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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to leave ex-friend out of mutual friend invites?

21 replies

Anonymumm · 15/08/2018 17:13

I've written a couple of posts and received great advice, but my question today is, is it possible to share mutual friends with an ex-friend?

If I am arranging a get together within our mutual friendship groups, do I have to invite ex-friend? (I wouldn't like to be missed off an invite, and indeed was invited to one at her house, instigated by a mutual friend, but whilst I'd have been happy to meet on mutual territory I don't want to go to her house, nor would I want her to come to mine - but I know that if I invited her to mine, she would happily come, if that makes sense?)

I'd like to have the girls over for some drinks, but I don't really want to invite her - thoughts please.

OP posts:

Cherubfish · 15/08/2018 17:15

I guess it depends partly why she is an ex friend. But without any more details, as you'd be upset to be missed off yourself, I think you should 'do as you would be done by' and invite her.

HollowTalk · 15/08/2018 17:16

Why is she an ex-friend?

gamerchick · 15/08/2018 17:18

I dunno it depends on what she did. Sleeping with your dude might be one thing, wrecking at item of clothing is something else.

Original poster

Anonymumm · 15/08/2018 17:30

It's a tangled web of spaghetti, nothing as serious as broaching trust, she was an extremely needy, clingy and possessive friend, this escalated, coinciding with her bad mouthing a mutual friend, big time, in a way that could have got her into trouble, and compromised an official position she holds, and was also based on what were essentially a completely fabricated version of events.
This made me wary at how two faces she was, I pulled back a bit, said I couldn't meet her on a couple of days she proposed. she panicked, messaged me saying I was different, I reassured her, messaged asking what she had done wrong, I reassured her, messaged saying she needed to meet with me to talk everything through, then sent me a letter and expensive gift from a friends shop. She also used to orchestrate things to be where I was, had to know who, what, where, when, and who I was with. Used to track my every move, watch where I'd parked my car. She also used to try and drive wedges between me and mutual friends, particularly the one whom she bad mouthed and is oblivious to it all, yet whom she is still having to her house for coffee, etc. Etc. I guess referring to her as an ex-friend is perhaps a bit strong but she sounds certainly downgraded to acquaintance and I can't go back to claustrophobic clingon world again, it was suffocating.

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 15/08/2018 17:32

I’m in a similar position, in that I used to run with a largish group but 5 women (inc me) were almost inseparable.

I fell out with two of them but remain friends with the other two. The four of them often do things without me which is fine. I see the two I like without the two I don’t with no problem. Big occasions (birthdays and weddings of others) then we’ll all go.

Don’t invite people you don’t like but deal with being not included occasionally.

ShirleyPhallus · 15/08/2018 17:32

Don’t invite her then

Invite her to big group things (ie mutual friends birthday) but not to an intimate group like this

Original poster

Anonymumm · 15/08/2018 17:33

That all reads very shallow, but I managed to put it all to rest thanks to my other posts which give a bit more of the backstory, there's slot more to it - it's a lasagne, lots of layers - but just wondered how I play things.

@Cherubfish I think your right 'do as you'd be done by' even if I don't want to do it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Anonymumm · 15/08/2018 17:35

@merryoldgoat @ShirleyPhallus

Good to get another perspective too, I really don't want to do it, I'm just torn because I've never been in a situation like this before.

I think she would just drag me, and things down.

OP posts:

Original poster

Anonymumm · 15/08/2018 17:37

I'm actually dreading the school run, as I'll see her then and I don't really want to be anywhere near her, which isn't me, but I just don't have the time nor the emotional energy for her childish manipulative behaviour, plus, I think if I even let her see a glint of light at the edge of the door, she'll ram it open and I'll be back to square one.

OP posts:

nibblingandbiting · 15/08/2018 17:54

Why all the worry about an ex-friend.
They are no longer in your life because the friendship isn't there anymore. No need to invite.
Yes, I know mutual friends are also going to be there. But by the logic of inviting her because of this, it also means that every get-together - party, wedding, christening, landmark birthday etc for however many years, she's going to get invited. Madness.

Nikephorus · 15/08/2018 18:13

If it's a small thing then you don't need to invite her( 'didn't want to invite everyone'), if it's a big thing then probably best (and you can avoid her more). Life is too short to feel obliged.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 15/08/2018 18:27

dont invite her if its a small group at your home. Is there any reason why she would even know she wasnt included. As long as you aren't being two faced and are not best mates with her when she is there.

Obvioulsy yuou have to expect that she will begin to reciprocated and there will be things you don't get invited to that she organises but if you don;t get on why would you let that bother you?.

Life is too short to spend it in the company of people who don't treat you well and she sounds like she has been a smothering and controlling friend so you have every rjght to pull away. I think the only reason that you are questioning it is beause she has made you feel like this with her behaviour.

HollowTalk · 15/08/2018 18:28

Come on, OP. She's not your friend. Why would you invite her? Surround yourself with people who make you happy and don't bother with those who drag you down.

Leeds2 · 15/08/2018 18:29

Is there any chance you could invite her, but make it an evening when you know she will be away/busy? Might backfire though!

SuperRandom · 15/08/2018 18:30

Sounds really childish.
Don't invite her.

TrippingTheVelvet · 15/08/2018 18:30

How big is the group? If there's only 4 of you I think it's ok to not ask the other girl. A bigger group like 8 more, I'd think it was mean.

AtrociousCircumstance · 15/08/2018 18:32

Don’t invite her. Spend your time with the people you like.

ApproachingATunnel · 15/08/2018 18:35

She sounds way ott but perhaps i would give her a try arranging something not in your house and inviting her along as well. You will be facing her on school run and it will be even more awkward as she will know you didn’t invite her.

Hellywelly10 · 15/08/2018 18:49

Dont initiate any contact with her at all. How long ago did all this happen? I would give it a while tbh.

Original poster

Anonymumm · 15/08/2018 20:32

Thank you all, I guess I'm just worry that I upset or offend her but then, I have to live my own life and not worry I suppose, too much water under the bridge.

It happened 3 months ago, and all at a time when we were waiting to see whether my Dad was going to face cancer for the third time (we are very lucky in that he didn't, and she wasn't to know this, and still does not and I will not let her know that, but it didn't help matters any)

I have to live my life for me and not be a people pleaser.

It is all very childish and I can really not be doing with drama or games like this.

As ever, thank you all for your sound advice and different perspectives - you start chatting about things like this within your circle of friends and you look like a shit stirrer and a gossip, I also wouldn't want others to change their opinion of her as it wouldn't be fair, this has just been my experience.

OP posts:

9amTrain · 15/08/2018 21:18

Why would you consider inviting an ex friend to anything? Don't worry about it.

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