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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how sociable your OH is?

48 replies

Musicforthemasses18 · 19/08/2018 12:24

My DP is massively antisocial - he doesn’t really have friends and is very introverted. It kind of bothers me but I know it shouldn’t. I am the opposite- have loads of friends and find it easy to make friends. I am sociable but it often means I do a lot on my own as he never wants to come.
How sociable is your OH? Should I be bothered? I just don’t know- it didn’t bother me before but it does as I get older.

OP posts:

SleepFreeZone · 19/08/2018 13:01

Just sociable enough to get on well with his colleagues and network but not so sociable that he wants to be out all the time away from the family. It works well for us as I’m quite a home body.

echt · 19/08/2018 13:01

Unsociable, not anti-social.

Anti-social is pissing through letterboxes.

I rather like the Victorian phrase of unclubbable ( though not in the fur seal sense)

I am introverted.

SleepFreeZone · 19/08/2018 13:03

In terms of hosting he isn’t great with my mother but is pretty good with having friends over.

He can be arrogant though about work so I don’t trust him with my close friend’s husband who is in the same line of work. I think it could end up being a pissing contest 😬

heattreated · 19/08/2018 13:06

massive red flag if no friends?

Depends totally on what you are looking for surely, no?

My Dh doesnt have a circle of friends (met a friend here and there when first dating) but is very accomplished/ capable and has absolutely flown up the ranks at work thanks to his social skills. No group of friends but will go golfing/ mountain biking with work once a month or so.

So having no friends doesnt necessarily mean you're an odd ball and can't get on with people.

Monny1 · 19/08/2018 13:10

My DP is the same. I get frustrated at times, but he won’t change. It just depends, if you can live with the situation. As long as you are happy together in your relationship, that is the main thing.Has he always been like this, or has he changed over the years?

DiegoMadonna · 19/08/2018 13:11

I don't think it matters how sociable other peoples OHs are really. Obviously some will be very sociable and others less so. That's life.

What's more important is that you're on the same page as a couple. I'm not exactly a social butterfly, but I'm not an introvert! I like going out with friends at the weekend, good at talking to new people, etc. but also like to stay home with the family other times. And importantly, my OH is pretty similar. I can't imagine him never getting to know my friends or their partners, that would be pretty weird and awkward to me. We often have barbecues and stuff with friends, wives/husbands and kids, so we all know each other well.

But maybe for other people they wouldn't mind never meeting their OH's friends. It's more about what you want from your relationship, and honestly if you think it's driving a wedge between you, you need to have a serious talk with him about it.

puppymouse · 19/08/2018 13:19

Both DH and I have friends. But both of us are highly anti social and would mostly choose to stay at home than go out. Having said that he has a new group since he started a hobby, who all live within sight of our house who he really enjoys being around. He is choosy about who he spends time with. I am just a total baggage and would rather have animals than people around me and can't tolerate others for longer than a couple of hours without feeling very tired or grumpy. None of my friends are really aware of this as I force myself to be polite and stay with it. I usually feel like I've been hit my a brick after social situations.

TiffinBox · 19/08/2018 13:30

Have a read of this article on social energy and how some people are drained of social energy very quickly and need time alone to recharge. It's very common amongst people with autism and social introverts.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/uoitmentalhealth.wordpress.com/2015/06/03/high-functioning-autism-social-energy-overstimulation/amp/

Celebelly · 19/08/2018 13:35

Not at all but I'm not generally either so it works well :D We are sociable with each other and always chatting etc. I am probably a bit more sociable than him as I have a decent amount of friends who I see reasonably often and stay in contact with, but he just isn't interested in friends particularly. He has some he's had since childhood and he's friendly with people at work but wouldn't see them outside of work situations. We don't have mutual friends but it's never bothered me - honestly going out on 'double date' evenings is my worst kind of nightmare.

We are both introverts although I'm an extroverted introvert (that is, if I'm surrounded by introverts or in a situation where I need to be more extroverted I can do it but it's exhausting and I need a few days in a dark room to recover. I always come home drained from conferences where I present, etc.!)

amusedbush · 19/08/2018 13:38

Not at all. Neither am I.

We’ve been together for six years and neither of us have met the other’s friends. In fact, he doesn’t really have friends apart from a couple of people he sees at the occasional gig/football match. I have a very small number of friends but they don’t know each other as I much prefer one-on-one contact.

MinaPaws · 19/08/2018 13:41

Not at all. He has no friends. Not a single one. He doesn't get that you have to work to maintain friendships. You can;'t ignore people for eight years then call them for a beer and expect them to be overjoyed at eharing from you. I'm very sociable and have lots of friends now that I've stopped trying to cultivate couples who drop us as the men and DH never get on. I just go out with my women friends and they occasionally invite us as a couple to dinner. I used to mind so much. It made me really unhappy and lnely when I tried to keep DH's social life alive for him. I ditched that responsibility and decided never to feel guilty any more for going out as much as I need to as an extrovert, to keep my mental health in good nick.

TowerRingInferno · 19/08/2018 13:57

VERY antisocial and has no friends.

I do resent it. I’m introverted but do like to see friends. I wish I had someone to come with me and give moral support at coupley events. Mostly he refuses to go to things. If he does come it’s very stressful because he comes across as very rude.

Dilligaf81 · 19/08/2018 13:57

My DH is antisocial. He has 3 uni friends who he will socialise with but hasn't been out with them for nearly 2 years. He sometimes goes out with work mates but rarely.
Its so bad that when our DC were page boy and bridesmaid for a friend of mine her aunty sat behind us in the church said Hello then said '' oh he does exist then". He thought it was rude, i said it proves hoe rude he is with never coming to any event involving my friends. He only comes to my family occasions if he feels its a big enough event. I.e a 60th/30th etc.

AngelsAckiz · 19/08/2018 13:58

OH is not sociable at all. He's very nerdy and lived a house cat life with his mum till he met me: an extrovert!
I've shared loads of firsts with him and it's been fantastic.
He's not great with other people and generally struggles to relate to anything apart from tv, film and videogames but he's been broadening his horizons very well. He throws himself into activities I suggest 100% and needs to recharge at home afterwards. I'm cool with that.

drastard · 19/08/2018 14:04

DH is an introvert in the real sense, not the MN sense. He needs time to himself to recharge and would often chose to spend time in a small group or by himself. He loves his fortnightly-ish nights out and twice-weekly bike rides.

He loves to socialise and enjoys hosting at our home. However, he loves time to himself.

He's a keen biker (motor, mountain and road), sailor and rugby player. He's always said he enjoys being by himself in a group which I think sums him up quite well.

As long as he's happy...

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 19/08/2018 14:06

DH is as sociable as I force him to be. He has mates from Uni he still sees, goes to golf regularly and has friends through my 'Mum' friends, too.

I arrange visits to/fro with his Uni friends and their wives because, frankly, they're all useless and lazy at booking anything, plus they're mostly lovely so the wives have sort of become my friends.

He's mates with a few of my friends DH's just because he spends time with them, so again he socialises with them when I organise stuff.

In his ideal world he'd come home from work, sit in his dangerous pants in front of the cricket and drink lovely red wine whilst maintaining friendships via text/email with possible meets at Christmas only. How he married someone who loves socialising as much as I do is beyond me; his best life contains him, the dog and a packet of M&S shortbread biscuits.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 19/08/2018 14:09

I was married to a very unsociable man. I lost count of the parties, weddings etc I went to on my own. My work friends used to joke that I'd made him up. In the end it contributed to the end of the relationship as I got fed up of going everywhere alone.

I'm now married to one of the most sociable people I know. The novelty of having my husband by my side on nights out, parties and weddings still hasn't worn off 6 years down the line. It's a great feeling and definitely contributes to the strength of our relationship.

ASqueakingInTheShrubbery · 19/08/2018 14:15

My DH is very sociable with his own friends, out most Saturday nights (which I'm grateful for as I really need time alone), and at things like DD's parties he's straight out there playing football with the kids and entertaining them. I need a bloody good reason, like a 40th/70th birthday or a wedding, to get him anywhere near my friends or family. It's disappointing but he won't change. I quite like a break from him and am always glad if the chance to do something on my own.

PheasantPluckersSon123 · 19/08/2018 14:19

Mine is deeply antisocial. It’s great because he’s always around to watch the kids while I go out with my friends.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/08/2018 14:22

TiffinBox I read that article and wasn't impressed. Some people are label-seekers and seem to like nothing more than applying labels to others; that's how the author of that article appears to me anyway.

I personally think that some people are just 'sappers'; they take everything, from conversations, from events, from people - they want - and take - it all. To a degree, they talk too much, don't listen and turn conversations back to themselves and their own doings and whatever streams of consciousness are running through their heads. Exhausting to be around.

If I were married to one of those people, I'd feel lonely - and frazzled at the same time.

I think DiegoMadonna nails it. If you're socially incompatible then you will always be dissatisfied with your partner's 'way' because it's the person who 'doesn't want' that will win. To force somebody into socialising would be abhorrent to me - and I'm very use to pasting a smile on my face and playing up to an audience.

If it really matters to you (general) then find like-minded people to marry/live with rather than trying to coerce them or silently seething of their unsociable-ness. It's really just a mis-match and perhaps you (and maybe they), would be happier with a different partner.

donajimena · 19/08/2018 14:22

I wish mine was more social. He'll go out with me but won't on his own. He had friends when I met him but they seem to have drifted away. I'll chat to anyone when we are out and love striking up conversation with new people. He doesn't contribute. Its pissing me off atm.

Goth237 · 19/08/2018 14:24

DF is slightly more sociable than I am (that means he'll see a friend perhaps once a year) and we don't have the same friends. But basically we're both anti-social and I love it!

Odiepants · 19/08/2018 14:35

DH used to be more sociable but as he's got older has retreated more into his small 'safe' group of friends who are all very similar to him and he spends huge amounts of time chatting online to them. I've given up trying to go out with other couples as he doesn't generally get on with the other men and can be quite rude and dismissive of them.

I'm better with small groups rather than lots of people but love seeing my friends and am interested in people in general. The plus, as someone else said, is that DH rarely goes out so I always have him for childcare when I want to be out.

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