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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Quick poll - if you are NC with a family member...

40 replies

small2018 · 17/08/2018 16:09

...do you/would you send their DC cards/gifts on their birthday even if they don't send anything for your DC?

OP posts:

TaintforTheLikesOfWe · 17/08/2018 17:10

I am NC with my sister but continued to give some money to her kids every year at Christmas until they were 18 because I felt it was the right thing to do. DH has lost contact with his sister and we don't contact her or hers for any reason.

5foot5 · 17/08/2018 17:15

Who instigated the NC? Is it likely to last?

Years and years ago BIL and SIL decided to go NC after a disagreement with the rest of the family. We were not involved with this disagreement and had tried to maintain friendly relations but it seems SIL had the view that "you can't be their friends and our friends at the same time."

Their DS was about 4 at the time and we continued to send Christmas / birthday presents for him for a couple of years but received no acknowledgement or contact in return.

So in the end, yes, we did stop sending anything. He's probably about 30 now.......

Weepingangels · 17/08/2018 19:07

No i would not.

AnotherOriginalUsername · 17/08/2018 19:18

I think it depends on the situation. For me, I do.

I cut contact with my mum with the clear message that once she decided to admit that she had an alcohol problem, I'd be willing to support her every step of the way to recovery. I send a birthday, Christmas card and mother's Day card (I've not received anything in return, not even a Facebook message) knowing that she will be straight in there with that as a dig if I didn't. I recently sent her her dogs vaccine record (vaccines due, I've always previously done them for her through work) via post. I didn't tell her I was pregnant though, I let the jungle drums do that and as suspected, got a shitty message via Facebook for not telling her myself.

For me NC is necessary for my own mental health but I'd like to think that once she sorts herself out, the relationship may be reconcilable. Not holding my breath though, but by doing the above, if it's not recoverable, none of it can be thrown back at me.

NewBlueGoo · 17/08/2018 20:33

Tricky one. I send my half siblings presents for their birthdays and Christmas, despite being NC with my father for several years. I want the children to know I still care about them - they are very young and are in for a hard life. I don't know if they are given the presents I send. I suspect not, but I still send them on the offchance. There has been no attempt by my father to get back in contact.

NewBlueGoo · 17/08/2018 20:34

Oh and my father doesn't know I have a child.

drquin · 17/08/2018 20:40

Sounds like there's a difference between actually choosing to go no-contact, and neither of you being first one to speak to the other.

One suggests you don't actually want any contact.
The other suggests you do, but you're waiting for the other to get in touch first.

Fortunately I'm not actively NC with any family members, but I'd tactfully suggest you're just not in regular contact in the last 3 months rather than being actively NC. Of course, there's probably more to this than you've told us.

Homemadearmy · 17/08/2018 20:47

Ex mil went nc with the kids and me. She sent Christmas and birthday cards to the children for the first 5 years or so. But after a couple of years I stopped giving them to the children as they didn’t understand why they didn’t see her anymore. It’s been nearly 10 years now and the children no longer remember her.

EndOfEternity · 17/08/2018 20:50

No. I’ve been NC with my sister since before either of us had kids. Never met them so contact with them.

EndOfEternity · 17/08/2018 20:51

*no contact

Moneypenny007 · 17/08/2018 21:19

My dad is nc with me. He did send gifts for my son(s). In the end we returned them. It was too difficult for my older kid. Plus it's his decision to go nc.
I felt like he was rubbing our face in it. Throwing money at the kid when all the kid wanted was his papa.
I know its killing him not seeing us.... but that's his (wife's) decision.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 17/08/2018 21:25

My D M sent my 'D'B a card once only to have it returned. I can't believe someone would stoop so low. So, no.

LongHotSummer24715 · 17/08/2018 23:59

I am NC with my sister by choice over the last 3 years. My life is much easier without the drama!
I have a very close relationship with DN who is 13. She comes on our family holidays, has sleepovers, calls down to visit and we text almost daily.
When my DS is old enough he can have that same relationship with his aunt if she makes the effort.
She buys gifts for DS but doesn't visit him, he's too young to go with her alone.

ALongHardWinter · 18/08/2018 00:22

No.

Goingto12345 · 18/08/2018 08:57

Interesting thread
Incidentally, it’s my birthday fairly soon and my sister hasn’t answered her mobile to me for more than 2 years
I know she’ll text happy birthday, but I feel like not texting back Thankyou if she can’t pick up the phone Is that too harsh or ok?

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