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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go now?

28 replies

Pettyspaghetti · 20/08/2018 12:46

This is very trivial, I know, but wanted advice as i don’t really know what I should do.
Close friend has asked if me and DD want to go to the circus with her and her DC. I’ve said yes, sounds great and DD will like it (even though I’m iffy with clowns).
Close friend has then told me that her friend “Emma” is also going, it was Emma’s idea, and she asked close friend if she wanted to bring anyone, so close friend asked me. I don’t like Emma at all, she always seems to muscle in on close friend whenever I’m there, almost like “she’s MY friend, not yours”. I’m aware of how childish this sounds Blush
I think close friend knows I’m not a fan of Emma, but i’ve never said outright that I don’t, as I know that some people just don’t mesh well, and it’s no skin off my nose if we don’t like each other- however I’d rather not spend time with her.
If I’d have known Emma was going to be there I would have made an excuse and sat that one out, but I’ve only just found out that she’s going AFTER I’ve said yes.
Should I suck it up and go, even though I won’t enjoy it and dislike the company? Or make my excuses and leave it?

OP posts:
Clairetree1 · 20/08/2018 12:50

I would go, its still a treat for DD.

Lynne1Cat · 20/08/2018 12:53

Just don't go. Say you've changed your mind. Then let that be the end of the matter.

ReservoirDogs · 20/08/2018 12:54

Well if Emma thinks close friend is her friend not yours it will put her nose out of joint that close friend invited you. Go for dd.

MilkybarGrownup · 20/08/2018 12:56

Difficult but I would go as if I were taking my children alone. You don't have to socialise with Emma at all. Just sit on your friend's side and unless directly addressed, speaking to Emma or more accurately, getting annoyed by her, is totally optional.

SeaCabbage · 20/08/2018 12:58

Have you told your DD about it? That would be my only concern. If not, I would let your friend know that you thought it would only be her and that you don't want to go if Emma is going. No big deal, we all have our likes and dislikes!

theunsure · 20/08/2018 13:03

I'd either not go - or invite another friend to come with you and go with them so it is a bigger group and not just you and Emma (plus the DC).
Then you can more easily ignore Emma!

I hate Emma's

Original poster
Pettyspaghetti · 20/08/2018 13:27

Haven’t told DD yet, I only tell her plans either the day before or on the day, just in case something goes wrong. I just don’t want to come across as that awkward friend, I’ve already said yes so saying no now would make it obvious that it’s because Emma is going. But it’s true what a PP said, we all have our likes and dislikes!

OP posts:
AviatorShades · 20/08/2018 13:36

You're going to be enjoying DD's first circus, and that's going to be pricelessSmile
Concentrate on that and her and I'm sure you'll have a fab time. And elephants are huge, aren't they?

Actually I really dislike circuses, but hey ho..!

picklemepopcorn · 20/08/2018 13:38

Have the tickets been bought? There are loads of perfectly good reasons if not- you'd like to go with DD's Dad/grandma, you've decided you really can't cope with the clowns...

Original poster
Pettyspaghetti · 20/08/2018 13:59

Tickets haven’t been bought, think we would be paying on the door. I don’t know if DD would like it, she’s never shown any interest. I only wanted to go as I know DD adores friends DC, and I wanted I spend time with close friend too. From past experience with Emma, she likes to dominate all conversations and tries to exclude me. I don’t let this happen, but it irritates me and I don’t want to be sat there with a face like a slapped arse. At the minute I’m leaning towards not going, but I don’t want DD to miss out on spending time with her friends.

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 20/08/2018 14:03

Suck it up and go. Who is sat on the same row as you won't impact on your enjoyment of the circus.

BathroomLights · 20/08/2018 14:07

Don't go. Spend the money going to a wildlife park or something like that to see the elephants.

ShatnersWig · 20/08/2018 14:08

I would never ask in the way she did, and I never get why other people don't. There are times when you want to socialise in a group and times when you just want to do something with one friend.

In her shoes, I would have said "I'm going to the circus with Emma and all the kids, did you want to join us?" Saying "Do you and your daughter want to come to the circus with me and the kids?" would always make me assume it was just us.

If you don't like Emma, don't go. Easy.

HollowTalk · 20/08/2018 14:09

Why would you go? I'd say, "Oh a circus sounds good but I don't really want to spend the evening with Emma, so I'll leave it now."

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 20/08/2018 14:13

If youre dd knows she's going and looking forward to it. It'd be a bit lousy to pull out now because Emma "cant play nice".
I mean it'll be not one scrap of skin off her nose if you don't go, but It would be for your DD.

Original poster
Pettyspaghetti · 20/08/2018 14:21

Yeah that’s what confused me! Initially it was “do you want to come to the circus with us on X day” which I assumed meant her and DC, and possibly her DH.
DD doesn’t know, so I could always take her somewhere else and she’d be none the wiser. I love my close friend to bits but think it was a tad bit sneaky how she mentioned Emma after I’d said yes.

OP posts:
Nothisispatrick · 20/08/2018 14:28

They don’t have elephants at circuses in the UK! Do they? Shock

I’ve been to several circuses and none had animals.

Aprilshowersinaugust · 20/08/2018 14:33

If nice friend tells Emma you declined the invite she will be smug imo.
Go and sit in a different row.
Get behind them in the ticket line so they won't know you aren't sitting next to them til you all sit down and its too late.

Antigon · 20/08/2018 14:34

It sounds like your friend wants you as a buffer between her and Emma because she is overbearing!

In this situation I would just say to my friend 'I've noticed that Emma is very possessive of you and excludes me from conversation. Can we meet without her? It's starting to get to me and I don't want it to affect our friendship because DD and I love spending time with you and your dc.'

teaandtoast · 20/08/2018 14:45

I think your friend knows full well that you wouldn't have agreed to it, had you known about Emma.

She was sneaky, imo. I wouldn't go. Develop a really bad sore throat/illness of your choice the day before and cry off?

Original poster
Pettyspaghetti · 20/08/2018 14:48

Funny you say that, I think I’m starting to feel a bit under the weather...
and yeah, it was sneaky. Close friend has known me for a long time, so deep down she probably knows I dislike Emma. I thing she wants us to get along, but it’s not going to happen. If she has a problem with Emma then I’ll offer unbiased advice and try to be as polite as possible, but that’s as far as it’s going to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pettyspaghetti · 20/08/2018 14:50

Do you think I should just put all of my cards on the table and tell her than I’m not too keen on Emma? I don’t want to make this a “thing” but maybe this will stop her trying to get us to socialise?

OP posts:
BasicUsername · 20/08/2018 14:54

It doesn't need to be a big deal, just say "To be honest I'm not Emma's biggest fan, I find her quite rude, so it would be best if we leave it, and perhaps you and I can arrange to do something else with our children next week?"

Excited0803 · 20/08/2018 14:56

She's your mate, just be upfront e.g. "Thought it was just us, sorry but I find Emma a bit overbearing in small groups. Can we do something separately with the kids on Sunday instead as I know DD would love to see DC just as much as I'd love to see you?"

Anonymumm · 20/08/2018 15:02

I wouldn't put your cards on the table, you might upset your friend and make her question her own relationship with you.

I'd make an excuse, don't go in to too much detail, just say you've double booked or can no longer make it because of X Y or Z.

I used to worry and be a people pleaser but, whilst it goes against the grain somewhat, I am learning to say no.

I don't my like when people just spring it on you that someone else is coming, one of my friends used to do this a lot, invite you for coffee then you get there and oh I've asked so and so too, or we'd go for lunch and she'd bump into a friend and without asking me if it was ok first, all of a sudden friend whom I've never met is being asked along to lunch with us (I sound like a right arse saying that, but just to be asked would be nice, it's not something I'd have done the other way round either)

I used to meet up with a good friend and one of her friends, whom she'd known longer than me, one time her friend was early to where we were having lunch, we entered the restaurant sharing an umbrella and her face looked like a slapped arse, she didn't shake it off for s good half hour and then it was the usual taking a trip down memory lane and what great times they'd had and she couldn't believe they'd be friends so long, it didn't bother me per se but it was irritating and try as I might I just couldn't gel with her, so after a handful of social occasions, any further invites were met with an "oh, I'd love to but I can't manage" I think my friend soon read the situation.

I am learning that you're never too old to be let down, or to feel disillusioned with friendships at times.

If DC doesn't know hen she won't be missing out, go with your gut, and do what YOU want to do, not what you think will please others.