Working, cooking, cleaning, looking after DS

[mammy0f0ne]

I'm fed up. I work three days a week as a carer (not the easiest job in the world) I'm then expected to come home look after DS clean and cook my OH's tea.
He comes home from work sits down and does nothing. He claims this is okay because he does the garden at the weekend. Yet at the weekend I'm expected to do all the things I usually do. I never get a break.

Am I being unreasonable? I feel like I'm going to have a mental break down.

It's not okay and you know it's not okay. He needs to get off his lazy arse. What does he actually say when you speak to him about it? I think maternity leave quickly turns into housework leave - and partners suddenly expect the one who's off to pick up after them and them think that's the way it's always going to be.

How involved is he with your DS? Does he not even bother to play with him rather than just sitting on the sofa?

Leave him for the weekend!

Oh and stop cooking the bastards tea!

THEN not them!

Oh. And slightly off topic OP but I think being a carer is one of the hardest jobs out there, mentally, physically and emotionally. I really admire you for what you do, even more so with a young child!

So what happens come the winter time, i assume he switches to household chores...nope?!
Honestly stop doing it, when dinner isnt cooked or the plates arent washed they learn (well some do).

He just expects me to be a housewife and thinks that because he works full time he doesn't have to help run the house.

He's honestly not even that arsed about our little boy either. The other day I went to work at eight and DS had just woken up. I was covering one shift I got back at 3 hours later and he was still in his cot crying. I'm at my wits end now I really am.

YANBU. Why don't you swap household tasks. You do the garden at the weekend and he can do al your jobs when he gets home from work.

The other day I went to work at eight and DS had just woken up. I was covering one shift I got back at 3 hours later and he was still in his cot crying.

WTAF? This is horrendous. He just left him in his cot awake for 3 hours? I'd LTB for that.

That's neglect and I would be giving him a sharp shock!

So you’re expected to work 24/7 and he thinks it’s ok for him not to? No that’s not ok, you’re not a skivvy. And if he’s ignoring your child and not being a parent then that really isn’t ok. Your poor DS.

He should help out... But you do work only 3 days a week and so I think you should be doing more than him. But he should definitely be doing something.

That’s awful, op! You are certainly NOT being unreasonable!
That’s not a healthy relationship. You are meant to be a team, not a one man band. Leaving his child like that is also shocking.

I think you need to sit down and dish out some ultimatums and think about it you want to stay in this relationship.
You deserve better

The other day I went to work at eight and DS had just woken up. I was covering one shift I got back at 3 hours later and he was still in his cot crying

I don’t often say this, but LTB. Seriously, he has neglected your most precious thing. I wouldn’t have him anywhere near my child after that.

OP - the update about the way he's treated your son is shocking. There's no excuse for it. Has he always been like this with him?

Have you confronted him about it? What was his excuse?

I agree though.LTB. You can't stand by and let him treat your son like that.

Though I do wonder with all this sitting around and being a lazy bastard lark if he may be depressed...

That's the only time he's ever done that to him. We left for a week after that and he's been fine with DS since.

He used to be so good around the house. After having DS I got diagnosed with PTSD from my labour and things that happened afterwards, he used to cook every night and clean all the time couldn't fault him. Since he's started his new job everything's changed. I feel like he's pushing me back into a depressive state. There's no way he's depressed he's had depression before and was nothing like this.

My life is like clockwork and it's killing me.

@Goth237
Working 3 days in the care industry is working full time trust me. It's exhausting.

I think you need a really good air clearing OP. Is there someone who could have DS for a couple of hours so you can really talk. Depression can manifest in so many different ways, that said, you can't go on as you are as it's already having an impact on your mental health.

He may just be an arsehole. But it sounds like there's something going on that he isn't telling you about. Does he talk much about his new job?

Goth - chances are 3 days = 3 x 12 hour shifts. So hardly part time. But it is besides the point. The OP could work an hour or every day of the week and the issue is still the same; a DH who doesn't pull his weight.

I was covering one shift I got back at 3 hours later and he was still in his cot crying. I'm at my wits end now I really am

Honestly, I would give your DP a warning that if he EVER does that again and doesn't get his arse in gear NOW, you're leaving him...at least then you'll get a break when DP has access EOW or whenever he has him.

He just expects me to be a housewife and thinks that because he works full time he doesn't have to help run the house.

So, basically he considers himself to have purchased you.

We left for a week after that and he's been fine with DS since.

Except now everything else is so much worse you're at breaking point.

Because he knows that no matter how much of a twat he is you will come back to him, so he no longer needs to try or pretend not to be a lazy arse in order to keep ownership of you.

It strikes me that your life sounds even harder than if you were a single parent. What is he adding to your life besides heartache and stress?

I'm going to leave this link here so you can evaluate things and draw your own conclusions: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

For the avoidance of doubt, the way he is treating you is not acceptable, not normal, and not how a loving partner would treat you.

That's the only time he's ever done that to him.

How do you know?

It's your job as his mother to protect your child.

How do you know he won't do it again. The kind of person that could do that is neglectful and abusive. That won't change.

Sorry OP but I'm astounded at the behaviour with his son, that's indefensible. What are you doing about it?

I've kicked him out. He's gone. I'm done with his shitty attitude

Good.

OP.

It’ll be easier without him - just you & DS to consider.

Hope you have RL support.

You've got this OP ! I know it's tough now, but you've done the absolute best thing for you and your son. I hope you've managed to sort childcare for him where you KNOW he will be safe, loved and looked after while you're at work.