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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

First ‘step’ holiday

16 replies

EnidsHoliday · 15/08/2018 00:34

I’d love some opinions as to whether IBU or my partner is.

We’re on our first holiday as a family, myself, partner and 9 year old DSD.

She is extremely clingy (I am pregnant so think it is linked a little to that but also she is a little like that anyway). She refuses to make friends with any other children on the resort and follows myself/ DP (more DP) round sulking if we won’t play in the pool with her. She sulks if we don’t eat where she wants for dinner or go back to the room when she is ready. DP doesn’t really discipline her just says he feels in the middle when I get annoyed about it. He also spends so much on buying her adult meals that she doesn’t finish because she ‘doesn’t like’ anything on the kids menu.

She wants us to buy her toys etc that she tires of pretty much immediately and he keeps giving in and buying them (even tho the holiday is being paid by both of us including the spending money).

I just feel like she’s really ungrateful (we’re in Orlando so super expensive once in a lifetime sort of hol) when asked what her fave part of her day was the other day she sulkily replied ‘nothing’

Now my DP isn’t talking to me saying I’m an adult she is a child

I always do what I can to make sure DSD isn’t happy but surely there is a line to drawn as to where you tell her no? I don’t want my baby to be spoilt like that!

Help please x

OP posts:

memaymamo · 15/08/2018 00:48

That sounds really disappointing! You've probably all been looking forward to it for ages too.

Having said that, I have been that step daughter. I sulked and mooched my way through several expensive holidays paid for by my stepfather who really wanted us to be one big happy family. I just felt very confused and emotional and it came out as moodiness (I was a teenager). I cannot imagine how much more the emotions would have been heightened if I were only 9 and a new baby was coming into the mix.

My mother had stern words to me many times when I was outright rude to her husband or was being ungrateful. I was. I needed to be told when I was rude and ungrateful. But I still resented being put in this situation that I didn't choose.

I think your DH is being unreasonable to give into her every time. Especially when it comes to toys. Meals are understandable because kids' meals can be awful. You could suggest sharing dishes if it's getting expensive.

Overall you could calmly suggest to DH that it can be damaging to spoil her and have no boundaries. You can try and be a bit more understanding of where her behaviour might be coming from, especially the clinginess. Poor kid is only 9 and has a lot going on.

Sorry the holiday isn't going as you imagined

playdead · 15/08/2018 00:56

She's 9. She probably just wants her family life to be how it used to be or how she'd prefer it to be.

Being away from home and out of her comfort zone no matter how luxurious won't make a 9 year old happy if she feels unhappy.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 15/08/2018 01:00

I agree she's probably feeling confused and conflicted. And there's so much "stuff" at Disney... all those shops and everything. I can understand why a child being there wants THIS and THAT, etc.

Not to be nasty, but the bit of your post that jumped out at me the most was this:
She sulks if we don’t eat where she wants for dinner or go back to the room when she is ready.

The go back to the room bit. Is that when she's tired and wants to go to bed? If so, don't blame her.

Original poster

EnidsHoliday · 15/08/2018 01:08

Thanks for your input everyone - I think I could be more understanding and I do try but it does become difficult at times

Keepserving - no it’s not when she’s tired it’s when she’s bored because we won’t spend the whole day in the pool/playing table tennis etc with her so it’s not particularly at bed time for example.

I think I just struggle with the seemingly ungratefulness as I grew up with very little money and not a great relationship with my dad so no fancy holidays or toys or what have you and she is such a lucky little thing I just wish she could see that so many children don’t get even half of what she has.

OP posts:

SilverOnToast · 15/08/2018 01:21

I just wish she could see that so many children don’t get even half of what she has.

Her begging for stuff/being ungrateful isn’t about the stuff. It really isn’t. I also grew up with poor parents that couldn’t afford anything, but I never remember wanting stuff either.

Parents (and step-parents) can sometimes give things/stuff/toys/expensive meals when what they are really wanting to show is love. But really what kids want, isn’t material stuff or even fancy holidays. They want attention, presence, support etc. This isn’t to say you’re not already giving her these things, but telling a kid how lucky they are will only cause resentment and no one likes to feel “bought”.

How about, instead of buying her things, you spend the day in the pool with her since it sounds like that’s what she wants?

MaintainTheMolehill · 15/08/2018 01:26

I may be wrong here but what's wrong with playing with her all day? We have 3 kids and when we go on holiday, apart from perhaps an hour a day when we have a rest, we are playing with them or doing something they enjoy.

It's doesn't sound like it's things she's craving, more attention and time she needs?

Original poster

EnidsHoliday · 15/08/2018 01:33

Maintain - we do things with her pretty much all day and evening - it’s if we want the odd rest for half an hour she starts to sulk. :(

OP posts:

headhurtstoomuch · 15/08/2018 01:50

She's lonely. Doesn't matter about the location she wants company. Will you be visiting any of the theme parks? They are big on getting kids involved in the interactive shows etc.

Original poster

EnidsHoliday · 15/08/2018 13:23

Headhurts yes we have been but she won’t get involved or go on any rides, we stayed in the resort yesterday and they had a pool party for under 12s she refused to join in. I just don’t know what to do to please her!

OP posts:

Disfordarkchocolate · 15/08/2018 13:26

For the food issue, ask for a half/small portion of an adult meal. If she's still hungry add a side. I know it's not your main issue but it will remove one stress.

PeridotCricket · 15/08/2018 13:32

Could you possibly take yourself off for a bit of time away to give yourself a bit of perspective? I used to book myself in for a pedicure or massage when went away with DH's kids, and encouraged him to take them on a trip on his own to visit something nearby.

Stop trying to please her is I think the message!

Bekabeech · 15/08/2018 13:32

She wants attention - and probably mainly attention from her Dad. So why not be a grown up and let her have that? Get him to play with her, take her swimming etc.
Some children find it harder than others to make friends. What does she like doing?

Melliegrantfirstlady · 15/08/2018 13:34

We can all look at the reasons behind this behaviour and that is ok.

But it is not ok to allow it to continue.

She sounds like my daughter! Acting like a complete spoiled brat on holiday. It puts a real downer on things when they do this!

Child, step child, friends child - it’s not ok and unacceptable.

I’d be keeping her in the apartment with a book (and adult) and she can sit and do that if she’s bored.

I’ve never heard of a child being bored at Disney.

Overlook her tantrums, let her get on with it and create your own happy memories!

Melliegrantfirstlady · 15/08/2018 13:36

And op you and your dp need to quickly get on the same page re SD otherwise there are going to be many issues along the way!

CanaryFish · 15/08/2018 13:48

I think refusing to join in with other kids is fair enough ,
I remember at that age being signed up for a summer camp on holiday and not knowing anyone - it was awful!! The coordinators then “assigned” two other girls to be my friends for the week and while they were very sweet about it i felt so awkward and like a spare part!!! They never would’ve played with me had they not been told to.
9 is a funny age , a bit younger and she might have no problem going up to a bunch of strange kids and joining in but I think at 9 it can be very daunting .
Really I think in that situation you or her dad need to try and get friendly with other families who might have a similar aged only child but you’re probably thinking “I’m here to relax and have fun - not do networking for a 9 year old!” And that’s understandable too.
I don’t have any good advice I’m afraid - the wanting toys all the time and going back to the house sounds like boredom and the kid probably knows inside it’s wrong to be bored on what’s supposed to be such a great holiday and maybe that’s making her defensive?
The dynamic with your own child will be completely different so I really wouldn’t think about that right now though.

LIZS · 15/08/2018 14:21

She is only 9 , still a little girl and likely to have regressed while away from familiar surroundings. How much time do you each regularly spend with her normally? She is asking for attention but being fobbed off with activities. Not every child enjoys them and she has come away to spend time with her father. To be honest it sounds as if you have harboured lightly unrealistic expectations of a big holiday. What holidays, if any, have you shared successfully before? Has she been involved in planning the trips out so you do as much of what she is choosing than you think she would enjoy.

As to food ask for a half portion of adult meal. US restaurants are usually more accommodating or go for buffet style meals.

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