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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset and ask for some advice please?

21 replies

Beaubeagle · 15/08/2018 09:05

My ‘D’M and I have always had a difficult relationship. She’s completely selfish and everything has to be about her. She’s genuinely a horrible person and the things she has said and done to me over the years are absolutely unforgivable. One example of many is when I told her my baby needed urgent heart surgery after we found out he had a disability. She told me ‘maybe it would be better if he didn’t live’. That is the extent of how horrible she is.

Around 18m ago I finally went NC with her. She had come round to my house then started shouting and carrying on about nothing as usual, so I told her to leave. Her parting words to me were (shouting) ‘you’re a little b* and always have been. Good luck with your fancy man’. This was screamed at me in front of my 3 DC and the ‘fancy man’ to whom she was referring is actually my husband. Since then I’ve not contacted her and my life has been so much happier. I don’t want my children involved with her for obvious reasons.

Now to my issue. I divorced from my ExH 4 years ago. It was a horrible time. After 16 years together I found out he was sleeping with a woman at work so I threw him out. The divorce was very messy and during all this my ExH tried to take half of my mother’s home, which I own, in the divorce settlement and also half of her savings. He basically wanted to make her homeless and penniless. ExH didn’t succeed in this but it did cost me a fortune in solicitors fees to fight it. He also did many other horrible things to me that I won’t go into. ExH is still with the OW.

I found out a few months ago that my mother and ExH were in contact and that he had taken the DC round to her house to see her. Obviously I was very upset about this and messaged him asking him not to do this again and gave my perfectly valid reasons behind this.

My DC have just returned from two weeks contact with my ExH and I’ve found out that he took the DC round to see my mother again. I’m so incredibly upset and hurt by this. I don’t want my DC in the presence of someone so disgustingly poisonous. I also don’t understand how my mother could have forgiven my ExH after everything he did to both me and her and I don’t understand what my ExH is getting out of this.

I feel like everyone is conspiring behind my back and I have absolutely no say in what is best for my children. This is actually tearing me apart and I don’t know what to do about it. Is there any way I can stop this happening?

Sorry this is so long and thank you for reading.

OP posts:
ltk · 15/08/2018 09:08

How old are your dc?

FanSpamTastic · 15/08/2018 09:13

Your ExH is doing this to annoy you and distress you. You need to not rise or mention it and if he gets no reaction it will serve no purpose to him. He will get bored and try some other way to irritate you.

You won't be able to stop him taking the children to see her. He can do what he wants on his time. He will only do it if it annoys you. If he does it again just say "thats nice" and kill the conversation dead.

trojanpony · 15/08/2018 09:16

This is awful.
He is doing this to get a reaction.

Your mother is batshit to be entertaining this given he tried to make her homeless.

How old are your children?
Is contact court ordered?

spanishwife · 15/08/2018 09:18

I don't understand how own her home? Yet you are NC with her?

It sounds like a terrible time, but don't feel as though people are conspiring, it's just two nasty people and he knows it would hurt you.

70sShow · 15/08/2018 09:21

There seem to be two issues here.

A fair split of the assets seems acceptable so if you own her home, why shouldn't he get a share?

You don't and shouldn't have a say in what your children's father does with his children when he is looking after them and why should you?

Original poster
Beaubeagle · 15/08/2018 09:36

My DC are 16, 12 (SN) & 7. Contact is court ordered for the younger two.

70sShow I’m not trying to dictate what he does with the DC in his time with them but surely this is different.

Regarding the house, it was sold to me years ago when she remarried as my mother wanted my boys to inherit the property. There is a legal document in place stating that the house cannot be sold until both my mother and her husband are deceased. They have legal rights to stay in the property indefinitely. So whilst I own the property on paper, due to the legal conditions imposed, it is not classed as an asset. Not that it has any bearing on my problem, but seeing as you seem to think I’ve treated my poor ExH unfairly.....

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 15/08/2018 09:41

Why did she name you and not the boys on the legal document if she wanted them to inherit? Didn’t she know married couples split assets 50:50 in most cases when they divorce?

Original poster
Beaubeagle · 15/08/2018 09:46

This was done years ago. No one expected a divorce and it was done before my youngest was born. As I mentioned, it’s not legally an asset due to the legal documents in place. It only becomes an asset in the event of both of their deaths. But that’s not my issue here....

OP posts:
Original poster
Beaubeagle · 15/08/2018 09:48

Thank you to those with the kind, helpful replies. I don’t understand why my ExH is doing this to hurt me though. I have done nothing wrong to him. He chose to leave me with his 3 DC whilst he went off with his OW. All I want is what’s best for my children.

OP posts:
70sShow · 15/08/2018 09:49

"70sShow I’m not trying to dictate what he does with the DC in his time with them"

That's exactly what you're trying to do.

Original poster
Beaubeagle · 15/08/2018 09:57

So because I’m trying to protect my DC from this toxic woman who thinks it’s ok to shout and swear at their mother in front of them, I’m ‘dictating’ what my ExH can do? Really? You sound very bitter 70sShow. Maybe look at the bigger picture before commenting, instead of leaping to my ExH defence.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 15/08/2018 09:58

Are the children asking to see their grandmother?

70sShow · 15/08/2018 10:00

Ah, you're one of those. You ask a question, get a little irate when you don't like the answer and use the word "toxic".

You said, "Is there any way I can stop this happening?" Do you know what dictate means?

Good luck in the future.

OddS0ck · 15/08/2018 10:00

Is it possible that your mother contacted your ex and somehow sold him on the idea that visiting with your children is a great idea? Maybe manipulated things so he felt sorry for her?

So this is another way for her to cause you stress?

I can see why you don't want your children seeing her, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I'd be concerned if your mother was using this time with your children to attempt to make you look unreasonable. Perhaps to build a relationaship with your 16 year old hoping 16 year old will choose to see her independently and the abuse will continue.

These kind of people don't change, the just find a new way of abusing.

If your ex insists on taking the children to see her I would get some legal advice but I wouldn't hold out too much hope of success. In which case grey rock all the way. If either or both of them are wanting to cause you stress, don't let them have any satisfaction.

TJEckleburg · 15/08/2018 10:08

I know it’s not your issue here, but you have got solicitors advice on the house set up? You do realise that it will still form part of her estate for inheritance tax if she is still getting the benefit of living in it

crispysausagerolls · 15/08/2018 10:14

Look, I can see why you are annoyed. And YANBU. However you can’t do anything about it, and the more you complain the happier both parties will be about winding you up. So just say nothing and do nothing. Take a deep breath and accept your children will see DM occasionally, but you never have to. They can’t like each other very much since he tried to take her house, so if you don’t let it bother you it’s likely to run its course.

SuburbanRhonda · 15/08/2018 10:16

Do they like seeing her?

Could you maybe focus on how they feel about it rather than how you feel about it?

Original poster
Beaubeagle · 15/08/2018 10:39

The DC never ask to see her or even mention her. She’s not the lovely little granny type and has never been a big part of their lives. I’m an only child but she’s never made the effort to be a good mother or grandmother. My DC gain nothing from being around her.

OP posts:
Thamesis · 15/08/2018 10:49

You have my sympathy OPFlowers My abusive exh is living with his dad who is a v nasty person. I couldn't stop my ds staying there unless I had evidence of harm to my ds (9). So I have to suck it up.

Ds knows i don't like his grandad and we leave it at that. I've learned to let things go and concentrate on making my home a welcoming loving place for him and my older ds.

Your situation is complicated by fact it involves your mum but unless you can prove harm to your dc I'm not sure you can stop it. It's hard but i think pp advice -
to ignore - is probably best. Explain to them why you don't see your mum and try not to worry too much. They will probably see her for what she is at some stage.

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 15/08/2018 10:59

This sounds very distressing, I would have a word with the older children to make sure they are aware of the whole picture and allow them to come to their own conclusions. Not much can be done otherwise it seems.

SuburbanRhonda · 15/08/2018 11:03

The DC never ask to see her or even mention her.

But you are NC so presumably never speak about her. And maybe they think you’d be angry if they did.

My DC gain nothing from being around her.

You don’t know that but are projecting how you feel about her onto them. Again, maybe they do enjoy their time with her but don’t want to upset you by telling you that.

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