Hi all,
So this will be a weird post about the wierd work of fate.
My grandad was a friend of mother in law’s mum, and back in the days when grandma in law fell in love and distance was an issue, my grandad who is a merchant went and found her now diceased husband in another country and searched for many days for him (they were both love birds that had war take them apart). Anyway on my grandads journey he was humiliated and imprisoned as he travelled on the ship and roads and crossed borders which had political problems.
Now mil, who is a family friend of my mums ... was facing problems dating. She was facing racism in the country she was in. My father who was married to my mother, in a funny turn out of event ... introduced her to his friend and convinced him of what an amazing lady she is and bla bla ... which my father still thinks. They ended up married. And had their dc, my husband included.
Now few years down the line, my grandad became old and his logic became a bit elderly. My father, faced atrocious human rights against him and suffers from emotional trauma and so behaves unpredictably- some could interpret it as socially incorrect and take offence. However everyone is aware of his ptsd.
During those events the relationship between mil and grandad , father in law and Dad... became a bit distant. Understandably.
Anyhow... I in turn, had tremendous issues dating. Broke up few times with people. I seemed advice from mil who was a occasionally visiting . And my now husband was dating my friends sister- who I introduced him to. In the meanwhile while I was helping him, I got to know him a bit on a personal level.
We were both in relationships and had no interest in each other. We both ended up breaking up our relationships and still had no interest in each other. However, one funny turn out of events and we ended up a bit in love 😂. I did not want to go ahead with the relationship and resisted for a year because I felt the tensions between our families could make things awkward.. . my mil and fil Had a good hand in trying to get things on track .. they also tried to resume their tight friendship with Dad (they had become a bit formal) but dad was in his own world of ptsd and wasn’t interested . But he realised that me and husband were destined together and was nice to my husband and respected parents in law from a distance.
So back to parents in law. Ofcourse At the beginning we had the best relationship with in laws. Since they’re friends first. Despite the distance due to geographic locations , they were good old friends of my parents. However, it quickly turned sour as they know a bit too much about me and when insecurities kicked in for whatever reason, or when they felt uncomfortable by my dad, I found out that they were bringing up my family background quite a lot and it almost seems that they see it as a reflection of my worth as a daughter in law. They keep bringing it up to my husband.
A good relationship turned very sour when I felt that behind closed doors, behind the friendly faces, there was actually huge resentment towards my grandad and my dad by parents in law. Which was understandable to some extent but they lost respect for me as a result. The undermining comments became a bit too much for me to bear. And knowing that my husband was being told these things at every single conversation, made me feel looked down upon.
It hurt so bad that it affected my relationship with parents in law and became very distant. Which they obviously don’t like and are confused by since we were tight.
It’s hard for me to hurt them like this... I did love them dearly as they have been in my life since I was a child, as respected friends of my parents. but I feel they do not realise the effects of their actions on me. Especially that mother in law tries to justify her very condescending and judgemental behaviour in recent years towards me, by referring back to my paternal and grandpaternal history. She has been kind to me in certain ways, genorosity being the main one .. but I can’t help but feel this doesn’t compensate for the disrespect I feel when it comes to her attitude and gossip about my family.
My husband loves my parents, but he also recognises that his mother is annoyed with my father and grandad for good reasons. in my eyes there is never a reason to disrespect someone behind their back but I also understand why she would be annoyed by certain behaviour in more recent years. My parents really respect pil and have no idea what kind of things is being said about them.. but they might have behaved in a way that parents in law consider to be negligent and so that unleashed a whole loads of historic resentment mixed up with jealousy and god it’s awful to have realized so late. I was the unfortunate one to discover..
My husband was caught in the middle for a while and so one day I reminded him how my family deserve his families respect ... and reminded him how he wouldn’t be born if it wasn’t for my grandad and Dad.. sounded cheesy at first but it really did hit a chord and he changed his attitude towards my family in that he no longer lets one or two events define the respect they deserve.
So at times I wonder, whether it is polite at all, to remind my condescending mother in law and father in law, who both retaliated by taking frustrations out on me and putting me down infront of their surroundings.. I wonder if it’s polite to remind her - in a nice way- that she wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for my grandad .. and her beloved son wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for my dad.
I do hope I don’t sound rude.. but I feel my dignity was very much hurt in many ways as I was Definately treated as if they’re too good for me bla bla. I have never had any conversation about my feelings with parents in law as they’re not the type that value feelings and I feel like if I open up my heart they will rip it to shreds.
But I do wish I could go back to have a normal relationship with them for the good of my child and husband ... I want to have a conversation with them but I don’t want to come from a vulnerable position as they keep reminding me of how it is good of them that they convinced their son to marry me.. and I don’t like that they look down at me which I’m very conscious of and I feel if I remind them
Would it be unreasonable if I use it as a conversation starter. Right now I’m very limited contact with them, they know I’m deeply hurt about what they’ve been saying .. I want to air out my feelings so they understand what they put me through. Because they say they loved me and are confused why I’m distant ... but to me it’s unloving to be this hurtful to my feelings ... but I feel perhaps they didn’t know the impact.
However I don’t want to sound weak. I don’t want to sound like pitiful as that will make them look down on me more as they seem to want to do that.
I feel like bringing up the favours of my parents on them, will do just that... show them that I’m airing out my feelings but not because I need their pitty but rather to get them to understand.
Sorry for the long vent.
Would I be unreasonable ? Is that spiteful? I feel like mil will think I’m spitefully putting her in her place but to me I feel it’s simply to set the records straight about how they’re remembering the weakness of my parents and forgetting the huge good staring at their faces.
Anyway,, AIBU??
Don’t hate me