I think my actual question is - is it down to the parent to make the effort or should the child make effort too?
Context: have always had a really difficult relationship with my dad - am in my mid twenties now and have little to no contact with him whatsoever. Neither of us ever try.
Parents split up when I was 8, dad moved about 80 miles away. Always saw him consistently every other weekend. When I was about 16, had awful mental health problems begin, self harming etc. At one point when I was really low I just stopped making the effort to go and see him as I just didn't feel up to it - however during this time he didn't talk to me, call me, text me even though he knew what I was going through. Was eventually diagnosed with Bipolar, once I was on my meds I was more stable and once again started seeing him again. However, it was always me ringing him, organising to go down and see him etc. Nothing in return. When I went to university my mental health took a massive plummet, stopped taking my meds, ending up having a miscarriage. When I went to university I was still making the effort to see him - I think he came to visit me once.
I'm feeling the worst I've ever felt, I drop out of university, but I get a job and carry on living in my university town. At some point down the line I get raped, I tell my family. Dad is supportive to begin with but once my mental health gets even worse he washes his hands of me. Doesn't want to talk to me (I wouldn't want to talk to me either, I was very depressed, suffering PTSD) so I don't blame him. However, my mental health was so appalling I couldn't stay in my university town anymore and had to move back to my mothers. As I was stuck in a tenancy agreement my dad agreed to pay off the remainder of my rent and he also ended up paying off my student overdraft. He completely cut contact at this point - I got sectioned and he came to visit me once. I was in hospital for about 6 months and I got ONE VISIT.
Anyway - now I've been out of hospital a few years and my life is on track. I have a lovely DP, a good job, a nice house and we are thinking about trying for a baby. I made the effort to text my dad and say let's meet up for lunch (after 2 years of no contact). Dad came and said 'come down and see us soon'. After that I heard nothing, no invite to come and see him, no text, no call or anything. I was going to message him and arrange it but it just reminded me of all those times when I was younger that I made the effort to go and see him and never really got much in return. I am grateful for the fact he paid off my rent and my student overdraft. But I just want him to send me a text to say 'are you free on this weekend to do something' or even just a phone call to catch up.
Would it be unreasonable to wait for him to contact me to arrange something even if that means never speaking to him again? I just so desperately want him to reach out for once in his fucking life and make the effort to see me. It's really hurting me and I so desperately want a relationship with him but I don't think I can go through the heartbreak of feeling rejected when it's me who has to make all the effort.