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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Handling DPs mum...

18 replies

loverly · 19/08/2018 23:01

DP is moving in next week. He is mid 20s and still lives at home. His mum is not happy he is moving out.

She wants to come over for tea asap (maybe 2 days after) after he has moved in and has made digs about 'needing permission to drop in to see her son' once he lives away (5/10 mins drive). I know I have to have her over but AIBU to not want her over for at least a week after he's moved in (she can help move him - just not official 'tea' situation which I think she is expecting) as wary about too many opinions before he's put his stuff where WE are happy with it being...etc. Also if we have her, we have to have his dad too on a separate visit who is VERY opinionated.

I really just want him settled and us both comfy before having people over. It's my flat he's moving in to...so my stuff is moving out/into storage to make room for him).

OP posts:

lindyhopy · 19/08/2018 23:05

Just tell them next week isn't good for you and arrange for the following week.

Aprilshowersinaugust · 19/08/2018 23:07

Imo best to have her /him over while it's still looks a shambles of stuff. Less chance they can get too cosy and over stay their visit. Then he can have visitors on your nights out and he can entertain them!

AjasLipstick · 19/08/2018 23:10

AIBU to not want her over for at least a week after he's moved in (she can help move him - just not official 'tea' situation

Yes YABU. I am sure he's happy for her to come and you now share a home. He has the choice really, not you.

What does a few days matter?

I really just want him settled and us both comfy before having people over

You make him sound like a baby! He can "settle" himself I am sure.

It's my flat he's moving in to

But it will be his home.

Zcarter · 19/08/2018 23:18

@AjasLipstick do you not remember first moving in with your partner it’s all sex and getting to know each other no one wants there own Mum or partners Mum round right away....

pictish · 19/08/2018 23:21

I think you should avoid getting into a pissing contest with his mum.

“AIBU to not want her over for at least a week after he’s moved in”

It’s not a contest. Don’t compete with her. Be chill where she’s not. Don’t join in with her ffs.

HotTeaCup · 19/08/2018 23:22

YABU. If you want this relationship to work you need to stop trying to be so controlling. It will be his home too, it will no longer be your flat only any longer. They are his parents so you should try to be less standoff-ish and more welcoming especially if you plan on living with their son. He may want to invite people to his new home without having to ask your permission. He is an adult so stop treating him like a child.

pictish · 19/08/2018 23:25

P.s As Ajas said, he can decide when his mum comes over for himself.

“I really just want him settled and us both comfy before having people over.”
He’s not a rescue puppy and you’re not his new owner. Stop it.

RabbitsAreTasty · 19/08/2018 23:32

If he can't ignore his parents demands about where the forks and socks should be then your relationship is fucked anyway.

Leave him to decide when his parents come round for tea. If they tell him how much they hate your tea towels, ignore, leave him to deal with it.

If he unquestioningly obeys their every suggestion after they've gone then you may have a problem. Best to know now.

If you reject all suggestions they make then he may have a problem. Best he finds out now.

Are you in a relationship with a grown man who knows his own mind? You seem to think not. Best find out soon if you are right or wrong.

Mummaloves · 19/08/2018 23:34

YANBU - My mums the sort of person that would push for this too, or she would just turn up. Whenever she likes. And she frequently does even though we have had numerous 'words' about her doing so, her opinion is "I'm your mother and I'll do what I damn well like" whereas I think it would be nice to be pre warned that she's coming purely because she is so judgemental and if the house is untidy or we are slobbing it in pjs she would be disgusted - and she would tell us too !

Start as you mean to go on OP - don't let his mother dictate to you when she will come for tea at YOUR house. She should be invited, not tell you when it's happening.

Original poster

loverly · 19/08/2018 23:36

Okay. I'll accept that maybe IABU. She's made it so clear she doesn't thing it is a good idea for his to move that naybe that's making me feel a bit protective - I don't want judgements made on the state of our house before it's ready to be seen.

Just worried - she has already said how unhappy she'll be in she can't just drop in.

But maybe I do just need to be less controlling - it'll be an adjustment living together as tbf I bought the house alone so I'm used to thinking of it as mine. Thanks for replies :)

OP posts:

Original poster

loverly · 19/08/2018 23:38

Thanks @Mummaloves - it is mainly a 'I want you to like it so please don't turn up when it's a shit tip'...situation! :)

OP posts:

DeusEx · 19/08/2018 23:43

I don’t think you are necessarily being unreasonable but @RabbitsAreTasty puts excellently the case for just sucking it up.

How old is he?

Original poster

loverly · 19/08/2018 23:45

OP posts:

Maelstrop · 19/08/2018 23:54

It IS your house. Until you’re married, it is yours and you can send him away again. His mum needs to wait for an invitation, she can’t just come round whenever. You decide, not her.

AjasLipstick · 20/08/2018 00:03

Zcarter I'm sure nobody's THAT busy having sex they can't spare an hour for a cup of tea!

whatwouldyoubelikeat28 · 20/08/2018 00:06

Wow. Just moving intogether and already kicking in with the DIL from hell attitude. Just have her for tea, suck it up, don't take it personal. She's probably upset he's moving out cause he is moving in with someone so controlling! Maybe she's upset cause he is her SON and he is leaving home - that does make some mothers very teary!

SynchroSwimmer · 20/08/2018 00:09

Could you arrange to be at “your yoga class/the gym/working late” so you absent yourself, your chap then shows his Mum around, amid all his, as yet unpacked stuff....so it’s just a quick visit?

Not sure if that’s helpful though...

RabbitsAreTasty · 20/08/2018 00:47

I am much older than you so I am pretty good at giving no fucks what other people think. This is the best thing about aging.

I remember how hard it was to give no fucks about being judged at 26. Especially in the face of blunt statements by older women who give no fucks.

Maybe get your feminist juices flowing.

Older woman judges you on your home? Aaargh. Worst thing ever. Cringe. Hide. Ensure everything is perfect before her visit. FFS man, pick up your pants and wipe that stain off the sink before she arrives and judges us me, the woman for failing to be adulting properly judges me for failing to be a good fifties housewife.

Have you read Wifework? I don't agree with the conclusions but the first few chapters are thought provoking. She explains how strong modern independent women suddenly self-impose olden days values upon themselves when moving in with a man. The men like it, it makes their lives easier and makes them feel speshul. And before you know it, you have turned into one of your mum's friends that you swore was a sexist female dinosaur.

As Synchro wrote, if you cannot ignore the judgy judgy then be conveniently out when he shows off his new place. This is probably the best approach for the first 2-3 visits. Maybe be fleetingly in to say hello for the second and third visits before having to run to something else. By then she might have come to terms with it being his place rather than your place and you can all have a lovely dinner together.

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