could you stick to one camp per year?

Could someone step up as leader and allow you to become an assistant leader instead, so you have far less planning/admin etc.
I’ve found that if I keep one evening a week for admin/emails etc that helps, parents will just have to wait for a reply!

Could you limit planning meetings to once a term? We have one at the beginning of each term at which time each leader/assistant agrees which evenings they will organise. there also distinct meetings once a term, but we take it in turns to go to those.

Ultimately though, if you’re finding it too much, it’s time to step away - don’t feel guilty, you’ve already given so much more than most people are prepared to give.

I did guiding for 5 years for similar reasons. Took over when my daughter joined and now she has finished.

I did really enjoy it but a lot of the work of my unit fell to me. Some I didn't mind but planning would have been better with their involvement.

Anyway, we moved and the time impact on my own family started making things more challenging than they had previously so i made the decision to step down at the end of the summer term.

I've managed to fill that 'one hour a week' slot with an activity for my son (additional needs) already. And the leader taking over is lovely, ringing me to ask for advice and stuff so I know I've left them in good hands.

Mentally I feel better too. I didn't realise how much head space was being taken up by guiding. It had started to feel like a chore rather than something I was doing because I wanted to. I have stayed on in our district as a casual helper. So if people are short and I am free, I can volunteer if I choose to.

If you yourself are getting nothing or very little out of it, but it is impacting on your ability to do other things that you want to do, taking a step back is nothing to feel guilty about.

There is always the option to return if you want to further down the line.

Well you need to give yourself a talking to for feeling guilty.

He’s not doing it all for you. Did he work like this before you met him ? I bet he did. He’s doing it because he wants to . You benefit in the same way that he benefits from all your domestic labour.

Before he met you he had to do all these things himself. Does he feel guilty that you do most of it now - that he has a happy family life based on the sacrifice of your income and career?

No he doesn’t.

His step son ( and other kids ) benefit from your time a volunteer. Society as a whole benefits from organisations like the scouts .

On you family You BOTH benefit from being together. Gratitude and appreciation for each other is a good thing. Guilt is not.

My girlguiding group closed when I stopped running it, out of 32 girls no parents could be found to take over.
Quitting was the best thing I've done, not having to plan something for every week has made my life so much easier.
(As if it's only 3 hours a week! Replying to emails, sorting camps/paperwork, chasing subs, planning, buying resources takes ages!)

I might go back when DD is old enough to start beavers/rainbows -but I might not.

I still help at county events and camps (which is where I made scouty friends, at a group level everyone is off on their own so it's hard to find adults who aren't surrounded by cubs etc whereas at events there is more sitting in the pub one night a month planning etc!)

Agree that you need to put yourself first.

You’ve volunteered for 4 years, that’s likely 4 years longer than most other parents.

If volunteering means that you don’t have enough time for other things you need / want to do, and you’re getting very little out of volunteering, then you should not feel guilty for quitting or cutting back on the volunteering.

Yanbu. I did it for one year pre dcs and that was enough for me! I think I did see some very close knit friendship groups. Obviously I wasn’t around long enough to break into them, but they did seem like good friends. But all their meet ups seemed to be Scout related. Not always with the children, but official Scout away weekends with other Scout leaders etc. It wasn’t for me, though the children were mainly a delight, (some of the parents less so).

Well you need to give yourself a talking to for feeling guilty.

He’s not doing it all for you. Did he work like this before you met him ? I bet he did. He’s doing it because he wants to . You benefit in the same way that he benefits from all your domestic labour.

Before he met you he had to do all these things himself. Does he feel guilty that you do most of it now - that he has a happy family life based on the sacrifice of your income and career?

No he doesn’t.

His step son ( and other kids ) benefit from your time a volunteer. Society as a whole benefits from organisations like the scouts .

On you family You BOTH benefit from being together. Gratitude and appreciation for each other is a good thing. Guilt is not.