Confusing sexual identity

[MintTulips]

There's a lot going on in my brain with regards to sex - not just at the moment, but my entire adult life. IABU to ask for your thoughts/similar experiences?

Outwardly, the easy way to describe me is straight. Had way more relationships with men than women. Have a DH now, a man. Very, very happy - no desire, inclination or frankly time/energy to pursue anything in addition to him. Planning to have children with him.

There are, however, two relationships from my past that 'haunt' me, for want of a better word. Both happened at university around 10 years ago, one with a man, one with a woman. I say haunt because these relationships still have a profound effect on my sexual identity today. I'm not sure if it's in a good or bad way, but I'm confused by the lasting effect they've both had.

Relationship with the woman: Essentially a very intense friendship during which I fell in love with her. We'd often kiss, and on one occasion we were the two women in a mff threesome. It was my first sexual contact with a woman, thought looking back it was one sided. I gave to her but she did not return the favour to me. Still, being 20 and naive I perceived a hugely sexual energy between us, but she did not. She shot me down when I told her how I felt and our friendship fizzled out shortly afterwards. I've pursued women since, but I've never found the spark I perceived with her again. Women are a regular feature in my fantasies today though, much more so than men are.

Relationship with the man: Aged 18, he was the second person I'd ever slept with. A fairly traditional story - boy meets girl, they flirt for a while, they kiss, the tension rises, they have sex. He was this huge, larger than life character. The kind of person that the whole room gravitates towards. So funny, so charming. I found myself drawn to him like a magnet. Something was never quite right though, and I didn't fall in love with him. He wanted a formal relationship, I always told him no. We had sex (just sex) on and off for 5 years and the tension / thrill levels were always off the charts.

Found out later he was (between the ages 19-25) a drug addict and had been doing all of the terrible sorts of things addicts are capable of whilst craving his next hit. He genuinely hid this from me extremely well - mostly because I know nothing about drugs and was totally oblivious. Anyway, long story short - I loved having sex with him, I adored the heavy sexual tension between us and though its been all this time since we were last together, I think about him constantly. To my knowledge he's clean and has made something of his life. I can't shake the feeling that I want to have sex with him again now.

Everything just feels so... unrequited. My partner is totally aware of both relationships and the impacts they've had on me sexually, and the feelings I have now. He's actually supportive of me being with women in addition to him, but not supportive of the second man - why would he be?

I fundamentally and categorically will not and do not want a sexual partner other than my DH. Woman or man.

I suppose I'm asking is this normal? Is it normal to be married and happy and sexually satisfied, but still craving the variety and experience of casual sex in my early 20s? It's been something I've talked to my therapist about - I'm concerned that there is something fundamentally wrong with me and that other people are able to give their whole sexual selves to their spouse.

If you have any views or can relate to me in any way, I'd love to hear your advice. Thank you.

Hello,

It doesn’t matter if other people can or do ‘give their whole sexual selves’ to their other half. For whatever reason that’s been different for you.

You don’t have to cheat on your partner to explore your sexuality. Have you tried reading more? Books with characters who struggle with their sexuality, novels or biographies.

Thank you Chesty. I am well down the LGBTQ+ and polyamory book rabbit hole. In fact, since reading Sugar Rush in 2004 I've made a beeline for books on the topic.

I'm not really concerned about what to call my sexuality/make sense of the gender balance I'm interested in.

I'm much more concerned about an unwavering feeling that monogamy isn't ever going to be enough, despite wanting it to be so badly.

Plenty of married and coupled people have sexual fantasies about people other than their partner, sometimes the subject of the fantasies is an ex. You’re totally normal and it’s nothing to worry or stress out about.

Unrequited love often has a hold on you for many years as it’s seen as something you couldn’t have, which makes you want it more, as well as imbuing the relationship with all kinds of dramatic ‘what could have been, the one who got away’ feelings. Add in the hurt they caused you and it’s no wonder you still think of it from time to time. Part of you probably wants to tie up loose ends and imagines some day they’ll come back to you so you’ll feel vindicated, even if you’d never act on it. But it’s never going to happen.

I’m wondering why you’re making this into such a big deal. If you want to be monogamous that’s entirely in your control, whatever feelings come and go. Save your fantasies for when you’re alone or with your partner sexually, they’re yours and they’re in your mind and nobody else needs to know about them unless you choose to share.

I’m wondering why you’re making this into such a big deal.

Incredible levels of Catholic guilt, having been raised under the impression that feeling anything for anybody other than DH is sinful.

I'm working very hard to throw out the rulebook that my upbringing has given me - I have not experienced much happiness living with it, only deep levels shame and self loathing. Which is what the therapy is for.

Thank you for your thoughts Lindsay. It is lovely to hear somebody who thinks I'm not broken.

I imagine most people have elements of their sexual selves that they don't or can't share with a partner. Totally normal, I'd say.