AIBU - to be livid with both sides of our family?

[cobblett36]

Okay so some back story, 4 weeks ago my DH went into hospital with a collapsed lung, it's not been as straight forward as first thought and he was transferred to a specialist hospital for surgery which he is now recovering from.

Now my reasons for being Livid with both sides of the clan - we have twin DDs age 7. In these 4 weeks, no one has offered me any help. My own DM hasn't even been to visit me. I just feel so lonely and let down. What happened to families dropping off meals and offering to help etc? Maybe I'm picturing some perfect family life here. But I just feel forgotten, like the words are there via text but where is the physical help?! Had this been reversed and I was in hospital, MIL would be doing all the cooking etc and would have the twins over night. (Not saying that i expect her to cook for me, but the offer would be nice kind of thing?) My DM would have had the girls as well. I know this because it happened when I was diagnosed with a very serious DVT which limits my walking etc. Perhaps it's being tired from my own illness and all the stress of missing my DH who really is the best man I've ever met. But why does it feel that because I have the vagina I should just DO everything, remain happy, keep the house clean, the kids happy and occupied, the dog walked, the food shop done, it all just lands on us doesn't it.

Had a grumble to my DM and told her how I feel. She said sorry shes useless, but still hasn't offered to come and bloody see me. My GD passed away 2 weeks before my DH went into hospital so I do understand she has her own stuff to deal with as well. But bleh, I just need a vent and reassurance that it's okay to feel this way! new to MN so sorry If my abbreviations aren't all correct xx

Had this been reversed and I was in hospital, MIL would be doing all the cooking etc and would have the twins over night

Why hasn’t your MIL helped?

I’m sorry about your GD OP

Was he your Mum’s Dad? If so, I can kind of see why she’s not been around. I know it’s rough on you, but it’s so recent that she’s probably still really struggling with grief.

I'm so sorry you are having a horrible time, I hope your DH starts to recover and feel better soon.

Your family sound really shit, and yes you should expect some more help (with the kids, meals or shopping help).

Are you normally a very private person? Or do you come across as very capable and in control?....I'm Just trying to figure out why they feel you don't need help.

I'd send out a blanket text to all family along the lines of 'here's an update on DH's condition....DC and I are managing our best but would welcome any practical help from anyone, as you can imagine it's been a real struggle and most days I feel like I'm sinking rather than swimming'

That’s pretty shit not to offer.
I hope he recovers soon.
You should ask though - even if you shouldn’t have to, don’t cut your nose off to spite your face!

Only factor I would mention... are you a SAHM or working part time? If so, it’s not as obvious that you have extra tasks on your plate (extra worries yes) if you’re the primary carer?

I don't think you're being unreasonable.

It's very sad that your experience is that the troops rally for your DH but not for you.

I do think it's a part of everyday sexism if I'm honest - many women are just expect to get on with it and cope - and generally we do.....but it would be nice if people (especially family) would help share the load.

I'm sorry it's like that for you. So difficult. :(

I would imagine your mum is a bit of a mess because of your GD. Did you ask for specific help though? Maybe she can't think clearly enough at the moment but is willing?

Also, Ellisandra makes a good point.

When my DH was in hospital my DM and MIL didn't help at all. But as I'm a SAHM I think they just saw it as I was continuing as normal.

My friends were great so I was ok tbf.

Hugs to you. But maybe ask for some help, as maybe they just think you're coping and would ask if you need.

And MIL would perhaps know how to help her son ie cooking, helping with kids as he'd have work bit perhaps doesn't want to butt in??

Ask them to help. Not everyone is as focused on your life as you are and they may think youre fine as things are. Dont sit and seethe. I hope he recovers soon.

Thankyou for your replies I appreciate them.

It was my DMs dad and I feel terrible for being upset with her.
I'm not an overly private person, our famjly are the sort usually say if the washing machine breaks, they will all know. Quite close knit.

I'm a SAHM so can completely see why maybe they think it's just every day normality. I've not asked for help, but have told everyone how much I'm struggling. I was so ran down I got a really bad UTI last week, and still then no one offered help. I do need to ASK more I'm a very anxious person so I always think people will think I'm being cheeky etc. This has kind of given me the confidence to realise it's okay to ask! Thankyou.

You're not at all unreasonable. I do hope they start rallying round for you. Like you, I thought that's what families were for. 💐

No, yanbu at all.

Years ago my xh found himself in hospital unexpectedly at the start of September - I'm a teacher so it was my crazy time, plus 3 tiny dc who would have normally have had their dad taking as much as possible on at that time of year.

No one did much.

A year previously, when I'd been hospitalised during a difficult pregnancy, xh was drowning in offers of help! There he was, poor chap, 2dc to care for & his wife laid up & unable to perform her usual duties...

It's crap.

In the situation you described DH in hospital trying to cope with two 7 year olds I would have hoped that people would have dropped off home made frozen meals, offered to have had the DCs to allow visiting or even just a nap in the day time. That was the case in the past in most areas. I was in an almost similar position and the only person who said she would look after DC for me was a very aged spinster aunt.
This is the type of thing that will continue. Things I have read on MN about people not wanting visitors until new baby is a week or more old, people who don't answer the house phone or wont open the door unless the are expecting someone make it seem quite anti social to be what I would take to be normal such as visiting a new baby, calling a friend for a chat on the phone or dropping by when I am close to a person's house.
I don't do things like that anymore for fear of rejection. It is isolating and probably why people now feel more lonely than ever before.

YANBU.

Even if you are a SAHM, it would still be nice for people to offer what help they can in that kind of situation!
I think if they don't offer, you should ask.
Is your dad still around?
I do think that in an ideal world, your DM and MIL would offer to visit and help if they can, but I also think think that your DH and FIL should too....

That's really shit OP.
Ask them outright, make them consider their selfish ways these last few weeks.

YANBU at all and I’m so sorry about your DH and the loss of your GD. Awful time

It’s rubbish no one’s offered. Of course you don’t want to have to ask. A friend knocked on the door and had driven off leaving a lasagne on the porch before I got to the door when we were having a shit time a few months back and it meant so much to me. We had food in but the thought and effort was lovely and that’s all you’re asking for.

Purple that must've been so hard for you, I can only begin to imagine the stress. The one saving grace really has been that it's happened during the summer holidays, I feel dreadful that DDs haven't had the best of summers but with dodgy visiting hours at the hospitals and school runs it would've been even harder.

My dad passed away when i was 12, my DM has a partner who's lovely and would help if I asked. I think I've kinda made a rod for my own back, but I needed this chat to make me realise.

Thankyou soo much!

What a lush friend! My friend had me a huge bouquet delivered last week, I burst into tears. Wouldn't have got through this so well if it wasn't for my friends or my dog haha!