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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for help with 3 very badly behaved kids. Poor sis is at breaking point :(

38 replies

CiaoAdiosImDone · 15/08/2018 21:47

Sorry if this is not best place to ask but always seems to be good advice on AIBU boards

Background - my sis has 3 ds age 9, 7 and 5. She is a single parent due to domestic abuse. Their dad had non molestation order to prevent him seeing my sis and was only allowed to see kids in contact centre.
All this then expired and courts agreed he was allowed contact on a weekend for 2 hrs.

Kids behaviour has never been good but it's now beyond ridiculous. My sis is trying to keep it together but they are so naughty she is seriously on the brink and I don't know how to help her.

It's sad for them as they've obviously been through and seen a lot and it's still ongoing now.

In the mean time does anyone have any tips on how she can get kids to be better?
They fight like animals. They're rude and obnoxious. They have no respect for each other, strangers, family, toys, her house etc. She can't complete simple tasks such as a quick trip to the shops without them completely embarrassing her as they literaly will rugby tackle each other to the floor and wrestle until they're physically pulled apart which is getting increasingly difficult with the 9yo for my small sister.. They'll bash into other people, scream and shout like a heard of howler monkeys. She has little money but what she has she'll treat them to trips to theme park, swimming etc and always ends up having to leave as they're so bad.
Threats down work. She always follows through eg. She took them to buy new school shoes and said if they were good they could get a macdonalds after. They were awful so they went without. They were pissed about it for all of 20 seconds. They've been on an xbox and tablet ban for almost a week - they don't care. It's counter productive because without stuff to do or places to go they're worse behaved than before! But how else can she punish?
I have a 2yo and a 3 month old so don't feel in the best place to be offering to take them off her hands because to be honest I can't really deal with it for even an hour so I don't know how she's getting by day to day!
But even if I took them for an hour it won't solve it long term.
Worth adding middle son (age 7) is query SN for autism. He has very bad ticks, laughs hysterically constantly (like a nervous thing) and has to be bashing something all the time but he is also incredibly bright.
Please help!

OP posts:

mineofuselessinformation · 15/08/2018 21:51

Could you go and stay with her and give her a bit of backup? It sounds like she's trying but needs help.
She could look at Homestart if it's available in her area as well.
If the second child has ASD, a clear routine would be very helpful - and in fact would be in any case, but I do understand being torn between three dcs on your own is difficult.

Original poster

CiaoAdiosImDone · 15/08/2018 21:55

Thanks for responding. Staying with her isnt really an option die to my own young ds's plus the fact she has a small 3 bed house and no room for us.
My mum has offered to take them off her hands for a weekend but my sis won't put her through it because she knows how bad they are she feels ashamed :(

OP posts:

serbska · 15/08/2018 21:58

Yikes sounds tough. Baring any ‘issues’ I guess they might just need an awful lot of attention and consistent boundaries, but that’s a hard place to get to.

Sounds like she could do with super nanny!

Joking aside, an extra pair of hands and a bit of a rest sometimes would probably help.

Pressuredrip · 15/08/2018 21:59

Look up Tourette's. usually goes hand in hand with ADHD and ASD too. May help her get a faster diagnosis too as Tourette's is easier to diagnose. I don't have any other good advice I'm afraid, going through very similar myself.

xyzandabc · 15/08/2018 21:59

Divide and conquer. Could you or your mum offer to take just one of them for a day?

I have 3 and when one of them is out or away somewhere, honestly, looking after 2 seems like a doddle. Or maybe even take 1 each leaving your sister with just the 1. Though it wouldn't be a completely break for her, it would definitely be an easier day. Also nice for the kids to either have some undivided attention and a break from each other.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 15/08/2018 22:00

Could your mum have your kids for the weekend and you help your sister?

HuntIdeas · 15/08/2018 22:00

Can family help to divide and conquer? I bet even your mum taking one of them at a time would change the dynamic with the remaining 2

Could your mum take it in turns to take one each weekend for the next 3 weeks (I know it’s a big commitment!). If you could do the same, take one each Wednesday for the next three weeks I bet your sister would still get a decent break and each child would benefit from some 1:1 time x

Original poster

CiaoAdiosImDone · 15/08/2018 22:03

Thanks. Just going to suggest that now then as I'm taking my 2 to see another family member elsewhere on the country next week for the day :) so I can take 1 of hers too.

Also Pressuredrip he's almost certainly got tourettes, although they were not keen to use the word because they said at this age it may not turn into full tourettes as an adult. He has lots of facial twitches and verbal ticks that come and go such as making clicking noises.

Even with them confirming it they said he's likely to grow out of it an offered nothing but cbt which did nothing!

OP posts:

elephantoverthehill · 15/08/2018 22:03

Could you split the 3 Dcs between you, your Dsis and your Dm for rotating weekends? That would mean that each of you could begin to rebond with each DC as individual and perhaps give the Dcs some space from the 'pack' instinct? I hope that makes sense.

MagicKeysToAsda · 15/08/2018 22:04

I'm going to suggest joining the therapeutic parents group on Facebook, for advice and support about how to parent children who've experienced / witnessed things like domestic violence. I know it's so very hard, but their behaviour may well come from a place of fear, and a punishment response won't stop them from behaving in the way they've learned gets them mum's attention (and therefore is their survival strategy, subconsciously). You've seen that punishing doesn't affect them - I think this is because the fear is much more powerful than any object, and the unsupervised contact could be increasing their sense of being in danger. Is your sister getting support herself, from something like the Freedom programme?

HouseOfSix · 15/08/2018 22:04

That sounds hard. Can she afford sports clubs or hobby clubs - football or rugby etc? Sounds like they have a lot of energy which need redirected plus would keep them busy and develop new skills in a group setting.

MozzieMagnet · 15/08/2018 22:05

that's a good idea - your Mum takes the 9 year old, does 1-1 baking or something, you take the 5 year old - do playdo and puzzles, sister keeps the 7 year old.
Just for a few hours.

Thehop · 15/08/2018 22:05

Does she have a surestart children’s centre nearby? Home start for some support?

If cafcass are still involved or the children’s centre can they put her in touch with anyone?

GP or HV as a last resort?

leccybill · 15/08/2018 22:05

Sounds like they're crying out for some one to one time.
Good suggestion to offer to have one for a bit. Or let each of them have a friend round for tea and hope they get the offer back.

Do they get lots of exercise? I find boys can be like puppies - they need a good run round in open space twice a day!

Starlight345 · 15/08/2018 22:06

I don’t know about your area we have a mat team who are a behaviour team who support parents. How are they at school or separate ?

With shopping she needs an advanced plan . Tell them how to behave before they leave home. Praise every time one of them is behaving.

Original poster

CiaoAdiosImDone · 15/08/2018 22:06

Thanks I'll definitely speak to my mum to come up with a plan to help her with childcare . It's awful seeing her looking like she's drowning. She's trying so hard to get her life back on track. She's just about to go I to her final year at uni despite being in her 30s as she wants to get a good career etc but the kids are making her life living hell. She's meant to have done a load of work over summer but they refuse to go to bed at night and she can't leave them for a second unattended in the day. She is just losing the will it's pretty sad and frustrating for us around her to watch.

Does anyone have any methods of helping with their behaviour? Stuff that works with my 2yo would have no impact on hers so I'm at a loss!

OP posts:

ValiaH · 15/08/2018 22:07

It sounds like theyre crying out for consistency and positive attention, after their dad left and they didnt see him. Do they see him now? I would scale back- no theme parks etc. Online supermarket shops. Keep the xbox etc off except for very limuted perods of time and take them outside as much as possible where they can run off steam- parks, walks in woods/ along seafront etc if thats an option. Make sure that each of them gets one on one time with her as often as possible- even one child a day for 15 mins on their own could make a huge difference if her household is as busy asmine is with 3! It sounds like they need a physical outlet for their energy, and if the middle does have autiam then shopping, theme.parks etc are probably going to overwhelm him and overstimulate him and he may not have the ability to control his impulses. Routine would be helpful, and if theyre still on achool holidays they are probably acting out because they are used to the routine and now thats gone as well.

RippleEffects · 15/08/2018 22:10

Could your mum have one DC one day/ timeslot a week and you have another the same day/ timeslot so your Dsis could get some time with one child and work with them one at a time.

If you could rotate which child each time they'd all get special aunty, granny, mum positive time. Hopefully the good experience of some 1-1 time with each child will help with strength to start tackling the challenging behaviours.

She could mix it up with different combinations of the children to teach them to enjoy each other's company.

With behaviour it's not all going to change overnight but a clear routine and some simple clear boundaries and rewards may help.

If your nephew is querry ASD your sis may be able to get DLA, a family support worker, carers allowance, respite etc. The special needs boards are good for advice in this area.

SoftSheen · 15/08/2018 22:12

You sister could try to get some help from a family support worker, which she may be able to access through her DCs school. They might be able to suggest some useful strategies.

If your sister can afford it, it might help if the children could each be signed up to some of regular sports club or activity, independent of each other (ideally ones that involve some level of discipline and positive male role models). Maybe a martial art, cubs or scouts etc, depending on their interests.

Also, getting all the children outside, running around in the open air, for as long as possible each day, can only be a good thing.

Original poster

CiaoAdiosImDone · 15/08/2018 22:16

Sorry I missed loads of responses then!

I'll get her to take a look at the Facebook group as suggested.

Also cafcass are still involved, in fact she has a telephone apt with them on Monday due to new threats from the ex (3 yrs on and will not leave her alone). All local surestarts have gone due to cuts.

At school they're fine. They can be a bit daft now and then but on the whole the teachers are shocked to hear how they are at home.

They don't get out enough in my opinion, my sis does what she can with the time she's given. They are all very strong swimmers and go to the park on weekends.

But during the week they're with child minder normally after school while sis at uni and then home for dinner and bed.
Weekends she does take them out but she has to get her uni work done too. Plus no money for other clubs like football.
It's so shit for her

OP posts:

Original poster

CiaoAdiosImDone · 15/08/2018 22:18

Ah yes softsheen - they're with beavers type thing already. They like that.

Will speak to my mum now to see if we can get a plan in place

OP posts:

Mishappening · 15/08/2018 22:18

Is there any sort of family centre near them? I know that the LAs have been closing them down for want of funds, but they are often helpful in these situations.

LIZS · 15/08/2018 22:22

Does she have a hv? Could they support her to find parenting courses and activities for the dc to help them vent. Do they want to see their father?

quizqueen · 15/08/2018 22:24

Parents need to understand that discipline begins from the birth of the child. It's very difficult to undo learnt behaviour in later years. Your sister needs to keep life very simple, certainly no theme parks trips with unruly children, and introduce simple rules one at a time e.g. food to be consumed at the table as a family or go hungry till the next meal.

AjasLipstick · 15/08/2018 22:25

www.home-start.org.uk/

She sounds like an ideal candidate for HomeStart OP. It's a charity made up of very well tested volunteers who will visit you in your home and do whatever you need.

If it's housework then that's what they do....cleaning or playing with the children....helping in any way.

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