To be angry with my mother

[DorothyL]

Ds has a physical disability, but is also autistic, though this has not been officially diagnosed.
This September he is starting secondary school and he is very anxious about it. This shows in bad behaviour (shouting, swearing) at times and also in being obsessed with his phone and certain interests.

I come from a different country and stay with my mum for a few weeks in the summer. It has always been clear that my mum doesn't really what to make of ds. There is not much interaction between them, not helped by neither being fluent in the other language.

When I was there this summer my mum didn't ask about ds's transfer or anything else to do with him. She did get annoyed with him a few times when his behaviour was challenging.

One time it was so bad that I took ds outside to talk to him.
My mum chose that moment to say to my dd's that ds needs telling off or he will become "socially unfit" in later life.
The dd's didn't know what to say - they are teens, but didn't want to openly contradict their grandmother.
When I came back in nothing else was said.
Aibu to have this playing on my mind and to be angry? In a way I want to say something, though chances are it wouldn't do any good.

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I would be angry. Your mum clearly doesn’t understand your son and his challenges - and doesn’t want to.

You know her best. I would be tempted to sit down Andy fully explain what life’s if like for and with this child. His grandparent should be his greatest advocate, not his critic. But she mightn’t want to hear that - dismiss it all and make you even crosser.

I hope big school goes ok and he settles in. It must be very worrying for the whole family (apart from your mum of course who chooses to be oblivious!)

Yes it is worrying.

I am so disappointed and upset not to receive more support and understanding from my own mother.

Do you have other support?

I understand it must be heartbreaking not to be able to relying on your mum - even is all she could do is listen and sympathise.

Does your mother actually understand what autism is, many people have heard of autism but not everyone would fully understand the condition like someone who is living with it day to day (like you are with your son)

Maybe your mother needs to be educated so that she will understand that your son isn't being naughty and misbehaving, and that it's part of his autism that causes him to behave that way,

Could you find some autism sites (in her language) and print out some info for her and mail it to her for her to read ...or if she has email, email the links to her..

Then after she has read the information , then have a discussion with her about your son and how autism affects him, and what can trigger his behaviour issues and what can calm him down...

If she understands what autism is, you may find her behaviour and attitude towards your son may soften and change for the better