I'm so annoyed with my husband he's so bloody selfish

[chocolatelover123]

As above I'm so angry with dh right now, we have 4dc and the littlest is 13 months at the moment. I've just handed in my resignation 3 weeks ago it's the first time ever that I'm being a SAHM I've already gone back to work albeit part time but still work. Anyway dh works full time and does cabbing on the side. He works really hard and I don't expect him to do any really at home. He had this mentality that being at home or even when I was part time, that I've got it easy. I bloody work hard with 4 kids. It's been hard summer with them arguing all the time and entertaining them. We are going on holiday in a few days I arranged everything, I've done all the packing his including, I asked him to double check he jve got everything he needs and he keeps putting it off saying he's tired. I don't ask him to
Cook, clean or do anything really. He moans if the kids come running when he gets home because apparently he's too tired and needs to unwind. He's just so selfish he doesn't understand that I do absolutely everything and don't complain and I certainly don't have it easy.
A few days ago I said to him I'm
Leaving the kids with my mum while I get my nails done for holiday and he said you only leave them with your mum for your things but not for anything concerning the family. He always thinks I should leave the kids with my mum if I need a break. I rarely do so if I'm
Tired apparently it's my fault.
I'm just so upset over his thinking I know he'll probably never change. I can't believe he doesn't understand how hard it is and he doesn't want to take responsibility and thinks I should take my mums help.
I just needed to vent
I hope the above makes sense

Stop having kids with him. Look at what you'd like to do for a career that you can train while still being a SAHM. See if your mum will help you with some regular childcare while you train. Get yourself a career and some power in your relationship (or get yourself a career and bin the relationship). Your DH does sound like a selfish arse but you can't change him, you can only try and create better opportunities for yourself.

Boom definitely no more kids. I always wanted a big family and I figured out along the way that having kids was never really a priority with him although I made it clear before we got married about having a big family and he never said anything to me then. A lot of this if from his family but that's another story. I will definitely look at going back to work although I've only just become a SAHM. I have a okay ish job and I'm trained in department but can definitely progress with further training. My 3 dc are full time school so I think give it a few months I'll be looking for work again.

So DP has a full time job and a part time job, you just quit your full time job and now have a part time job?

Can I ask why you quit? Is he crabbing on the side because you can't pay the bills otherwise?

You're getting your mum too have the kids whilst you get your nails done, he said you should leave them with mum now postern to give yourself a rest and now you're mad at him for not recognising you work hard?

Surely him saying leave then with mum now is because he knows you need a break and he has two jobs so can't give you a break when you want one?

That sounds like your best route. I'm glad you're not in as difficult a position as some. It is shit that there are men like this out there and you are justified to complain about him.

Sleeping sorry my post may be unclear, yes he's working full time and let time cabbing, just for extra savings. I have resigned my job completely 3 weeks ago as dh insisted to as we can now afford to, and with the other dc I went back to work. So he's saying enjoy the time with the kids for a while. I'm annoyed because I literally do everything for him I did when I was working too, I don't mind that, he doesn't help with the kids I don't mind that either but he thinks I have it easy and shouldn't complain. He thinks if i need a break I should send kids to my mum rather than him have all 4 even for half hour
While I get a few things done. Yet I'm
Not even asking him
To but I just want him
To understand that he's job is tough no doubt but so it mine and the least he could do is appreciate it. Btw I NEVER have my nails done or treat myself to anything. I've only decided to this time as we are off on holiday.

Boom thank you. Yes I appreciate there are lots of people in worse off conditions to me. I just needed to rant. Why don't men ever appreciate anything? Arrgjh

OK I get you a bit more now.

Tbh if he's working two jobs is he ever actually home?? He totally should have the kids when he's home but I wonder if the reality is that he's working so many hours he doesn't have chance to have them alone enough to feel confident with it? So he needs to work less even if that means you going part time and he needs to step up with the kids.
Men can and do appreciate what sap's do, but I think they have to have a taste of it first to understand

Sleeping believe it or not he is actually home quite a bit as his full time work is shift patterns. He especially has been seeing the kids a lot more now that they are on school holidays so are staying up a bit later. All I'm
After is a bit off appreciation rather than if your need your time send them to your mums. I actually really suggested for me to not resign and for him to reduce his hours but he insisted that I should and he's for me with his hours.

Plan something just for you when he is at home and leave him to it. Then he'll know what it's like to be a SAHM.

I am guessing he does not realize that it has become a habit in your relationship for him to criticize and complain constantly.
Tell him. Ask him to pay attention.
If he refuses to believe you record him and show him.

Agree you just have to leave him to it. Pop to the shops for something you forgot and go the long way. Make plans with a friend. Tell him don't ask him because he isn't your boss. If you want to work then work. It isn't his place to insist you quit if you don't want to.

He won't understand what it's like running around after 4 kids unless he does it.

He obviously thinks childcare and housework or womens' things. Hence his super helpful suggestion that you stop working and if you need a break, get your mum to have the kids for a bit.

If a man has no interest in his own children, you are flogging a dead horse. Stop expecting him to suddenly see childcare as a man's responsibility. He's a sexist. That's him. See him for what he is. Not what you wish he were. Then decide what to do about your situation.

Leave the kids with him alone for a weekend. See who's laughing then.

I'd look at trying to retract your resignation at work. I suspect that you could regret giving up your financial independence. I know I did, although I have much of it back now.

If you can do that then insist that he is more supportive at home. In his eyes that might mean that you are speaking more from a position of strength.

I don't mean that to sound bad, even though it isn't ideal. Some men do see being the SAHP as less of an equal role. That means that the SAHP feels unappreciated and undervalued.

How do the DC feel about the fact that their DF doesn't want to spend any time with them?

It doesn't sound like he was that interested in having kids so you were basically not compatible in that regard. If I married someone who decided he wanted 4 and I didn't necessarily even want any then its a problem.

Anyway 4 kids is a lot of work. No shit Sherlock. Why did you have 4 when your husband works all the time and you're staying at home with them. It kinda was your choice, your husband has a point.

Thanks for your replies everyone, think I'll definitely leave him alone with them for a day and see if he gets it then. Don't get me wrong he does spend time with the kids but as a family not alone. On his day off we have family time go out a lot and they absolutely adore their father. I chose to have my kids as did he, so no regrets, but because deep down I feel maybe he didn't want kids that's the reason why I do everything myself, I'm kind of feel it's me who wants them hence my responsibility. When I did work he helped with the kids usually only 1 as others were in school so it wasn't too bad and only for half day then my mum has then for the rest as he went to work. He also helps with the morning school run too the whole past year.
Definitely will look at getting back to work. I think your right pp that some men don't think that SAHM are equal, I think he may just have this thinking unfortunately.
Thank you all