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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex husband behaviour

26 replies

Mummy1679 · 19/08/2018 22:33

Been divorced three years but up until now have kept good relationship for kids. He has them two nights in week and every other Sunday for the day. Go to school stuff together , will get together for children’s birthdays etc.
He doesn’t pay any CM or contribute anything for the children at all as he claims he has too much debt to pay off. Runs own business so CSA useless. I work full time so am managing but it can be a struggle.
But in last week or so his attitude has changed and he is becoming very aggressive towards me saying he has issues about the way I am looking after the kids - for example - wearing (in his words) cheap clothes and hand me downs. Says his family are beginning to comment on what they look like. I get most of their clothes from Asda or Primark!
He is now demanding that things are done on his terms and he wants separate parents evenings and to go to assemblies by himself.
If this is the way he wants to go AIBU to bring up money and maintenance again??
Or am I going to make things worse for the children?

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 19/08/2018 22:39

It’s a shame he doesn’t want to parent together, parenting means taking on both emotionally, physical and financial responsibility for children

I would in your shoes ask him why he feels that it’s acceptable to him to not be financially responsible for his children and then be critical of the only person that is financially taking care of his children?

jay55 · 19/08/2018 22:40

Tell him he is more than welcome to buy the kids clothes.

ShawshanksRedemption · 19/08/2018 22:42

No you are not being unreasonable at all. He makes no contribution at all money wise so has not say as to how the kids are dressed. You can explain to him that as you are paying for everything with no contribution at all for him, you can just about manage financially, but if he isn't happy, he can start to contribute.

Never ceases to amaze me how some non-resident parents pay nothing towards their own kids. OP, even if he could pay £5 a week, it would help go towards something. He could renegotiate his debts and sort something out, surely?

Overwho · 19/08/2018 22:45

Looking at this from outside I am in shock. I presume he feels you must be loaded or something. Tell him to put up or shut up.
I must ask was this really said, or is there some context missing here. Seems totally off the wall.

amy85 · 19/08/2018 22:46

What's the betting he has a new gf on the scene? Whenever my ex starts being shitty to me that's usually why...
But anyways no yanbu if he wants to start being a dick then he can start paying for his kids

Melliegrantfirstlady · 19/08/2018 22:48

Yes you should ask him for money?!

And yes to a new love interest being on the scene

Original poster
Mummy1679 · 19/08/2018 22:50

Thank you. No it was really said which is why I’m in disbelief. It is totally out of character for him as he’s never cared about appearance before. As I said we’ve always had a good co- parenting relationship up until the past week apart from obviously the lack of money which I have let slide for the sake of harmony for the kids as I know there is no chance of getting any

OP posts:
ThreeHousesNoHouse · 19/08/2018 22:51

His family are commenting?! Ask him to get them to contact you directly so you can explain the children are in cheap clothes because he has prioritised his credit score over their day to day needs.

ionising · 19/08/2018 22:53

ionising

Yes go to CSA or CMEC or whatever they are called now.

How dare he criticise you and not provide himself?

Cheeky fucker at best!

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 19/08/2018 22:56

god almight the cheeky fuckery is stunning.
Be careful though OP, he might have something up his sleeve..not sure what, but...

seventhgonickname · 19/08/2018 22:56

I do t see how he can stop you going to assemblies and teachers do not have time for all separated parents to be seen individually.I think he wants to take a girlfriend with him to show what a great dad he is.
If he wants your kids in different clothes he can buy them.

Stefoscope · 19/08/2018 23:40

Take no notice of his or his families comments about the clothes. If they were really that concerned there's nothing stopping them from buying more expensive clothes. Plenty of kids wear day to day clothes from Primark etc., no point in wasting money on clothes they'll soon out grow or damage, especially when the father isn't contributing.

If he wants to dictate parents evenings etc tell him fine but he has to sort it out himself with the school. I'm betting he won't bother and he's just testing how far he can push you. YANBU at all to bring up the subject of maintence given the circumstances.

Thehop · 19/08/2018 23:42

“Have they really? Tell them the truth, only one of their parents supports them financially”

AlphaBravo · 19/08/2018 23:45

Why are you even enabling contact if he wont pay for his own kids?!

Maelstrop · 19/08/2018 23:51

That’s outrageous of him! Does his family know that he doesn’t give you any money? I’d bloody well tell them!

missymayhemsmum · 19/08/2018 23:53

Agree that the children shouldn't look scruffy. Give him the list of school uniform, shoes, trainers, pe kits bookbags, new undies, coats and everything else required for the new term, from the recommended uniform suppliers and confirm that you accept his offer to buy his kids good quality new clothes on a regular basis from now on.

Confirm that you will no longer tell him about school events as he has chosen to liaise with the school direct and keep up with the children's diaries himself.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 19/08/2018 23:55

Ask him to get them to contact you directly so you can explain the children are in cheap clothes because he has prioritised his credit score over their day to day needs
^^this

In the nicest possible way you should have called him out on the lack of payment right at the start !and not been so soft. You should definitely do so now. How dare he!

sockunicorn · 20/08/2018 01:02

I would guess "his family" translates into "my new girlfriend" and he wants them to look nicer for when he introduces them, to show her what a doting and spending father he is.

CanuckBC · 20/08/2018 07:38

Being in debt is no excuse for not paying child support! If it was no person would ever pay support! You need to get a solicitor and get him laying stat!

He is a dead beat dad of the nth degree. Takes the kids but pays for nothing! Has the balls to complain about what they are wearing! He can bloody well clothe, shoe, and whatever else them then! Kids are expensive and it sure doesn’t help if one parent pays for nothing!

I am in Canada but when I divorced my lawyer said the judge would not sign off unless child support is included. Is it that different there?

abbsisspartacus · 20/08/2018 07:42

Yes it is different here because we as a country are a bit shite at prioritising financial support for children

SabineUndine · 20/08/2018 07:50

I’m with sockunicorn. There’s a new woman in his life and I’ll bet she’s commenting on the clothes and wanting to go to school stuff with him.

AveABanana · 20/08/2018 08:34

Well that's great isn't it, if he thinks he needs to buy the DC new clothes? And here he's saying he'll start a dialogue with the DC's school so you don't have to act as middleman.
If you feel to respond just say "it's wonderful you will be organising your own parents evening appointment from now on, and the kids are looking forward to your clothes shopping trips too!"

mickeysminnie · 20/08/2018 09:14

I would say a new woman as well.
If he wants all seperate school meetings let him have the number of the school and tell him to crack on.
As for the clothes, I would be very passive agressive and contact his family saying that maybe for Christmas and Birthdays they could buy the children new clothes as they are worried about the standard. Then mention that as your ex has said he is unable to contribute ANYTHING for them financially that you have to concentrate on providing the basics rather than luxuries.

BeyondMyThoughts · 20/08/2018 09:17

Is their a new girlfriend on the scene?

I would ignore the comments about clothes, he doesn't contribute so tough and there is nothing wrong with Asda or primark clothes

YouTheCat · 20/08/2018 09:25

If he wants separate school meetings then he can sort that himself. Things can be done the way he likes when he has the kids. When you have them do as you want. If he wants the kids in smart clothes then I'd suggest he takes them shopping.