To have thought of this lady as a friend?

[Slowpokes]

Feeling a bit silly and upset by Facebook of all things.

We moved to a new area at the beginning of the year. It was all a bit stressful as we didn’t know anyone here and dc1 is autistic and having a tough time. I joined a local group for parents of autistic children and met a lady (R) I really got on with. My ds has made his first real friend in her son and we’ve done play dates or going out for coffee/ park once or twice a week for the last 6 months.

I’m currently studying and was considering giving up as I just don’t have the energy to do it after ds1 went to bed (rarely before 10), there’s no way I could do it while he’s awake and he wouldn’t cope with groups or babysitters. I mentioned this to R probably within the first month of meeting her and she said that she was currently struggling money wise and if ds was happy to be left with her then she’d be happy to look after him so I could study.

Ds started going to R’s house for a couple of hours after school twice a week. He’s perfectly happy to go, I get to do my studying, R gets some extra money, everybody’s happy. We still all meet up with our other dc’s money weekends for a morning activity.

I was recently chatting to R about something I’d seen someone from our Parents of Autistic Children group had posted. R says ‘I know, I’ve seen it.’ I didn’t realise she was on social media and said I’ll add you as a friend. R replies ‘oh sorry, I only have friends and family on FB, not people I have working relationships with.’ I felt a bit daft and it was a bit awkward as I see her as my closest friend in our new town .

Is that a normal thing to do though? I don’t really do much on FB and certainly don’t have a professional side that I need to worry about. Would you expect a woman that you had a relationship with as above to see you as a work colleague?

I can understand her being cautious as you are paying her for childcare and she might not want something from social media affecting what is possibly a very useful source of income for her. I don’t necessarily think she meant that you weren’t a friend.

I’d be hurt too! But FB/social media is trouble sometimes so don’t read into it, everyone is allowed to have their foibles as to who they add etc. XX

It does seem odd to me and hints towards a lack of trust tbh.

If she is providing childcare for reward have you checked she has actually been vetted and licensed?

If she sees it as a 'business ' relationship then I'd certainly expect her to be legitimate.

It sounds as if you thought you were in a casual friendship agreement so I'd ask her to clarify which it is.

If she's not registered to be childminding then frankly I'd wonder what she has to hide and even possibly what she has been posting.

I think it just shows that you regard the relationship differently. Okay to find out now rather than further down the line, so that you can adjust your expectations.

I think it's reasonable really. I'm not FB friends with anyone I work with. Even the ones I really like and socialise with.

Yes that is hurtful, I think I would have replied "oh I thought we were friends because you haven't always minded ds for me" as it's implied in the post you were friends before she started babysitting for you. The fact that you meet up outside of her minding your ds implies you are friends so you're not misreading anything in my opinion. She must have her reasons I guess but it does seem strange to me.

I'd be hurt too. It was a funny thing for her to say, if you meet up outside the arrangement of her taking care of your son then it would be safe to assume you're friends. What did you say to her in response?

I would be hurt and embarrassed. These sort of childcare arrangement surely often happen between friends, and family.

But as other have said she doesn’t view your friendship the same way - or something has happened in her mind to change how she feels.

If your son is happy and the arrange,me to works for you just carry on. But maybe work to expand your friendship base (easily said I know) so you aren’t relying on her form so much.

She’s not vetted and licensed. I give her £10 an hour but we have no contract or anything it’s very much a casual arrangement. It’s near impossible to find a childminder willing to accept a child like ds as he is VERY hard work. Luckily her child is very similar and they’re actually a lot easier to manage when they’re both together as they do play and chat.

I guess I saw it as a friend who is willing to babysit and the extra cash obviously helps her out. It seems she sees it as a part time job and I’m just an employer and a parent of her dc’s friend. I just feel a bit embarrassed really, I chat to her about personal things and maybe she was just being nice to me in order to make sure I kept using her for babysitting. sonja you’re right though, best to find out sooner rather than later.

Well she has no right to be charging you for childminding. £10 an hour is extremely high!!

I'm afraid I think she saw a vulnerable new face and latched on, got her son a pal to benefit her for a couple of days a week all while fleecing money out of you!! Not a friend in the slightest.

Has she introduced you to anyone else locally? I'm guessing not.

Cut her off and lesson learned.

Don't open up to people you don't really know well.

I really don’t think £10 an hour is a lot to look after a child with fairly demanding needs. I could hardly expect her to look after him 2 nights a week for free.

I really don’t think she saw me as vulnerable and latched on. She’s certainly not fleecing me out of money. She hasn’t introduced me to anyone else, why would she? We met through a support group, I would hardly expect her to introduce me to any of her other friends.

Don't overthink this. You like her. You trust her with her child.

I don't accept many on my FB as I rarely post. I use it mainly for support group for me and my autistic child. I
She might have had a horrid experience and it's not personal to you..

She's not a registered childminder, I assume, so what she's doing is actually illegal. She's also not declaring the money either (I bet my boots). So she doesn't want a traceable relationship with you through social media.

Actually that doesn't mean she's a bad person. I think the rules round child minding/paying for friends to help out are daft. But they are the rules.

I wouldn't read too much into it, I only have about 30 or so friends on Facebook. I don't add the kids friend's parents unless they are personal friends. No one from work either. I tend to just ignore friend requests and pretend I haven't seen it. If anyone mentions it, I say 'Oh I rarely use it, I have an email if you want to aens me something'. I think her delivery was a little off, she is not one for subtlety is she?

Perhaps she considers you more of an acquaintance than a friend at this moment in time. Doesn't mean to say you won't be close friends in the future.

Remove FB from the equation, how is your relationship with R?

If you're happy with that, carry on as you are.

I do think you're inferring a lot from one sentence. You could speculate on its wider implications, if there are any all night. She maybe wants no written record of her being paid for looking after your child to be visible on FB, or doesn't want to be drawn into you maybe posting photos of both kids or a myriad of other things.

It's also not unheard of for at least one of the parents of an autistic child to be on the spectrum themselves or at least have traits, so perhaps you're seeing her comment as curt and hurtful when she thought she was just being factual.

I wouldn't worry about it too much but I would note it iyswim It shows her to be insensitive.

She definitely declares the money, she’s also a gardener and my dh does her accounts. But, yes, I’m probably reading more into it than there is there. Actually, thinking about it possibly dh is the reason she sees it more as a working arrangement.

Anyway, I consider us to have a good relationship and I don’t want to lose it just because she doesn’t view me quite in the way I thought she did. Although I do value her friendship, the fact that she’s the one person I’ve ever found who is willing and able to give me a bit of respite from ds is priceless.

Sigh. It's not personal probably just wants family and close friends, its not that odd. Can nobody have any degree of privacy any longer?