I have no idea how to cope with this. *trigger warning sexual assault*

[dontstoplookinginmyeyes]

Sorry. I know not AIBU but I posted in mental health and got no replies and I’m going crazy.

I have named changed but regular poster.
Apologies for the length of this post but I haven't spoken to anyone about this and feel I need to get it out or I will explode.

When I was 19 I was raped. I had been out with some friends and we were at a bar. An older guy who was friend of a friend was being flirty and buying me drinks, despite having a boyfriend I flirted back to get the free drinks. The rest of the night is very hazy but I know I got very drunk very quickly. My friends left me with this guy whilst they went to get food and a taxi and he took me back to his house. I have very vague recollection of what happened but I know I was scared and didn't want to have sex with him. I then blacked out and woke up extremely sore and bleeding and he was asleep so I left and went to my friends house
that I should have been staying with and told her what happened. Her response was that I couldn't be sure as I was drunk and had been very flirty with the guy and I was probably feeling bad as I had cheated on my boyfriend. I was young, vulnerable and if my friend didn't believe me then why should anyone else so I never reported it. I saw this man from a distance a few times but within six months had moved far away from the area.
I initially denied it to myself, making myself believe I had wanted to go through with it and it wasn't until after years of sleeping around and having severe anxiety and depression that I admitted it and was able to work through my mental illness and the rape with medication, support from friends and therapy.
I moved on with my life, I am now in a good job, settled and married and my mental health was well managed.

Two weeks ago someone I know from back where I was living when I was 19 shared a post on facebook. It was a news report about the man who had raped me. He had been jailed for 12 years for a number of rape and sexual assault charges. The first of which was the year after he attacked me and over the next nine years.
My whole world has fallen apart. I did nothing about what happened to me and have spent so long focussing on sorting out myself that I let countless other women be subject to rape and attacks. I feel so unbelievably guilty. It is my fault and I don't know how to live with myself knowing this.

I haven't told anyone irl. I don't want them to know what I have done. How could anyone want to be around me when they know. I don't know what to do or how I can go on knowing this. I have booked in with my GP next week but even if I go what can I say, what can they do? I am overwhelmed and worried I will spiral down and never come out of this.

Seeetheart it’s not your fault. The only person at fault is him. Hopefully someone will come along who can provide better advice.

dontstoplookinginmyeyes you have nothing wrong, none of what happened was your fault.
The police will be expecting other victims to come forward now his conviction has been made public. If you feel able to contact your local police service they will believe you and offer you support.
Speaking to your GP is an excellent place to start.

Call Rape Crisis.

This is not you. He did this terrible thing to you and these other women.

I used to be a Rape Crisis counsellor and so many women find ways to make it their fault. It isn't. Focus on healing yourself. I am so very sorry this happened to you.

Poor you!
The reality?? These attacks are 100% HIS responsibility....

The police are so much better at treating rape survivors now.

He's obviously a prolific offender.

I would consider asking to be interviewed by the police. They're well trained now. I wouldn't read any more coverage.

My bet? He's probably used a very similar MO.

Horrid for you! Please be kind to yourself.

I am so sorry that this awful thing happened to you and that you are reliving this now.
I echoe the pp who said the only person at fault is him.
Please do see your GP and or call Rape Crisis as I am sure that they will be able to put you in touch with someone you can talk to.
If you were my friend I would wish you would tell me so that I could give you a huge hug, and try and comfort and help you.
You are not to blame. Please be kind to yourself.

PS as others have suggested, do contact rape crisis - they're brilliant

It's not your fault. He attacked those women not you. There are professionals out there who can help you.

Good grief, that is a lot for you to carry around. My heart goes out to you OP. But let's be clear, it's not your fault. You are not responsible for that man's actions. You were vulnerable. Argh, I'm so out of depth, I don't know what to say except over and over, it's not your fault.

Would it help to talk to the police? Get it out in the open and on record? Or can you think of someone IRL you could tell? Some counseling? Does your DP know? I think this sort of criminal behaviour that you have been a victim of tends to be a long time in the making. He would've been a very bad man for a long time, deceitful, twisted, violent. You're not responsible my love and I hope you find help soon that gives you peace xxxx

It was not your fault. It was his fault. NOBODY is responsible for a rape except the rapist.

I think you probably would benefit from talking to your GP, or a counsellor, or Rape Crisis, about what happened to you but the blame is his and remains his.

This isn't your fault.

You didn't 'let' him target those other women. His actions are not your responsibility, and it's absolutely not your fault that this man is a despicable predator.

You were so young and it is so difficult to report. This is not your responsibility. Speak to the experts at rape crisis. The system is so difficult.

Forgot to add this link: rapecrisis.org.uk/

What that sicko did is NOT your fault, op.

His actions were not your responsibility-he is a nasty, nasty man. You did what you thought was right at the time and you weren’t the woman you are now-you were practically a child.

Don’t let what he did ruin your present and future life. Don’t let him take your happiness away, once again.

It was not your fault no one on here is blaming you in any way and neither will anyone you choose to tell IRL. I would bet money you are not the only woman he raped who did not report it and you have no way of knowing if any other women reported and there was not enough evidence for a conviction.

Right now you need to focus on yourself and what you need to do to feel better, justice has (at least partly) been done and he is where he belongs so there is no pressure to report now or ever if you don't want to but if you choose to go to the police trust that they will believe you and not blame you.

Hold your head high, the shame belongs to him not you

OP even if you had reported it, you could not have not stopped what happened to the other women.

While I absolutely believe what happened to you was rape, 10 years or so ago the police would have just said you were drunk & there wasn't enough evidence that it wasn't consensual.

The only person who is responsible for those attacks is the rapist.

It's not your fault.

It's. Not. Your. Fault. At. All.

You did not let this happen. He did.

It is not your fault. It is his.

It was not your responsibility to stop him. It was his.

He was the person who chose to cause all of this. Not you.

I get why you feel this way. It's natural and human to feel guilt in a situation like this; blaming yourself gives you back a sense of control whereas blaming him can leave you feeling powerless.

You had reasons for not reporting it at the time. They were valid. You did what you had to do to survive. You could not possibly have known or predicted what would happen in the ensuing years.

Being frank, it looks like the reason he was able to be convicted was because multiple victims had come forward. In all probability even if you had reported it at the time it may never have made it to trial on the basis of your sole testimony, and even if it had he may have been acquitted.

So rather than having stopped him, you could equally have ended up causing yourself even greater devastation and still not have seen him convicted.

You just don't know. Because none of it was actually down to you or within your power to control or change.

If I had written your post, blaming myself, holding myself responsible for the terrible, terrible actions another person had committed, what would you say to me? Would you tell me it was my fault? My responsibility?

I suspect not. Can you try to extend some compassion towards yourself? I think you need and deserve it.

You are not responsible.
The entire responsibility for a rape is with the rapist. Absolutely nobody else.
Take care of yourself.

Firstly I am so sorry you had to go through this :( far too many vile creatures in this world.
You’ve made a start by coming here to talk about it. Your GP will be able to refer to counselling or you could try and self refer do some googling and see what is available in your area. Don’t discount it til you’ve tried it I had counselling for something years ago and was sceptical but it was really very good.
Please stop blaming yourself, you were young and weren’t beloved by a friend it’s no wonder you didn’t do anything about it. Your talking about it now and that’s the main thing

As others have said... not your fault. At. All!!

All the hugs

I was raped at 13 by a 17 year old local lad, I didn’t report it either. 2 years later I found out he had raped at least 3 other girls, 1 before me and 2 after. I felt like you, blamed myself for the ones after me, hated myself for not being brave enough to report it and was pretty much on self destruct for a while.

It affected me for a long time between the guilt over the other girls and my own feelings about the rape itself but I can see now that I had nothing to blame myself for. He was a rapist, an abuser and the only blame, the only guilt is his, not mine and not the other girls he raped. It’s funny, in all that time I spent hating myself for not protecting the 2 others after me it never once occurred to me to blame the 1 before me, because it wasn’t her fault, any more than it was yours or mine.

I don’t know what else to say to you, because this is something you have to work through in your own way and in your own time. All I will say is that you will come out the other side and by then you will know it wasn’t your fault. PM me if you think it would help, you’re not alone

I really feel for you..... a very similar thing happened to me whilst on holiday abroad, except the person also tried to kill me (in a downstairs bar toilet) luckily my friend discovered him and he ran off.
I refused to speak to the police in that country about what happened and totally closed down only reporting it when I returned to the UK the next day.
This was 20 yrs ago and Interpol was virtually non existent.
I now know that was shock and these days I hope they would be able to gently coax it out of someone.
Over the years I’ve had lots of therapy - I still feel very guilty. I’m very sure he’s at least attacked, if not worse other women. I certainly wasn’t his first attack.
However I did the best I could at the time. I was only 18. It’s not our responsibility to try and stop these people.
It’s them that are choosing to do this to people.
It would sometimes help me to write things like:
How do I feel?
Sad and depressed
Why?
Because I feel guilty and ashamed I didn’t report it and help try and stop him
Reality:
I was young, terrified and in shock.
What would I say to a friend:
Be kind, it’s not your fault. Show yourself some love.

Etc etc

Hope that makes sense!

You sound like you’ve done so well, none of it was your fault. This person is and was a manipulative predator with his only goal attacking women

First of all: 
I’m so sorry!


Everything you are feeling is unfortunately a very normal reaction. It’s horrible that survivors of sexual assault often feel responsible. That it’s the victim and not the perpetrator that starts drowning in shame. 
You have nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty of.

Would you be so hard on the #MeToo or #TimesUp victums ? Do you feel anything but sadness and compassion for the victims? Be as kind to yourself as you would be to your best friend. She is not to blame. She was a victim and is a SURVIVOR. The man who did this doesn’t deserve you taking reasonability for him raping. 

You’re an amazing person, who went through the thing all girls fear the most. Then you tried to tell someone and was BLAMED! Of course you start doubting yourself and if anyone else would believe you. Fuck him and fuck your “friends” attitude (straight up fuck her, IMO).



This is not on you! 


It's not your fault, love. Not at all.

You coped the best you could at the time. You didn't deserve it and you weren't responsible for anything he did to you or anyone else.

The rapist is always to blame, end of story.

I had doubts about reporting, but I did (stranger rape). No one was ever caught, however i do hope that at some point in the future dna evidence might result in him being caught. The reality is the most rapists are not single once off events. They rape multiple people.

DNA evidence has solved many sexual crimes in USA in past few years, including historical ones. Hopefully that will be the situation here in UK too.