Family dynamics - AIBU?

[BendyBeard]

Dsis has been troubled for as long as I can remember. Lots of friendship issues as a child, out drinking/clubbing as a teen, had a baby at 17. Went from one bad relationship to the next, constant friendship problems and consequent need to move houses. Another child in mid 20’s. In recent years, diagnosed with depression but hasn’t kept up with appointments/medication. So many financial messes over the years which DPs have sorted for her. This is cutting a very long story short.

I tried to be supportive for years, but have found watching the impact on my parents and nephew/niece so hard. So often I’ve had DM ringing in tears, worried about where it will all end. The children have been brought up by my parents really, so their relationship with them is much closer than a normal grandparents/children. Amid all the drama, Dsis has regular periods of ‘getting my life back on track’ during which we all support her and hope for the best, but which have never lasted yet. For balance, in these periods she is remorseful and convincing. She can also be fun, loving and great company. Certainly not all bad.

I and DH now have two children and I feel resentful that, because of how her life has been, Dsis and her children have a much closer relationship with our parents than my family do. Clearly they love us and our DC, but it’s very much an ‘arms length’ relationship. They will look after them to help us out if we ask and appear to enjoy it, but will never offer/ask to see them. They are happy to see us if we suggest going to their house or ask them to come to ours but never actually invite us. Their lives are all about Dsis and her children, and everything/everyone else fits in around. My parents do love us and I know would be so sad to think this is how I feel, but I also know nothing would change, it would just give them something else to worry and feel guilty about.

For his part, DH has become increasingly angry about the situation over the years, particularly since we’ve had the children. He sees it upsets me and is inclined to keep even more of a distance from them all. His sympathy for Dsis is limited - he sees most of her problems as self inflicted and believes my parents have enabled her over the years. It just adds to an already tricky dynamic.

I am reaching a point where I’m considering a move away. We have good friends and family in another part of the country and the DC are young enough that it wouldn’t be a huge upheaval.

AIBU to feel like this? Or am I being childish about it? It’s been going on so long that I hardly know anymore and wanted to get some views on the situation from the outside.

It sounds like your parents are taking on a lot with your sisters children out of necessity and you are a little jealous of a perceived favouritism. Whilst I get the way you feel, you are being unreasonable. If you fell on some rough times they would be there?

I live away from my entire family, I'm not sure how this issue with your parents affects your decision unless you are moving to hurt them? Just move and make sure that you are doing it for the right reasons.

Thanks Disney, I appreciate your thoughts. Yes I’m sure they would help if we fell on hard times - it’s just that it’s been 20+ years of the same cycle with Dsis and it never seems to get any better. I’m often caught in the crossfire when things are bad, with DM crying and saying they can’t take any more from her, and Dsis saying they’re getting it all out of proportion (they aren’t).
A move would certainly not be to hurt them, more to avoid more resentment building. I feel like it might be easier from a distance. (Incidentally, house prices would be much more realistic!)

I’d tell them I’m considering moving and exactly why.

I could have written this post, but with 8 kids (most of which have their own issues including self harming now), several idiotic ex partners and boyfriends, and the fact my Sil is a toxic narcissistic cowbag who fights everyone and holds grandchildren against her parents. So they enable her behaviour to maintain access (even though she wouldn't be able to cope without them, but they won't risk that).

The whole thing is so incredibly sad, and with each new baby I could see that there would be even less time for the other grandkids as SIL concentrated on baby and ignores the rest. I have talked to MIL about it briefly and she always says 'thank goodness for my boys. They are doing alright, I don't need to worry about it.'

I worry the stress of it will give them both another stroke. At their age, they should be relaxing, not picking up the pieces after their daughter.

So, yes, it's absolutely infuriating and in an ideal world, everyone would get along and equal amount of time but life isn't like that. They are muddling along, doing the best that they can, to help the kids who, through no fault of their own, have had a really shitty start to life. I just try to make sure that the kids never notice.

If it’s relevant - one of Dsis children is now a late teen, the other is going into y6.

Yes Monkey - that’s exactly it. DH and I argue about it as he thinks they should have let Dsis fend for herself and stop enabling her behaviour. But had they done that, where would the kids be? They haven’t been able to abandon them to an awful life - it just seems to be never ending for them.
It’s been so hard for them, I know, but I can’t help feeling sad (and yes a bit jealous) on my DCs behalf.
I’m also really angry with Dsis that she has allowed it to happen. She’s having an ‘up’ phase at the moment so we’re all expected to get behind her, again, and brush it all under the carpet.

For his part, DH has become increasingly angry about the situation over the years, particularly since we’ve had the children. He sees it upsets me and is inclined to keep even more of a distance from them all. His sympathy for Dsis is limited - he sees most of her problems as self inflicted and believes my parents have enabled her over the years. Well to a point he right your parents have enabled your sister to carry on with the behaviour which allows her to carry on as she wants and knowing her parents will pick up the pieces.

I would look at moving away to create some distance from her, and I would also tell my parents why you are moving away. Not to make feel guilty about them not having the same relationship with your children as they do with your sister's children but more along the lines of that they need to seriously think about how they are enabling your sister not to deal with her depression by what they are doing/helping your sister every time she has a crisis, because you and your immediate family (DH and DC) will not picking up the slack when something happens to your parents.

DH and I argue about it as he thinks they should have let Dsis fend for herself and stop enabling her behaviour. But had they done that, where would the kids be? They haven’t been able to abandon them to an awful life - it just seems to be never ending for them. Or SS could have stepped in and your sister could have grown up and got the help she needed and got her depression on track years ago and be a happy fully function adult as many other parents do who have a mental health issue and still be good parents to their children.

It is only because you and your parents are using her mental health issue as an excuse as to why she can't help her actions.

So reading your thread so when you parents are no longer here are you going to step in with time and money to sort your sister problems out and take that away from you family and children.

DH is right to try to protect you from Dsis and I can understand his frustration at her continued chaotic & selfish lifestyle.
If you move away, what will really change?
DM will still do what she does for Dsis, she'll still phone you in tears - you'll just be further away & less able to support her.
DH will still be frustrated at the impact that Dsis has on everyone's lives, despite the increased distance. More so perhaps because it will have cost you all so much time, money, energy & emotion to leave.
After 20+ years this supposedly adult woman needs to behave like one & stop leaving such damage behind her. Your poor parents need professional support, not just you taking their understandable tears afterwards.
It's time for some seriously tough love for 'D'sis - I'm sorry but I have no sympathy for her at all.

This ...

So reading your thread so when you parents are no longer here are you going to step in with time and money to sort your sister problems out and take that away from you family and children

Is exactly what DH worries about. No - is the short answer, I’m not prepared to do that, but I know that DH has concerns that I might not be able to walk away. It’s one of the reasons we’re considering a move.

Those who have said they’d tell my DPs what we’re thinking and why. You’re right, I know. I can’t quite bring myself to say it all out loud and upset them. I know I should do it in a measured way, otherwise it might all come out in anger one day!

To a point, I agree with your DH that she’s responsible for her mess, but
I don’t agree they’ve enabled her. Poor MH is a bugger, and it is not uncommon for people to stop medicating for all sorts of reasons. It’s a horrible, insidious disease and can ruin lives as you’ve seen first hand. Poor mental health is not your sister’s fault. But she does have some responsibility for managing it.
Your parents’ priority has to be your Dsis’s children, surely? If she’s not capable of looking after them herself all the time. Even when she’s in in a remorseful period, it must be so unsettling for her children. I’m guessing this is your parents’ primary driver, not enabling your sister. But the latter appears to be a by product of the former.
It sounds as though they have enough on their plate at a time they would have reasonably expected their parenting days would be over. Your poor mum.
The situation does sound incredibly draining for all concerned, so I wouldn’t blame you at all for moving away. You might find your parents actually have a stronger relationship with your children as a result as they would (hopefully) visit and vice verse and have some real quality time with each other.

It must be hard for you and your parents. Do you know why your DSis stops taking her meds? Denial? Has anyone tried to break the cycle/pattern & sat down and said you going off meds leads to a pattern of going downhill etc and you need to address it, as its affecting parents, your children etc? I think someone needs to be firm and say more help is only available if you manage your health issues appropriately.

Also, is it just depression ? Usually if its purely depression taking your meds is something you are able to realise is necessary. But if it's say, bi polar, a common theme is, 'i'm OK at moment, so I'll just stop taking the meds'. (bi polar relative so could write book on no meds 'adventures').

So what will change, except your sister will be contacting you directly instead of your parents. And you will be on the receiving end of her crisis and upset instead of your parents.

Stop arguing with your DH and start working as a team. Work out some strategies with DH to both manage your parents expectations and your sister's. So when your mum rings you in tears about your sisters latest issue, what are you going to say, do. Would be happy to say to your mum that you do not want to talk about your sister and change the conversation to something else.

Do your parents know and understand that you will not step into their shoes when they are to old or when they are gone and your sister will have to just get on with it like you do.

I would tell them how you feel and say you're considering moving to lighten the impact on your family? I can't see this situation getting any better, rather worse actually, as her kids deal with adolescence and potentially repeat history. I'm also the child no one deems it necessary to worry about and as much as I understand my family members being that way, it doesn't help with feeling like collateral damage and the stress from my support system being too busy for me. Do what is best for your family, it sounds like it would be less stressful to put some distance between you, it could also mean your parents visit and spend more time with your kids.

He's jealous a mentally unwell woman gets attention from her own parents? Mountains out of mole hills. Doesn't he have his own relatives to demand attention from?

She did this! She did that! She's the bad guy! Leave her alone and stop being so judgemental.

20+ years of your sister’s MH problems that she refused/couldn’t be bothered/ forgot/ chose not to tackle.

OP, you are a saint. I understand the anger and resentment of you and your DH, it’s not fair if one sibling gets all the attention because they “need” it more while the other has the crumbs.

Move away but please don’t say to your parents you resent them and why. Tell them that you want a quiet life as the situation affects you deeply and has an impact on your family.

Your sister is an adult. Let her sort out her own life and if your parents choose to pick up all the slack of her bad choices just let them.

Enjoy life with your DH and DC, concentrate on them.

💐💐💐

First I can absolutely relate to this. I have a brother who, apart from three years at uni has never left home and has now taken over most of my mum's house. He's rarely held down a job and is very much my mum's focus.

I think it's difficult because even as adults we want our fair share of our parents time and still see parents as people who should be providing for us (although it's no longer money we still want their time and attention).

I think managing expectations really helps. Certainly you wouldn't want to switch lives with your sister and it does sound like there's some underlying issue there (mental health? possibly developmental ASD? ADHD?). Nobody just decides they want to be a mess all their lives.

Now you're an adult maybe try to think more of how you can help your parents rather than the other way around. They're going through a difficult time and are probably overwhelmed with no emotional energy left for anyone else. Try to empathise with their struggle rather than add to it with more demands (even though your demands are just time and attention and usually would be totally reasonable).

I totally understand the resentment you feel towards your sister but remember it's much nicer to be in your position (an emotional support to your parents) than the other way round.

I do get it. My sibling has problems and gets a lot of attention as a result and it winds my other sibling up no end. Similarly, I don't get any attention or support because I'm more 'sorted'. 30 years of it. I've made my peace because he needs that support, I've been that support for some of that time and It's really really hard work. And you don't give up. It's family and that's what families do.

What do you want your parents to do? Stop supporting your sister and her kids? Then what?

What is fair in these situations doesn't always mean equal. Could you try and think of this situation as you being your parents support? I highly doubt they want to be in this situation. I'm sure they would like another 'sorted' child.

Your Parents are doing what parents do and trying to support their child. They aren't enabling, they are having a hard time.

I'd move away and tell my parents exactly why. Your DH is totally correct.

I also wouldn't continue to be a sounding board for the parents' calls/conversations. If they want to enable sister, then they can do it without dragging you into it as well.

That's really tough for you OP and your parents sound really loving.

Can you explain more about your motive for wanting to move? I think moving away because you are resentful is difficult and probably not a good idea. However, moving away because it will be better for your family, kids, lifestyle, finances as well as your emotional wellbeing is great...

I mostly feel sorry for your parents in all of this. Had you been the troubled sibling, I’m sure they’d have helped you in the exact same way. They are obviously very loving parents and aren’t doing this because they prefer your sister in any way. They really do just have a lot on their plates, so much so it won’t be a priority to offer to have your DC. That’s sad too because you are obviously also their child and I’m sure need help sometimes too.

Your parents are very much enabling your sister but I’m sure the alternative isn’t worth thinking about for them (social services involvement, kids possibly being removed temporarily). The upside is her kids are now growing up so it will free up some time for your parents to also see you and your DC.

It sounds very difficult.

However, are you saying that you are basically jealous on your dc's behalf of the attention their cousins get from their grandparents?
Because I do sort of understand that, but if you look at the whole picture what would you really prefer for your dcs?

Stable, dedicated parents and grandparents who love them as grandchildren (but not the super close relationship that comes from stepping in to raise them)?

Or what your sister's DC have?

It is not the norm for grandparents to be so closely involved in raising the dc. It is great that they were able step in when needed, but it is not the "default" iyswim. It may look like your dc are "missing out" if you compare their relationship with the grandparents to what their cousins have, but what your dc have is much closer to the "normal" involvement of grandparents than your nieces/nephews.
Your dc are not missing out if you compare what they have to what the average grandparent/grandchild relationship in this country.

They’re doing their best. Your dm sees you as an equal and your sis as a child who they still have to care for. I’m sure ideally they’d prefer to have the relationship they have with you with their other daughter but she is more needy. I have needy siblings for various reasons; one who has now died and I wouldn’t swap my life for theirs for the increased attention and help that they get. Not for a moment, I’m fully capable thanks and fortunately have no health or mh issues.

I imagine your parents would be hurt by what you’ve said but if it really bothers you then you’ve got to do what’s best for you.

Sorry it’s taken a while to come back but I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who has given advice and opinions, it’s exactly what I needed.

The differing opinions on my sisters situation and how to deal with it are really interesting! I do agree with everyone who has sympathised with my parents - they are doing the best as they see it in really tough circumstances.

I need to think about the move objectively, without letting emotions surrounding this situation get in the way. It would make sense in many ways, especially financially, and DH and I have the kind of jobs which travel. It would mean that mum and dad could come and visit us for weekends etc and would be able to get away from it all. We’d also get some ‘undiluted’ time with them. Plenty to think about ...

Thanks again all - it has helped to write it all down and have some unbiased views!