I work in a very high pressured job, which has been hellish in the last few years. In my role I've had to deal with some really serious issues including suicide, serious abuse cases and violence due to mental health issues - I feel like I lurch from crisis to crisis with no support. My parents are having a very hard time and I worry about them. I feel close to burnout with little options of getting out. I manage a large team, teach, oversee big research projects, write, publish, etc. From the outside I think people view me as very competent, confident and in control, with the perfect life. Inside I am a bubbling, quaking mess, like a volcano ready to explode. Just some of the 'symptoms' I have include, constantly panicking when away (I work away quite often) from my beautiful children that they've died (I've literally played through every possible scenario of how they could die), there are songs that come on the radio where I barely feel I can breathe as i imagine playing them at a funeral of my husband or children, I avoid going out with my friends as I just can't face being around lots of people, I've put on weight and avoid people because they will think I'm fat and avoid going places, I snap at my children and then feel wracked with guilt, I go over the top with our days out to make up for having for working 80 hour weeks, I can't stop my mind from whirling constantly, I don't sleep - then I'm tired - then I comfort eat on sugar - then I put on weight (see the cycle), i feel too fat and disgusting to have sex with my lovely, wonderful loving husband, I drink too much to try and relax, I just feel a failure and I can't climb out. But on the outside I know people think I'm flying, I have a high research profile and some big successes to my name. Put me in public with my 'professional' face and I can talk to large audiences, lecture and be really confident. I keep thinking about visiting the Dr but I am almost too afraid that if I go there I will fall down the rabbit hole and never return. I am applying for new jobs and hope to change my career direction, I'm confident I can, but this will take at least 3-6 months and I really am wondering how the hell I can hold onto my sanity and self for that period. I feel like I am losing my mind. My husband is wonderfully supportive but really worried about me, and doesn't know what to do. Are there any magic wand strategies people use? I know my job is central to this, taking some leave over summer, the thought of returning to work sends me into the panic, but i have to earn and have to find a ways forwards whilst I try and move.