To give up and hate myself

[Alwayswrongalways]

DH has mh issues combined with alcohol addiction. His entire family has abandoned him. I’ve supported him, put up with all sorts of abuse (never physical) about being useless, disgusting, ruining his life.
He takes no responsibility. On the odd occasion he is sober and lucid he adores me, will change, doesn’t mean any of it.
Tonight I lost it. I flew at him. Grabbed his face, told him he was
the disgusting one, he’s selfish and I want him out.
He’s now screaming about domestic abuse, getting me arrested and taking the kids.
I was wrong. I know that. I probably deserve police etc. But, on the other hand, I have had 2 years of trying to help and getting nothing but abuse in return. The first thing I hear every morning is a can opening. The last thing I hear every night is him muttering abuse at me.
If I leave or kick him out he will definitely harm himself. If I stay it will all happen again.
For context, kids are not in the house tonight. We were supposed to be having ‘date night’ which I think has angered me more.

I’m really sorry you’ve had to go through this OP but I think you need to have a think if this situation is good for you and the kids. They will be suffering too. I’d start looking at ways which you can suggest help for him, but I always find that unless they are willing to seek it themselves, you going ahead and doing so is useless. By all means present him the help he can get and be firm enough is enough. Either he seeks it or you are leaving

I hope you mean give up on him- you can’t change him- but you can change your life & your kids for the better. Hate your situation and change it- that’s totally up to you

I’ve tried everything and everyone to help but he refuses to admit his issues. It’s all someone else’s fault.

Please leave him, you don’t deserve to live like that.
Threats, overtly or otherwise, are common with addicts as it’s a means to controlling you and maintaining their set up so they can keep indulging themselves in their substance of choice. If he harms himself it won’t be your fault, but he needs you to believe it is entirely in your hands so he can control how you behave.
Leave him, he can choose this life for himself, but not for you.

Then I think you have your answer... If he’s not willing to accept he has a problem then you need to leave. You need to put your kids above his own blind refusal to accept he has a problem and get away

If he harms himself, that's on HIM. He is an adult. He is responsible for his decisions. Not you.

You might consider joining an Al-Anon group. This is for loved ones of alcoholics. They teach the three Cs:

You didn't CAUSE it.
You can't CONTROL it.
You can't CHANGE it. Only they can.

He's killing himself already with his addiction.
This is not the life you should live. His addiction should not overrule your need to live a full life and for your children to live in a house free from abuse.

He's emotionally abusing you. Your children will grow up thinking thats normal behaviour in a relationship. I think it's reaching end of the road time: for the sake of your own mental health & for the children. He'll have a hard time getting grabbing his face called domestic abuse, it's an empty threat, ignore it. You can only help an addict when they want to change. His behaviour proves he doesn't. If he does harm himself after you kick him out it's emotional blackmail tactics, not your fault. And if he does, maybe he'll get the right help as a result. Good luck.

His threats of harming himself are not your problem or responsibility. Get him out or you get out. Now. Don't wait another day. Get your children out of this nightmare and rebuild your life.

You aren't supporting him you're enabling him. He doesn't need to admit his problems while he has you to blame.

Do you go to Al-Anon? I think it would be really helpful.

Staying in this relationship is very damaging for you and your DC. You’re not responsible for your DP, he’s an adult with his own choices to make. You are responsible for your DC, who need you to act in their best interests.

Please get help for yourself and stop focusing on him. Report yourself to SS and let them help you leave if you can’t do it alone.