To be upset about how I felt after birth

[Firsttimemum892]

So my baby is 9 months old now and when she was born I was an absolute wreck, I didn’t eat for around two weeks due to anxiety and I couldn’t sleep even when I had the chance to. I didn’t leave the house with her until she was about two months old as I couldn’t face it.

Since my baby was born a good few of my friends and family have gone on to give birth, I gave them all warnings/support of how they might feel in the weeks after as I genuinely believed everybody must feel how I did.

However it turns out everyone else has been completely fine and it’s strangely made me feel like a failure. I thought what I felt was normal but now I have realised it wasn’t and it makes me worried about future births. It might sound silly but I also feel abit like I’ve let my baby down,I feel really upset that the first few weeks of my babies life were shadowed by me being such a mess and jealous when I see how well other mothers get on so quickly. I need to somehow forget this and move on but It’s playing on my mind a lot. Anybody else feel like they didn’t cope when everybody around them did ?

Yes, I felt utterly dreadful after the birth of my first child. I pretended I didn't but inside I just felt terrified and homesick. It did not happen in subsequent births and I went on to have two more children.

I think of it like a hormonal thing that happened TO me now, rather than a failing on my part. Be kind to yourself.

You are not alone nor are you somehow a failure. I warn everyone that they might feel the worst they have ever felt. I did after my first. I adore my children and am a good mother. Now, years later, I can just feel compassion on my past self who endured a terrible birth and postnatal period. Some people are just more fortunate. That’s nice for them and doesn’t undermine the reality for you or me or thousands of others.

Don’t compare yourself. Then have had it easier and you have battled through

Yes, I was like you with my first DS. I had a traumatic birth which ended up in an emergency csection and all I felt was pain. I had moments of anxiety and like you, it seemed like everyone else who had just given birth was in high spirits and completely normal. The tipping point for me was one day when I dragged myself out when DS was about 8 weeks to try make it to a baby group. The morning had been hard work and I got there with hair scraped back, baby sick on my shoulder and absolutely shattered and all the other mums were all glammed up and looking amazing. I felt so inadequate until I saw a mum in the corner who looked like she had had the type of morning I had. We smiled and I realised it wasn’t just me. After that I talked to a friend who admitted she had been similar and had found it tough and that people don’t always tell you the truth or share the times when they felt a little less great.

You’re not the only one, it gets easier and you’re probably doing waaay better than you think. Even now, so many years on I see other pregnant women who appear fine and new mothers who seems to be coping fantastically and I think good for them and also remember appearances can be deceptive.

Sorry to read that. I struggled too after my second baby. I had terrible anxiety which had the effect of putting me to sleep all the time. I felt awful when I tried to interact with her I just lay down and slept.
But each baby’s different and you might feel totally different another time. If not, you could have a plan in place with your gp or peri natal mental health team.

I didn't like/ love my DD until she was about 6 weeks old. Everyone told me about that amazing outpouring of love you get when holding your child for first time. Nope nada, zilch. It's taboo to talk about. In reality if you want to carr for this child in the first few weeks you're doing very nicely regardless of other feelings, but it does make me sad and like I missed out

@kitkatsky that’s exactly the same with me I remember somebody saying “I bet you just stare at her all day” and I thought no I spend all day trying to keep down a glass of water and wanting to run away , those loving feelings thankfully did come eventually but I would never make those comments to a new mother.

I just feel sad that those first weeks were overshadowed and wish I could have them again but I suppose I just need to make the most of her now.

Thanks to everybody else also, your comments have really helped x

Another one here who struggled to adjust when my LO was born. Although some people can take to motherhood like a duck to water I'm betting there are just as many mums like us who didn't. Its completely normal and you haven't let yourself or your baby down whatsoever!

Be kind to yourself x

It took me about 6 weeks to feel competent and a few more weeks on top to feel confident with DC1.

It's hard.

I think
I was actually a bit psychotic after my first, I worried that she had complete control over me ( which i suppose a way she did....), and was totally floored by the lack
Of freedom.
But somehow we got on track, and I was fine after my second.
It’s a very individual thing, and there is not much support available. But don’t give yourself a hard time op.

I feel I did not bond for 18 months after a horrific birth. I so wanted my old life back, luckily the feeling gradually came.
I think I lot of people lie about what they feel as you are expected to have that huge rush of love and to admit you didn’t have that is hard to admit

I suffered a long, traumatic delivery and when my DD was placed in my arms she may as well have been an alien. I didn’t feel any big overwhelming love for her - just a huge burden of responsibility and fear. It was a slightly slower process of falling in love with her which happened over the following weeks. Please don’t be too tough on yourself... you’ll get there together.

I think what you felt is common but the experience is so different for everyone and the extend to which they feel it.

I really struggled for months and cried every day, worried I had ruined my life. Out of the fog three years later I am kinder to past me. It is fucking difficult and you aren't yourself. You mourn the life you lost, you feel bad for feeling anything negative. It's hard!

I quietly and cautiously warn people that it will be hard and can't be explained easily before you get there. And i am surprised when people say it's all great. But not jealous. They will have their own struggles and their journey doesn't change how mine went. Just be understanding with yourself if you can, and don't compare. Comparison is the thief of joy!

I didn't get that hormonal surge of love either.I had a quick birth and then,I was a mum.Didnt feel any different.
I looked after her of course and found that bit easy (I think that made others think I was OK too)but it took a while to really feel much.I wish I had talked to my GP but just got on with it.
So some of us may look as if we're taking to it like a duck to water but underneath we we're paddling like mad trying not to sink.
It gets better.

Homesick is a wonderful description. I felt homesick and lonely. Homesick for my old life.
And I'd wanted a baby since I was 16 years old. I was so excited when I got the positive test.
For me, it was a bad childhood and all the issues that brings, rearing its head. I had to work through that with counselling and medication. But also my baby cried and cried and didn't sleep well.
That baby is now a 12 year old boy, almost as tall as me. Love him to bits. I try not to regret because in a way that hard journey I had has made my bond with him even more special. We are sold such a myth about babyhood, a Pampers advert of beautific smiles and sleeping babies. I would bet a lot of money that for most if not all women, it's not like that all the time.

I was the same with my first child. Motherhood (despite it being planned and in the context of a loving relationship) was an utter shock. I was exhausted, traumatised from the birth and in a constant state of anxiety (and later, boredom and isolation).

I was amazed and resentful and pretty bitter to be honest when none of my friends who subsequently gave birth felt this way.

Time is a healer, to be honest. It’s not a great piece of advice, but it’s true. I also felt completely different after my second child was born (despite an horrific pregnancy). I had that blissful, rush of love, living in a little bubble of love feeling I didn’t have first time around.

All I can say is...don’t be too hard on yourself. People are different. Our circumstances are all different in myriad wsays. Different life experiences hit us differently. You’re not a failure because you found early motherhood tough

You're not alone. Not many people will have the courage to tell you they felt nothing for their kids for ages, but I don't think it's that uncommon. It's such a shock to go from (insert your name here) to (insert DC's name mum) overnight and not get your identity back tot ages. My friend, who is a new mum, summed it up the other day "The problem with becoming a parent is that u have to do it all at once- birth, breastfeeding, sleeplessness/ being someone else..." When you put it that way it's no wonder not everyone has instant love. Promise I would have died for DD from week 6 however tho x

To be honest there’s a part of me that doesn’t believe some people when they say they didn’t feel a bit terrible or have a hard time.

I had a horrific time. I’m really open about it because I felt so lied to and niaive before!

I cried all the time. It was a traumatic birth, she is a jumpy, needy, fretful baby. I love her with all my heart but man it’s tough.

I was hard on myself and tried to go out sooner than I should have. Recovering from a c-section I simply did too much because I thought I had to.

You're not a failure at all. Plenty of people were like you after giving birth - I was a wreck and didn't go out too.

Wasn't a good idea to warn friends though. Everyone is different, some are dancing around a day later!

I’m in tge middle of it right now. DS is five weeks. I can honestly say that at points I’ve thought that this whole thing was s terrible terrible mistake. When he cane out I felt like I was handed an alien. I had no idea what to do with him and I just wanted to run away. Luckily my husband was there and wonderful as I. Was a wreck. Crying and sobbing every day. Thbgs are getting better and I do get glimpses of better times but it’s been far worse than I thought it would be. He doesn’t settle and I’m constantly frustrated it seems. I feel really sad that I’m not enjoying these moments. He is already much bigger and before long these days will be gone. Just wish I could cherish them

Should also say that I feel guilty because I feel like I’ve no ‘excuse’ to feel somewhat detached from my son. I had an extremely straight forward pregnancy and birth. My baby is also a good sleeper and we both get 6hrs sleep usually (broken).he is a bit colicky during the day and hates being put down which causes lots of tears and frustration. Generally however feel like I’ve no grounds to find him difficult or not enjoyable.