Step mother in law favours our eldest child

[Patty79]

I have 3 girls aged 10,5 and 5 days old. My eldest has always been a laid back, quiet girl where as my 5 year old has been the opposite and what we like to call inquisitive but she is a very loving little girl. I had my baby girl Monday past and family came to the hospital to visit. When my mum was leaving the ward they past my father in law and step mother in law. My mum and my eldest told me that they completely blanked my 5 year old but my step mother in law cuddled my 10 year old and congratulated her on being a big sister again. My mother in law also told me yesterday that last weekend on my 5 year olds birthday that my step mother in law said to her that she and my father in law could not take 5 year old for a day or a sleepover as she is "too much". They hardly visit or see the children anyway but I feel they are favouring my eldest over my 5 year old. Last year they gave my 5 year old £10 for her birthday and my eldest got £20. They even bought my eldest a bike for her third birthday but my 5 year old has never had a big present off them at a birthday. They are pretty well off and have just came from 2 weeks in the carribean and spent another 10 grand on a 2nd car. My step mother in law even said to me a while ago that they would be stopping buying Xmas presents for the children as they would have 7 grand children to buy for (only 3 of which are ours and two of hers are in their mid twenties). She is an ex school teacher so I think she should know better than to treat children differently. She thinks she is better than everyone else and is high maintenance. My husband hates her and they always clash on anything, he says black, she says white. There has been other incidents over the years too. They used to live 20mins away but moved 4 years ago to the same street as her daughter who has grown up children and they are now an hour away and we are lucky if they visit 4 times a year. My father in law wasn't keen to move but did. I don't want her in my house and I want my husband to say something but I think he's worried his dad will fall out with us. I've said that will be his loss then. His dad is due to visit later today and we are not sure if she is coming too. I think my husband should even email his dad if he can't face saying it to his face. This has had me in tears and I'm already emotional having just had a baby on Monday. Should I just put up with her for the sake of his dad or should I make my husband say something?I would say something but I don't think the words wil come out as I will get so upset trying to get the words out.

Thing is if she's not a very nice person saying something to her won't help, she will try and flip so you are the bad guy.

My nan favoured my sibling growing up I didn't notice till I was 11 or 12 and by then I just found it funny tbh, it turned into a joke between me and favourite sibling. Apart from not really having a relationship with my nan now where as my sibling does it had no negative effects. If you only see them 4 times a year I really wouldn't worry tbh.

Congratulations on your new baby 🙂

Thanks hun, I just hate how false she is and I don't doubt she slags us off behind our back. They live in their £300,000 house and we bought an ex council house near where I grew up. Her eldest grandson was done for drink driving at 18 and had no license and got a girl pregnant he'd only been with for a month and no longer with yet he is the golden boy. He even lives with them as his mum and step dad who live only a few doors away have two Foster kids and there isn't room for him and I can bet he doesn't pay any board money. We did send an email to his dad two years ago which his dad said he didn't get. We said we couldn't go to her sons wedding as my hubby couldn't get the time off and his dad took the hump so we told a few home truths then but he conveniently didn't get the email or he did and was too scared to tell her or answer us. Also 9 years ago, my hubby's granny died and the house she lived in was owned by mybfather in law and there was an agreement that my husband would receive a share of the sale of the house as his dad didn't pay alot of child maintenance when he was younger. His dad gave him the larger share of the sale and we know this didn't please her but atleast his dad stood his ground and gave my husband his share which enabled us to pay off mortgage and build an extension. She made comments years before that hubby wouldn't get any share of the money and it's really been since he got the money she has got worse with her behaviour. I'm going to speak to him again and ask him if he's going to say anything to his dad. Xx

So she's not giving presents because her own GC are grown up now - selfish cow! Her husband has small GC he should be spoiling them!

I'd be inclined to be passive aggressive and sickly sweet about it 'yes DD1 is a big sister again, and now DD2 is a big sister for the first time ever - how wonderful you noticed

Or re presents I'd say'oh right yes of course you children are grown up now, shame your husband has left it so long to be a Grandad that you can't be bothered anymore - I'm sure my children will understand they read enough Cinderella stories 😵

You do realise your fil is the one in the wrong here too, He is a grown man if he wants to buy his gc presents he could and would.
That goes for seeing them too, I think its quite unfair to just blame the stepmother for this situation.
She quite clearly isnt in control of him as he has done as he has wanted to before with the inheritance.
Think you have a fil problem here too and that should be your focus as he is your dhs Dad.

I'm inclined to agree with prettyLovely.
You say your fil didn't pay maintenance or sufficient maintenance, well be can hardly he called a decent father then can he?
Relying on inheritance is no excuse for not providing financial support to a child.
I would be quite relieved that they only visit 4 times a month tbh.
They both sound awful. If your fil wanted to buy gifts for his grandchildren then he would, he is an adult who appears to have done very well financially either from his wife or family in not sure.
However I'd just let them get on with it. You can t make your step mil like your dc. Don't encourage visits and keep her at arms length.

Sorry 4 times a year not month.

Surely it's the FIL that's to blame here? It's his own flesh and blood that he's choosing one over the other.

Try not to stew over this now OP. You've just had a lovey new baby. Enjoy her and this special time.

You're wrongly focusing on your dh's step mum here. You're anger should be towards FIL as he is the actual grandparent and should be in charge of gift giving and making an effort to see his grandchildren.
I can kind of understand that if her own grandchildren are grown that she doesn't have much interest in playing grandma to young children anymore. That's fair enough. Some children are challenging and perhaps she finds it more manageable to talk to the older one. She's not their parent or even grandparent so I'm not sure why this bothers you so much.
You need to talk to your Dh here and he needs to talk to his father.

Hmm lm not sure her and your DH always disagreeing black is white and so on makes her in the wrong. She obviously went along with your fil giving you a large share of her Dh's inheritance and as his wife she would have had some expectation to benefit from that, if they divorced or Fil God forbid had deceased before handing it over l think possibly a legal claim on it. But the fact she's 'not happy about it' seems to bug you?
As pps have said your fil is just as or more so guilty here of favouring one of his dgc and thus enabling her too also. You say they both blanked youngest at hospital in favour of oldest so why is your Smil only one seen as the problem. Arguably she can pick and choose which child she prefers as they aren't hers except by marriage. Though she definitely shouldn't openly treat them differently but neither should your Fil more importantly.

I agree my fil could do more and speak up for himself but he is hen pecked. The step mil refers to herself as their granny. It's not the fact she treats her biological grandchildren different to my kids (she does have a 2 Yr old grandson too and another due in few months) it's the fact she treats my eldest and middle child differently and my eldest is picking up on it. As an ex primary school teacher, I think she should know better than to not have favourites and understand all kids have different personalities. I don't care she favours her grandkids over mine, that doesn't really bother me but I won't have her favouring my eldest over my middle one and making it so obvious.

surely if she buys a bike for the older child it will eventually belong to the youngest child?

They have a big age difference, and you can't treat two different ages the same

They also seem to have a big difference in personalities. Why would she have the same relationship with both of them> she says quite openly the 5 year old is "too much" for her

Why is your 5 year old "too much"?

If she has grown up grand children she is clearly getting on a bit so it is hardly unreasonable for her to not be able to cope with a energetic 5 year old but to be able to cope with a much older child who requires much less active looking after, even if she did feel able to look after younger children several years ago.
Although she bought your elder child a bike 7 years ago it doesn't seem as though the current presents are significantly different in value (and in many ways £10 is as valuable to a 5 year old as £20 is to a ten year old) and quite frankly many parents wouldn't like it if their younger child got a big present while their older child got something smaller just because the older child got a big present several years ago.

Sorry OP, all I'm seeing in your posts is ££s, holidays, their home, how much they spend on grandchildren, whether their other grandson pays board. It appears you resent this woman because she and your FIL spend their money as they see fit. It's THEIR money. As for favoring one of your children over the other, it's hardly much of a problem if they only see them 4 times a year. Let's face it, 'inquisitive' (really?) 5 yr olds ARE hard work - and the older gps get the harder work 5yr olds get. In 5 years she'll be 10 and they'll find her easier than your youngest who'll be 5.

I'm not really seeing what this woman has done to deserve you banning her from your house, it seems based on some vague thing from your mother that she ignored your 5yr old at the hospital and that you're in tears about?

Come on, you've just had a new baby, you're probably all over the place emotionally and hormonal lay, you've got more important things to worry about than this.

When I think about it my brother was always golden boy with one grandma and I was with the other. We just had more in common. However both sets always treated us the same with the same amount of money etc.

People often give older children more money. That's not so bad.

Giving your eldest a much larger gift isn't so nice.

Perhaps she just gets on with your eldest better and isn't good with really young children. I would not complain to them purely on the financial issues...but I would if I felt one child was being ignored.

Wait till you see it yourself and you can tackle it there and then..instead of having to report what your mum saw. That would appear like gossip.