Naughty nephew

[Mummytobe2018123]

So I’m due a baby boy in the next few weeks, I’m so excited and can not wait!!!! Only problem is I have a nephew and his behaviours is worrying!!! I love him to pieces but im scared my son will be influenced as he gets older by the way my nephew behaves!
I’m 18 and have many baby worries but I must say this is my biggest one!!
So about my nephews behaviour:
•he is 4 years old, my sister Is in school every night with him because of him doing something to get put on the naughty Face. He is already in 1 to 1 groups at school & been to see the head teacher!!!! He hits, sweats and is just awful to other children and the teachers... he’s took and dislike to one teacher so purposely acts up for her.

•I also have a sister at 4 yo, he infulences her ALOT!!! he will be told not to do something or say something and he will whisper to my sister telling her to do it so she gets in trouble! He takes her toys from her so she cries and then hides them, he can not share at all!

•when he gets into trouble he will either laugh at my sister or smack her. When being told off or told not to do something he will just walk past her like she’s not even there, like he can not hear her and carry on doing whatever he was told not to! She’s cried over his behaviour many of times!

•in school the other week everyone was at dinner eating and he stood on top of the dinner table and started shouting “I am the champion, look at me everyone” after all the class was told to eat quietly

•if he doesn’t get his own way he will ask and ask and ask until someone gives into him. If he is told no off someone he will blank them and carry on asking expecting someone else to say yes which usually my sister does!

•my sister cries at least 7 times within 4 hours because he’s either hit her, threatened her, took something from her and hid it. We can’t take them out together as it’s embarrassing constantly having to tell him to stop winding her up! This morning he took her hair brush and backed her into a corner holding the hair brush up saying he’s going to batter her with it! HES 4!!!!

•he can eat until he can’t eat no more and if someone else is eating he will take their food ! Normal behaviour but he will ask for something ie Chocolate so we will give him chocolate and my sister too, the same thing... he will throw his chocolate away and take hers from her.

He’s got to be centre of attention all the time and he gets away with it! I’m just so scared my son is going to get older see his behaviour and think it’s acceptable! Can anyone advise or put me at ease! :(

I would move away even just a couple of streets away. No good will come from living across the road. Your sister isn’t coping with her son and it’s impacting the whole family, you will end up dragged into it being so close. Where is the babies father? Yours and hers?

You could privately give his school a ring and mention his behaviour outside the school that will give them a bigger picture to work with.

The closer I am to my family, the better and more supported I feel. Her baby’s dad and my her broke when he was 1 after stress and causal relationship problems, the dad then went on to have another kid else where and doesn’t bother with my nephew, she’s doing on her own with no support except the family, (me, our mum & dad) x

My sister is the best mum she can be, she’s finding it hard and she does let him get away with murder, she has recently started doing the naughty chair but think it’s too late to start on now and he just gets up and walks away playing out, she will then threaten to take him to his room if he’s naughty again rather than putting him back on the step. Think she’s trying hard but it’s too late to do so now, he’s already picked up on bad behaviour. Other than the fact she is finding it hard to control him and teach him better behaviour, she is a brilliant mum. She always puts him first no matter what, she always makes sure he’s happy and doing something to keep him busy. Although I do believe she comes round to our mum & dads as often as she does for a bit of a break because maybe it’s harder For her at home on her own with him?
She doesn’t see herself the way other people see his behaviour which is obvious. Where as we see it as misbehaving and unset boundaries , my sister sees it as kids being kids, boys being boisterous... she won’t accept help because she doesn’t believe she needs it, my nephews school has mentioned things to her but she just gets hurt about others thinking she needs help and refuses to believe that she does.

His behaviour is worrying though. Like yesterday we was all sat at the side of the lake, (had wooden fencing around it so the kids was safe), told my little sister “if you go in you won’t be coming back out... don’t go too near it or it’s dangerous” she stayed right away from it, but my nephew? Got a chair from the side put it at the wooden fence and tried to climb over it simply because he was told not too... luckily we seen him stand on the chair, my sister dealt with this by telling him it’s dangerous and If he does it again he will go into his room. We then moved the chairs from where he could see them. It’s just simply tell him not to do something he will do it!

think she’s trying hard but it’s too late to do so now, he’s already picked up on bad behaviour. Other than the fact she is finding it hard to control him and teach him better behaviour, she is a brilliant mum

She's not trying at all by the sounds of things. Children are hard hard work and parents put a lot of time and energy into their kids to teach them good behaviour and manners etc, they don't come programmed knowing the rules of life, they need to be taught.

My bet is that your nephew is absolutely terrified by all the control he's been given, he wants an adult to take the control from him - he's telling his mum this by acting out - he needs help.

It’s just simply tell him not to do something he will do it!

Yes because he wants to see how far he has to go before his useless mother will actually do something and take control. Your sister has now created a situation where everyone else now has to deal with her lack of parenting, your family and now the teachers at his school will have to deal with the behaviours your sister created by not putting boundaries in place for him.

She always puts him first no matter what

Well, no, she doesn't, if she constantly gives in to him, lets him eat whatever he wants and take food from other people, and allows him to threaten her and other people physically. That complete lack of boundaries is doing him no favours whatsoever.

It’s not too late at 4 to turn around bad behaviour. I undertsand she is exhausted. I was a single teen Mum too with two under 4. It’s hard but she is his parent, she has to step up and not run to her parents constantly because she can’t deal with him. She has to get a handle on it and if she needs professional help she needs to go and get it. It won’t fall into her lap, she has to be persistent in order to get any help. If she doesn’t get a handle on him he will be running rings round her and be a terrible addition to society, which she will be responsible for creating. She has to step up!

4yo boy doesn't have sen. He is a normal boy pushing boundaries but being very poorly parented. My 4yo went through this phase for about 3months, but we dealt with it appropriately.
Naughty step is a waste of time and very old fashioned, it doesn't teach kids anything. Try reading 'how to talk so little kids will listen'.
I would suggest you all go on a parenting class, grandparents included.
The example of the boy trying to jump into the lake. Do you think he really would have done it? Depending on the danger level, I may well have called his bluff and ignored his antics.
Or started a new exciting game somewhere else.
It's a bit harsh to write him off as a future scumbag at 4yo with poor parenting from your loving but ineffectual sister.
How about going to a class together to learn some management techniques, pitch it as something for you if sister is reluctant. Then try to implement them together, give strength to your sister.
Your little sister would benefit too.

Saying what you did probably put it in his mind to do it.

I watched an episode of Supernanny where the parents were so wet that they sat in darkness if their pre-schooler forbade them from turning on the lights.

Your sister can turn things around but she needs to be prepared to work hard at it. The child will be livid and kick off but she needs the strength to persevere. She really isn't being the best mum possible.

You can still be supported by your family if you live a few streets away. You need to start being independent and make your own parenting choices without being influenced by your family. You need to build your own social network outside of your family. Meet other young parents and make new friends and make your own decisions.

I watched an episode of Supernanny where the parents were so wet that they sat in darkness if their pre-schooler forbade them from turning on the lights

Pathetic isn't it? I know a little girl who, when she was 5, made all visitors coming to see her new new baby brother, sit out on the stairs - not allowed into the living room...and everyone went along with this.

Your sister has absolutely made a rod for her own back. The result of giving into your child because they keep asking for something is this kind of behaviour. Sadly a lot of parents cause their children to act this way by making empty threats "If you do that one more time, we're going home..." for example. You need to be firm with your child and not fall into the same trap. Don't say something you don't intend on following through with. Don't give in to demands just because they pester, they learn that they will get what they want if they just keep at you. Read Supernanny or watch her videos. Her methods work. You just need to be consistent and your baby won't have these discipline issues.

Of course it's not too late! And yes, he's going to get off of the naughty step. He doesn't want to be there. But the point is you out them back on and restart the timer until they sit there!

she always makes sure he’s happy

Nope, sometimes you need to make your child miserable by saying no to them. That’s what makes you a good parent, not always making sure your child is happy.

"Try reading 'how to talk so little kids will listen'."

I was going to suggest this. it can be a communication thing. saying 'don't do xyz' puts the concept of doing xyz in their minds, because you've vocalised it. saying 'let's sit here on this bench and look at the water from where it's nice and comfy' doesn't give voice to the idea of going in the water. also, saying 'if you go in there you won't be coming back out' sounds a bit like a challenge. there are ways to phrase things to take conflict out of situations.

lastly I agree with the others about living over the road, as in don't. you all sound like you are very on top of each other and over involved. do you think your mum and sister have little discussion sessions about you and your life choices, as you and your mum do about her? because I guarantee you that they will. how does that make you feel? I'd recommend working towards broadening your horizons. having babies at 18 and getting bogged down in all this whose kid did what to whose and who said what about it is no way to live.

My nephew is pretty demanding and naughty and my dc pull this face and see his behaviour and actually react by being extremely good!

Honestly, be clear with dc about your expectations in an age appropriate way and you'll be fine.

Op parenting is hard at the best of times. People compliment me on My daughters behaviour but behind the scenes it is a lot of bloody hard work! She is no angel behind closed doors. I just have to keep plodding on. Most people on here are focusing on your sister but I will address you. You can be an amazing mum if you want and it’s good you are already learning from your sister’s mistakes. You don’t need to live opposite your parents to be supported. Use her mistakes to terrify you into not making the same ones. Go on a parenting course, do some reading.
My sister also leads a chaotic life and it is a nightmare when we visit. Her kids bounce off the walls and jump on sofas etc. Mine has to learn that that isn’t acceptable to me. I have taught her not to even if her cousins do. It is possible. Your sister sounds overwhelmed but you have your own baby now so take a step back.