AIBU to think women will always have it harder and have more responsibilities/heading for a breakdown

[Stripy29]

Currently lying in the bath after one of the worst days of my life being a parent, feeling sick to my stomach.
DS6 has pretty severe ADHD. Most of the time i can control his behaviour reasonably well, until he builds up and then has an almighty day or two where he's uncontrollable. Today I've had to drop DD1 off at her grandparents after getting pushed over and my DS accidently trapping her hand in a door. I've then tried my best to have a day just me and my DS alone to try and counteract the hyperactivity, took him for a long walk in some woods then into town for some lunch. We dont do this very often as school/work/childcare usually stop us. I cannot take both children out together as if my son has an episode he could do anything and could potentially endanger my daughter for example if i have to run after him. Today ended in me having to restrain him multiple times from him being violent and running away from me, and more upsetting him claiming he wanted to die and wanted me to let him get hit by a car. Its all getting too much for me.
I work 3 days a week, 2 of those days i go to work on a night shift after me being at home all day with both children, doing all the housework, cooking, washing, shopping ect. I deal with all the finances and paying bills. My DH works 10 hour shifts 6 days a week 2 weeks a month, then 10 hour shifts 4 days a week the other two. He comes home and gives dd1 her milk most nights at bedtime and sometimes gets her to sleep and eveything else comes down to me.
I am absolutely at my limit. DS6 has help at school but as we are in the 6 weeks holidays has no support now. Im trying my best with everything but i feel like im failing. I've got history of depression and i have terrible anxiety, I'm trying to not let this all break me but its really starting to.
I just want to know if anyone else lives like this? If anyone else has a child with adhd please tell me it gets better? Im so scared of him getting out of control and me having to choose between my children. I can't let him hurt my daughter and for her to be unsafe.

I'm so sorry I don't have any advice, but wanted to bump this for you

Thank you IHATEPeppaPig

I'm afraid I don't have any advice either.
I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone in feeling overwhelmed and exhausted by it all.
I had a cry in the bath today after a long day of being shouted at, and worrying about the dds having a shit holiday and feeling guilty that I am not doing enough, and resentful that I am trying to keep on top of everything, and STILL feel like I am failing.
Ds is 8 and has a genetic condition with features of ASD and ADHD, the Summer holidays are feeling like hard work.

Thank you hazeyjane. I know being a parent is hard work but some days i feel like the stress is indescribable. I try and tell myself to let go a bit and to not let small stuff bother me but i still feel just as pressured, stressed and downright exhausted. Most people cant wait for the summer holidays, every year i absolutely dread them.
In a wierd way I'm glad I'm not alone in all this. Hope it all starts getting better for you too

Dd s 14 and has suspected adhd. It presents differently in girls so is often missed. I remember feeling the same when she was at your stage. She did get a lot calmer at around 7/8 but difficult again when starting secondary. It was definitely harder when ds (now 9) was a baby

Do you have anyone who can give you the odd 2hours break OP? You need downtime built in or you are going to hit a wall re tiredness. Youngminds.org.uk and UKadhd.com have advice, coping & behavioural strategies as well as support & other resources available. HTH.

Interesting to know that about girls gandalf456, definitely going to keep my eyes peeled as DD grows up. Changes effect DS badly too. Hes moving into last year in primary in September.
Thanks CSIblonde. My mum has been having him for a couple of hours when shes off work but shes been having to bring him back because she cant control him. The smallest thing kicks him off, hes getting aggressive to her too but when she goes he cries and says he wants his nanna. He's been doing the same thing to DH parents, they have had to bring him back as they are a lot older and retired so find it difficult.

What does dh do on the days he isnt working?
Could he not look after ds on those days?

Bumping

Have you looked for free services in your area for children with difficulties?

Could he try forest schools etc

Have you asked the head teacher if they know of anything else or the local authority?

Sadly when it comes to the holidays, we are very often 'on our own' as if all the term times anxieties and behaviour just disappear.

Have you googled local support groups in your area? I've found one for us which puts on activities in the holidays where all the siblings are welcome too. It might only be fortnightly but it's a help knowing we won't be judged.

Endofthelinefinally 1 of his days off is the only day off we have together as a family as we always try to go out and do something fun but always ends up us wishing we hadnt bothered. The other 2 days he has off i work a late shift and a 10 hour shift. So he watches both DC but doesnt get anything else done as i try and have a routine and desperately try to do housework in the small amount of time ones quiet/ones asleep. So i get back from work and feel like im trying to catch up all week on tiredness and chores. I have thought about leaving my job but i need the time out the house for my own mental health.
I havent thought about any free services but im friends with a couple of mums whos kids have problems and they have never mentioned anything, i spoke to one this morning about everything and she says she's in same boat as me.
Im definitely going to have a meeting with school when hes back, im concerned about him expressing he wants to hurt himself and now its going to really set me in edge when hes away from me.
Woke up this morning aching all over and in pain from having to restrain and pin him down yesterday.

DDs symptoms are comparatively mild and CAMHS say she may not be enough for a full blown diagnosis but a lot of what you write is v familiar. Most of the time, her behaviour can just be either full on or irritating but goes through phases of being unmanageable when under stress. A lot of it's down to an inability to regulate emotion

Is he under CAMHS at all? They do have a crisis line. Youngminds are brilliant, too. They can advise you on how to get more support.

One thing I did worry about when she got violent. I stopped restraining her as it made her more aggressive and likely to lash out . I often got kicked and even spat at. I did also used to worry she might hurt herself from struggling. I'd go for putting him somewhere where there's nothing to hurt himself with then talk to him when calm

The struggling to cope with emotions is bang on. He gets embarrassed very easily, cries like a baby when hes upset but rarely shows fear. Doesnt give a hoot when gets things taken off him or put in his room to calm down. But when im a good mood hes so loving and kind. Its a mind screw because he jumps from one extreme to the other in the space of 10 minutes.
His behaviour is irritating most of the time, he does it on purpose. Mainly silly noises, name calling, screaming. He waits until his sisters asleep then makes as much noise to wake her up. He goes into her on a morning because he wakes up earlier than her and wakes her up before I'm even awake because I'm lazy and need to get up according to him.
I dont tend to restrain at home, usually he goes to his room or i put him in the garden . but i have to in public because he purposefully tries to run off and tries to run into roads.
He isnt under CAHMS at the moment, I've had to really fight at his school and the gps to get something sorted so we have only had a couple of sessions at the hospital where hes still being assessed. But the last term at school he's had more help, he goes in a quiet space a couple of times a week when hes struggling, has a classroom and lunchtime helper, child psychologist goes into see him and he has 2 speech and language sessions a week as he also has a stammer.

Oh yes dd did the noises and waking the baby. She can also be very loving and kind. Going from one extreme to another yes, yes and yes! She didn't care about consequences either. Her attention span is too short and loses interest easily anyway

I think we've made some progress. Today, her computer is slow. 6 months ago she would have bashed it but now she just handed it to me demanding I sort it or get a new one

He has no fear of punishments or consequences. He twists it all round and says he wants to go to his room. He wants to sleep so thank you for letting him. He doesnt want his things so thank you for confiscating them. What else can you do to show them their behaviour is unacceptable?
Im so glad my child isnt the only one like it.
Its just so hard living day to day with it.
I dont have periods anymore due to my pill but I've actually come on due to stress and its not slowing down at all. 2 weeks now heavy bleeding so thats just making me feel worse.
That is good progress your daughter is making definitely. Shows shes becoming a bit more rational. We get tantrums if anythings not working properly but theres no patience, it gets fixed now or he gets a new one today or its world war 3 and another meltdown commences. Of course he doesnt get his own way, i haven't got money coming out of my ears and i refuse to answer to his unreasonable demands. Just another meltdown to cope with.