My mum prefers not to have me in her life how can I make this pain go away

[islandwoman1]

It is what it is. I want to respect her feelings so don't want to reach out to push myself into her life, if she wanted me in it she could phone me and her last words to me were that she didn't feel like talking, before last Christmas. I understand that I'm a 'marmite' person and on a personal level, don't click with many people. My mum is actually quite similar I think this is the problem. Anyway, don't think it's resolvable.

Anyway, I need tips on how to make this pain stop. It seems to be growing. It is constantly at the back of my mind that my dad never loved me at all and my mum tried to but ultimately, could not.

It's making me want to pull away from friends as I'm quite embarrassed and it sharpens my pain to see how comfortable and secure they all are in being loved. My friends all get along with their parents. I know that's silly too as there are many adults out there who aren't close to their parents.

I feel so uncomfortable and upset thinking if I got cancer or similar, my mum would not take care of me.

I am so lucky as have a lovely life and wonderful partner I love so much, truly amazing, but I get upset sometimes worrying in case totally random awful things happen and I lose them. We haven't moved in together yet but hope to soon, once we organise a few things.

How do I learn how to be properly independent of my mum and not crave a relationship with my family of birth?? Please help!

I’m so sorry to hear this - you most definately need counselling to help you process the feelings you have.
Go to your GP and get help - if I was you that would be the path I’d follow.
I’m sure you aren’t marmite - you’ve just been unlucky with inadequate parents - wishing you peace ccccc

Well, this may seem like a strange reply; it helped me accept the parents I was born to . So maybe it can help you? Hope so.

Every baby is born craving perfect love.
Every baby is disappointed.

Some much more so.
Some much less so.

The ones who's parents aren't there for them, it's not their fault. That's on their parents. People are loved because their parents are loving. Not so loved, because their parents are not able to love well. Nothing to do with the child. No reflection on the child. Those parents would have been the same with any child.

You must be a lovable and loved person to have a good partner.
We choose our friends and lovers.
We rise above the circumstances of our birth.
We create love in our lives. And in our children's lives. That is our victory.

Yes, I sort of know it wasn't my fault as a child. Though now I'm an adult, I am responsible for my relationships and I cannot seem to have a good one with my mum so that does feel like it's on me?

She is happy in her life, it's not said in so many words but her biggest irritation is/ was me and my depression and other health problems when I was young. It wasn't her fault. She couldn't cope with me being ill, I think she was so sad for me but ultimately she resented me needing stuff from her.

I have had a lot of counselling on and off. My current counsellor is on holiday for the summer but will go back when she returns.

I feel so awful to think of feeling this way forever. Makes me despair. Why am I not getting better? It's been month since she's not wanted to speak to me, why am I feeling so hurt?

Need it to fuck off.

OP it does get better. It's normal to want unconditional parental love. I finally twigged it would never happen & in a way a weight lifted because I realised it wasn't me/my 'fault', it was her. I'd tried over & over, so my conscience was clear. After a while you realise they have no idea what they are missing & while it's sad for you both, you can find that elsewhere: thru your partner, children, friends etc. Counselling helps massively too. Good luck.

Any parent would be sad for their children struggling with their mental, but a good parent would be supportive of their child and wouldnt resent being needed.

Your mother just sounds selfish. If she was like that with your mental health, how is she going to be any help when you are in labour and vulnerable?

Oops wrong thread.

First part still stands though.

Perma that touched my heart. So well said.

Island

She couldn't cope with me being ill, I think she was so sad for me but ultimately she resented me needing stuff from her.

Not your problem or your responsibility. You were a young person suffering with your mental health, which is totally normal. I expect you believe you're dreadfully flawed and she is quite normal. I also expect this is the narrative SHE has placed upon you throughout your life.

From experience, I would say the ways to get over this are:

• really nurture your own self esteem - you ARE lovable and deserve to be loved, cherish yourself, deal with any negative self-talk etc
• nurture your relationships with friends and DP
• study narcissistic personality disorder, empaths, etc, and explore if any of that plays a role in your life
• talk to a therapist if you want to

I am very flawed, I hold my hands up. But I think I've made a good success out of my life in many ways. In the main my relationships are fine, I rarely fall out with people. If arguments do occur I'm pretty good at communicating and resolving misunderstandings. I have 1 friend that I fell out with a few years ago who I tried to reconnect with a few times and apologise for my part in the falling out, she never responded. Apart from my mum I think that is the only relationship that makes me sad, and of course it's nothing like the mum daughter one. I mean, I've had break ups with a couple of ex boyfriends that were painful, and one took me a while to get over.

I say I'm a marmite person but I think really I'm very hesitant to relax and be comfortable with closeness to people so it's probably me putting them off subconsciously - it takes me a long time. Am a total introvert but also, probably the stuff with my mum knocks my confidence with everyone else.

I love my old friends, their company is so relaxing. But it takes me a long time to build friendships - was always an outside at school for example.

I think you definitely need counselling. I very much doubt your mum's decision has anything to do with you and has everything to do with her. From your description there is no way you've done anything that would cause a mother without her own issues to reject you like that. (Have you defraud her on multiple occasions, stolen from her been violent towards her, abused her?)

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

I had a similar thing happen. I disagreed with my mum about the way she was treating my youngest sister (manipulative, controlling and gaslighting. Recognising this allowed me to understand the way she had treated me through the years was also very poor) and she effectively told me—although not in as many words—that she didn’t want me in her life anymore. She told me I had “undesirable traits” and that she was struggling to come to terms with it. I removed my self from the situation in terms of contact and we haven’t spoken in four years.

I know I can be somewhat difficult. I’m very confident and sort of bossy and I guess in a way I’m quite full on. I also suffered mental health problems as a teen that I think my mum still resents me for. So I understand how it feels to know you have flaws and yet think that your mother should love you unconditionally. It’s very painful.

I spent about a year being very upset and very hurt but the old saying that time heals is true and honestly I’m over it. What really helped was surrounding myself with people who love me and choose to love me. Your friends have chosen to love you and your partner has chosen to love you. They see good things in you. Remind yourself of this daily. They aren’t in your life by chance but because of you and the person you are.

I know that losing your mum in this way can almost feel like a bereavement. So take the time to grieve the relationship. This is not something that will happen fast but you will find new ways to cope. It might help to talk things through with a therapist. It took me a while to work through the complicated relationship I’d had with my mum. I always believed her to be right but understanding that she too is a flawed person and not infallible gave me some perspective and shifted the responsibility I had been carrying for too long. This is not a fast process and you must be kind to yourself and take it one day at a time. It’s really hard dispelling all those old beliefs that come with rejection, and lay the blame solely on you, and replace them with more constructive thoughts that raise your self esteem, not break it down.

I really feel for you because I understand this pain but it can and does get better. Just go easy on yourself.

I don't know what to say, even though I am the same.

What I do is focus on DCs and make sure they know they are loved. Do it better for my family.

One thing you're going to have to accept over time, and you don't have to feel nasty for doing this, is that it is a fault with them. It is (without the heavy blame this implies because people are just how they are) their "fault", their imperfection, part of the cross they bear, not yours. You will have your own imperfections to deal with as we all do, don't attack your own heart and soul for things you ultimately can't change.

No I've never defrauded or been violent or abusive. My mum paid my rent for 2 years at uni though and then gave me part of her inheritance, about £12,000 which I used when I was ill for several years during my twenties before I could get PIP which I then got for a couple of years. I think she regrets giving me the money and I certainly regret taking it now.

I feel almost guilty for subjecting my partner and friends to myself? I know that's insane. I've not done anything to them but feel guilty somehow. Like if they knew what my mum knows, they'd dislike me.

Not all the time, but at times like these.

I know it's hard and i don't know if it makes any difference to how you feel but you're not alone in this sadly. My mum's mum did this, she just hated her and told her so. It was incredibly damaging and mum just couldn't get over it wondering why and what she'd done. Nan was a liar, manipulator and down right old cow. It's very hard as that's the one person who should love u unconditionally but trust me it's their problem not yours, she must be so miserable creating all this hate and drama around her. Sometimes you have to accept people for what they are and realise, however hard it is, that's just them and they aren't capable of change. Big hugs OP

island that's your mum in your head. Your friends and partner DO know you, the real you. Your mother has done a number on your self esteem.

Do you have kids?

If not, let me tell you that a normal mother would walk over hot coals for their kid no matter what they did. Mothers of murderers and rapists and all sorts still love their kids, despite hating what they've done. Hating your kid for having depression is like hating your kid for having cancer or breaking their leg. You might resent that they need so much extra care or be tired or frustrated with the situation but you'd not hate them for it. It makes no fucking sense.

I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, I'm saying this to make you realise that fundamentally there is something very broken with your mother. She's missing a piece of her humanity by the sounds of things. Let yourself grieve that, and the relationship that you should have had. Its such a shame for you.

I don't know where the marmite thing comes from- you have a partner and friends, sounds like you're doing fairly well to me.

I have no advice I'm afraid just wanted to let you know that I've got a terrible relationship with my mum and I too feel jealous of other people who are just so comfortable with their Mums.

I always carefully explain that while I think my Mum "loves" me and the idea of having a daugher she doesn't actually like ME when she is confronted with the reality that is me - if you know what I mean.

My mum is a fantasist and constructs her own ideal worlds and scenarios and i just don't fit in with those.

My mum also thnks that everything wrong with our relationship is down to me alone and nothing to do with her - i don't think that's true.

However - I was determined to break the cycle and have a fantastic relationship with my daughter - she's 30 now and I can honestly say we have never had an argument or even a cross word. Maybe if I had not had the bad relationship with my own mum i wouldn't have made such an effort to not be like her?

I hope you can come to terms wtih your relationship with your mum - I do understand it's hard.

I have to agree with everyone else. The way you describe your mother and yourself... she has been unable to meet your needs, because of her own inadequacy. No matter what problems you had, a good mother would have made sure you knew you were loved no matter how much she may have struggled.

Be sad about not having known the kind of mother daughter relationship some people have, but don't feel responsible for it. It really isn't about you, it's about her. I know, my mum is hopeless too!