To want something for this?

[NomsQualityStreets]

DH has a hobby which runs from mid August to April every year. It's a growing sport and he's quite involved in the club he's in a does coaching etc which is all a part of the hobby as he loves it.

It means every Sunday they have an event which is sometimes a few Sunday's in a row he is gone for the day or only here until late morning and back late afternoon and I'm alone with 2 LOs unless I come to watch him which isn't really doable with the DCs now which is fine.

He's starting it back up and is super excited and I'm really happy for him except for the fact that he has just called me on the way back from the first training session telling me he forgot that Sunday is a big event/seminar or whatever to do with the sport in the UK and everyone has to be there. He will basically be gone for the whole day.
I'm ticked off to say the least, this was supposed to be one of our last weekends before it all starts up and he said there was nothing on. I'm basically going to spend Sunday alone tackling 2 DCs one of them being a baby which is basically what my Mon-Fri looks like and I'm gutted as weekends with DH around are my only downtime.

I've hung up on him which I know is a massive overreaction on my part and I know that.
I intend to be OK about it and understanding but AIBU to can't help but feel I should ask for something in return?

How much time does he spend doing childcare of his own children each week? How much time do you get for your hobbies?

This ^^

He doesn't really do childcare on his own, he takes one or both DCs for a walk sometimes but he goes to work at around 7.45am and usually is back anywhere between 5.30-6.15pm Mon-Fri.

We do bath times together and he puts DC1 down and I put the baby down.

He trains for the sport once a week on an evening (sets off after bedtime) and plays on Sunday's whenever they have a game on and Saturday Mornings until about 12.30 if they don't have a Sunday game.

This will sound miserable but I promise it isn't. I don't have a hobby of my own and I'm not particularly fussed about finding something. I think it would just be a PITA considering that it would probably infringe even more on the time we get together and I can't think of anything I'd like to do.

No constructive advice, but I'm feeling your pain. My DH has a hobby which used to take him out for hours at a time, frequently at weekends, leaving me with a baby and a toddler. I was a SAHM at the time, so it just felt like yet another day's enforced work to me.

TBH, I still feel some lingering resentment, years later. A game of squash/an hour's gym session 2 or 3 times a week after their bedtime is fine. Leaving your partner to do yet more of the domestic stuff every weekend for hours at a time when the DCs are tiny is just selfish.

When you say you want 'something for this', what did you have in mind?

I can see why you'd be annoyed but if he doesn't go won't he be pissed off with you?

What exactly will he miss if he doesn't go?

Could you all go? Might get to spend more time together and might mean he would help you a bit?

We can't all go no it's some sort of seminar event thing and he's going as he's a coach and there's a manager or someone else going as its a beginning of the season thing and all the clubs in the country go. It's not really a "bring your DW and toddler DCs" along thing.

@GreatDuckCookery well at this point I don't particularly care if he'd be pissed off with me. Not that he won't go as this time its a once a year thing. He went off to do his hobby this morning as I was going to visit my family. We agreed back home for 12.30 as we've got a list of places to be and things to do today and he's still not back and not answering his phone....

The seminar day is a one off. Yanbu to be a bit annoyed about it but I think it's the bigger issue of week in week out that's the problem for you.
Do you want him to stop? Do you want time of your own?

for you.
This is a big bag of crap and he is being a jerk.

No good advice other than I would have hung up on him too.

Why do you feel you need to be okay and understanding about it? It's not okay, he's being very selfish and now apparently having a childish sulk as well.

@thedevilinablackdress I don't care if it's a one off thing I care about the fact I didn't get told until last night that the weekend has basically been rearranged because he forgot that he's away for the whole day and feeling like I'm just the designated parent as there was no "I'm sorry" or "is that ok" it was just "oh we've a problem I forgot but I'm doing this on Sunday" when I told him last night I'm a bit miffed as I'm basically getting no downtime and it's a bit shit as it might as well be Monday for me tomorrow he didn't even say anything.

I'm ok with him doing the Sunday's etc but as long as I know in advance and I'm not being let down by expecting a nice weekend as a family to then be saddled with the DCs on my own at the last min.

He needs to take both kids out Saturday afternoons - swimming ballpark his parents the park anything to give you a break

He should also do the baths and bed time on his own half the week

When not doing bed time the other parent cleans the kitchen or gets tea ready puts a wag in etc so you both sit down around the same time

It's not the hobby it's th rest of the week

Not saying we are perfect but if dh is off doing something for hours on end then I get same time later on. I don't have a hobby but I meet friends, got to the shops or even just nap upstairs. Perhaps dh can give you a break on the Saturday before this event?

If either DH or I take time out alone for a hobby etc at the weekend, we take DD for the same amount of time so that the other person gets a break too. So DH was out kayaking this morning from 9-12 and tomorrow he's taking her to the park and the library so I can have a long soaky bath and a nap.

I intend to be OK about it and understanding but AIBU to can't help but feel I should ask for something in return?

Don't be. Stand up for yourself.

You're effectively the designated parent 6 days a week.

He needs to limit this to two weekend days per month.

And he needs to understand how difficult it is to manage two DC on his own for an extended period of time. Call it bonding time.

It doesn't matter if you don't have a hobby, spend the whole day with a friend, a sibling or your parents. Or just go shopping, to the cinema and have a nice meal.

Just to clear things up, I don't want the same amount of time as him away on my own.
I'm happy just for us to spend it as a family. I think if I took an evening a week and a full day somewhere we wouldn't have any time together by the end of it and it doesn't make sense.

He came home an hour after the agreed time. He tried calling me at 10am today as he thought I set off to see my family a bit late and that maybe I'd be back later than we agreed. I didn't answer as I was driving and when I tried calling back went straight to voicemail as he had no signal so didn't see a missed call.
He then assumed I would get in touch with him when I was ready and went to the pub after the game.

Apparently it's not obvious that he should have text me to let me know he'll be later than agreed since he didn't manage to get through to me on the phone and just assumed that I wasn't back yet..... it's also not obvious to check his phone whilst at the pub for missed calls from me since I was waiting at home with the kids.
He tried turning it on me to say that I run late sometimes too and also tried twisting what we agreed and said that we agreed to be home for 12 not 12.30.
I honestly think sometimes he doesn't listen to a word I say...

Why are you arguing over half an hour?
I think you place too much pressure on 'family time' when he's on a different page wanting 'me time'

I think you'd benifit from some time alone -

Your husband is being a dick! Not helpful, but true.

He's taking the piss - bad enough to drop this on you last minute, but then to bugger off to the pub is serious liberty taking.
People with kids can't behave as if they are not parents and continue to persue time consuming hobbies and just dump their share of responsibility onto the other parent. Why are you letting him get away with this?

@IWannaSeeHowItEnds I just don't want to overreact and I feel like I do as he's so laid back.
When he got back on Friday he said he did mention it to me a while ago but we never put it on our kitchen calendar and he forgot to look in his diary and from now on he will be updating his iPad calendar everyday (we have them synced).

Yesterday he got back all happy and looked really surprised and put off when I said that I wasn't great and asked why he was coming home at this time. He said he tried calling me (at 10 am when he would have had no idea about going to the pub) and since I didn't call back (I tried but he had no signal) he assumed I would get in touch when I was ready/home. Which again I tried at 1 since he was 30mins late by then but he didn't answer his phone.
I told him that I didn't understand why he just assumed that I would be later then we agreed...
Then he made noises about not wanting to/not going to the games on Saturdays but I pointed out its not about him not going it's about me knowing what's going on.
He genuinely seems to not "get" what he did wrong and seemed in a mood that I wasn't very happy.
He ended up saying "ok I will text in the future BUT you run late too" yes maybe by 15mins here and there but I let him know and not really when we've made plans/agreed to do something.

I didn't press it because we had stuff to do with DCs and I didn't want there to be an atmosphere and I was already feeling like I was over reacting...

You are not overreacting though. He's done that classic move of twisting events so you seem unreasonable. The facts are that he dumped this on you last minute and instead of getting home asap, decided to go to the pub and leave you to it!

And it's easy to take a laid back approach to life when when you can suit yourself all the time. He would be less 'laid back' if he was the default parent!

In your shoes, I'd go back to him and tell him to scale down his hobby to 2 Sundays per month and one Saturday morning. If he can't manage it, then he will have to give it up totally and find something more compatible with family life. On the 2 Sundays he is home you do something, even if it's only go out for coffee by yourself. If at home, let him be responsible for the childcare. You are doing neither of you any favours by being the default parent the whole time - you are enabling him to take you for granted. Lots of people think looking after children isn't that hard, but it is if you get no break and are doing it by yourself most of the time.
He had children too, not just you and it's time he grew up and adjusted his life to take account of them.

He ASSUMED - what an ass. He DIDN'T bother to check his phone.

Tell him that he should never ever make assumptions and that you should both check it's ok to significantly change plans.
Running 15mins late is not the same as deciding to go to the pub when the agreement is to come straight home.

I feel your pain. DH goes to watch most all his football team's matches but the dates are all planned in advance and he lets me know if he is running late. In fact, he will often send my a GLYMPSE (GPS tracking) so I can see where he's got to. The joke is that it's so I can put the kettle on but it's really so he doesn't have to keep texting my traffic updates. He wouldn't dream of going to the pub without checking, even now when the DC are teens+.

Opting out of family life to that extent is not OK.

Does he want to do this hobby to this level, or does he want a family. He can’t have both.

Clearly he can have both because that's precisely what he's got. And all the frothers might notice that OP is fine with it most of the time.

OP, he's failed to communicate properly this weekend. Obviously you're pissed off and made it pretty clear, it sounds like he'll try harder in future. If I were you I'd take full advantage of the time he's not there at weekends to see friends or family so you're not sitting drumming your fingers waiting for him to get home.

Seeing as he cocked up and couldn't arrange his own activity properly then I suggest he forfeits one of sessions on a following weekend and you do something on your own. He's a grown man, he has responsibilities at home too. You are being very accommodating under the circumstances, I'm not sure I would be.