AIBU to avoid my breastfeeding friend?

[readysetcake]

Just to clarify this is not a post about either way to feed but about my state of mind.

Went to uni with this friend and now live at opposite ends of the country. Not close friends, stay in touch via social media and mutual friends. Her family live in my town so we occasionally see each other and are due to meet Saturday.

We have babies of very similar ages (both number 2). I failed to breastfeed again and it broke my heart again. We’re due to meet on Saturday. My MH is fragile atm and I’m starting to feel anxious at the thought of feeding my baby in front of her. In fact I feel sick at the thought. She’s lovely and I know she wouldn’t judge. Or if she did a little she certainly wouldn't show it. This is all about my own fragile state and avoiding a situation that would make me feel shit. I also have a hard to manage toddler that makes me feel like a shit parent most days.

AIBU to make an excuse and not go as it could set me off. Or should I just brave it out and go see this lovely person?

Please try again to get counselling. are you married or partnered? Can your dh/dp not get on the case for you. Sometimes when we are ill, and depression is an illness, we are not our own best advocates.

Your low mood won't fuck your kids up, but it will make life very hard and if left untreated it may make family life hard for you and for them. Medication may help in the short run. Your dp/dh needs to work with you now to help you. Or if not a parent or friend.

I know you do not feel you have anyone but please do reach out to anyone who is close, fellow mums from mums and toddlers or whatever. You may find that this is much more common than you thought.

Please think carefully, could this friend be someone who could help you? If she could then go for the meeting and try and open up. If not, then just do whatever is best for you.

You are a great mum, you have two lovely kids, challenging yes, but lovely I am sure. My kids are also challenging. I recently got help for dd (birth child) and ds (adopted child) by crying down the phone to post adoption services. I didn't need to fake it, it was how I felt.

I think, you need to find the strength to get help. I think this meeting with your friend is an insignificant feature of life but it has brought these feelings to your attention again. It made you realize how important this issue is for you. Please get someone to get that help with you.

IMHO it really doesn't matter what your friend feels about this, you need need help now. If your friend can help you, great. But if not, please do not worry how she may feel about this. This is about your mental health not about her feelings.

PS I am sure your friend will not judge you but this is really about your own feelings, I am sure you know she will not judge you.

Bf is so so hard. All those mothers that seem to find it easy most likely have not found it easy, and we all muddle our way through the best we can.

Talk to your friend, if it’s the kind of friendship where you can share your ups and downs.

Isolating yourself will only make your mh problems worse. I think you should see your friend.

I BF both my babies for over a year but honestly don't bat an eyelid at any friends or relatives who end up FF for whatever reason. Now my kids are fully weaned and have become the fussiest eaters known to man, I can see that there is a huge over emphasis on BFvFF. What I'm trying to say is keep some perspective on the whole BF thing, it's a relatively tiny part of your child's life and formula is packed with nutrition. As a parent of a vegetable refusing toddler that will only drink squash, cherish the days where you can control what they eat and be sure they're getting all the nutrition and goodness they need.

I know you've got a toddler yourself so don't want this to come across as patronising, but just want to assure you that BFing really isn't necessarily that big of a deal when trying to navigate the childhood nutrition marathon. Don't beat yourself up too much or obsess over it!

Oh, OP. Your post brought tears to my eyes, as I also was unable to breastfeed my two babies, due to tongue tie, low milk supply and other issues. It is heartbreaking, especially when it seems that every other mum you know is able to just whip out a boob and let baby go for it. I’m now pregnant with my third and I probably won’t even try to breastfeed this time - it just hurts too much when it doesn’t work, and interferes with my enjoyment of the newborn stage.
I know it hurts to see friends who are breastfeeding, but if she’s as good a friend as you say, try not to shut her out. Do you feel you can talk to her about it?

Your post made me feel so sad for you. I was in a group of 4 first time mums, who met through an nct group. Out of the 4 we all tried to breastfeed. One baby had a tongue tie and his mum quickly changed to bottles, the second mum had issues and as she was struggling started doing a mixture of pumping, formula and breast before realising feeding her ds herself wasn’t working and switching to formula after a couple of months. The last two continued to breastfeed.

Out of the two one had a lot of milk and loads of energy and the other didn’t. I was one, who didn’t. It may have looked easy from the outside but because I didn’t have plenty of milk or energy I really really struggled. I also have chronic pain and I put myself through a lot to feed my baby. I was too ill to have another child and my pregnancy was incredibly difficult. No way would I have been able go go through that again. Now looking back I do think I should perhaps have let myself formula feed my dd.

If I were your friend I’d hate that you decided not to meet up with me because you couldn’t breastfeed your baby. I know what it is like to be dropped by friends because I’m disabled and chronically ill and it really hurts so I get why you feel like this. Please talk to her. If she’s as lovely as you say she will understand. In actual fact you have nothing to loose because you’ve already decided not to meet up with her so if she rejects you that’s actually fine. Right now what you’re doing is rejecting her before she has a chance to reject you.

Please get therapy / counselling as soon as you are able. Can you afford to pay for it yourself? It’s an investment in your children’s future and right now sounds more important than buying a new dress or going on holiday for example. I’ve had a lot of therapy myself. I wouldn’t be the relatively confident person I am today without it. I used to be an emotional mess. Because of the therapy I’ve had, my daughter is able to benefit from that therapy. She is so incredibly confident and knows her own mind, knows how people should treat her. I didn’t know many of the things she knew at 8 until I was in my 40’s.

As for taking anti depressants. I was prescribed them many years ago then came off them. I’ve since taken them through choice and stopped them through choice. Nothing to be afraid of. If they become a crutch to help you through things until you can get some therapy that’s absolutely great. Some people stay on them forever and that’s also fine. In life it’s whatever works. No ones going to be on their deathbed saying “I wish I’d not taken those anti depressants, which helped me to have such fun with my kids.”

OP I’ve been where you are and your post resonated with me so much. I too felt like a failure because I was unable to bf my baby and felt like everyone was judging. Some did I’m sure, but it’s only with time and hindsight that I realised it didn’t matter. That doesn’t help when you’re in the middle of it though. For me it triggered PND and I also struggled to access any support due to rubbish service provision in my area, so I ended up on antidepressants. Please don’t rule that out as an option. I was on them less than 3 months and they transformed my experience of parenthood, helped me see the wood for the trees around feeding and saved my sanity.

The hardest thing for me was that I didn’t get to make a choice to breastfeed or formula feed. Logically I knew there was nothing wrong with formula, that it was perfectly acceptable and there are actually some upsides, but it was the fact that i felt the choice of how to feed my baby had been taken from me (DD was failure to thrive on breast alone so really no option).

Whether or not you choose to see your friend is only something you can decide. And whether she, or anyone else, judges others for how they feed their babies doesn’t really matter either because you are already your own harshest critic.

Please get some help for how you’re feeling and to process your grief over not being able to breast feed. You deserve to enjoy the baby stage

My changes name says it all. I also couldn't feed mine due to tongue tie and difficult recovery post-birth. I tried for a while and it actually became an obsession during that time. When I finally changed to ff my DD was like a different child, so happy and content in comparison. So even though I know from the evidence in front of my face it was right for us, it hurts like a wound that will never completely heal. I also worried about baby groups where I would have to get a bottle out, and hoped it might look like expressed milk :( very sad to have to feel like that I know. I still find it hard to see happy BFing mums and so I would say you may always find it hard (almost three years on for me).

For me it contributed to mild PND which I never had treated but which got a lot better when I started ff and DD started sleeping properly. If you are still struggling I would try and get some professional support. Otherwise it may just be a case of the passage of time making it feel less significant, as others have said? I already feel it is much less of a thing for me, albeit still something that I ponder on and feel sad about at times.

In terms of your post, I think a true friend will go out of their way to either not say anything so it is a non-subject when you meet up (minimise the whole feeding aspect), or if you want to talk they will be understanding, sympathise and perhaps have their own difficulties to share. I would chat to your friend when you see them so they know how you feel. If you can find the strength to go you are more likely to come away feeling happier, than the feelings that will probably be compounded by not going if that makes sense? Good luck, and stay strong. Your love for your children shines through and that is most important.

Just to add, I agree with mummyofalittledragon it’s such a great investment to have private 1-1 Counselling. There may be counsellors that offer some low cost places (look up the Counselling Directory). You can even ask if you could do fortnightly sessions to reduce cost. The thing is that the NHS tend to offer limited sessions, which doesn’t work for everyone. Low self esteem or anxiety, for instance, are unlikely to be sorted in six sessions! It’s amazing how longer term counselling can enable you to undertake things you never thought possible. There may also be charitable organisations that offer medium length low-cost counselling (up to a year).

I recognise the hiding away thing, but as you acknowledge, it doesn’t really resolve anything and can make you feel even more isolated.

If you really can't talk to her about it and can't face it then cancel, BUT get some help. Don't hide behind this, or let it consume you like this. I felt really awful bf then turning to formula, my beloved midwife was rubbish unfortunately though I met a great HV assistant who was brilliant and made me realise it doesn't matter, she was right too, both kids now are older (6&9) and amazing, they don't even have my mummy didn't bf me properly tattooed anywhere on their bodies either

You have done an amazing thing, brought brand new lives into the world, you've loved and cared for them, kept them clean, warm, thought about them all the time and above all you make them happy and they enjoy their lives - bf pales into insignificance doesn't it