To stop contact

[galaxy101]

Very long story short here but I'll give as much info as I can without it being identifying and without drip feeding.

So I was with my ex for 3 years, we have a 2 year old son together, for the past year he's had regular (ish) contact which I have helped to facilitate by dropping him off and picking him up etc. Last year we got back together for a few months then it ended, recently he told me he'd met someone and had been with her for around 6 months. Absolutely fine by me. Recently they split, he ended up back in my bed and now he's gone back to her. My own stupidity I know.

Anyway, from doing this I have found out a lot about her which concerns me greatly. She is 18 years old, self harms regularly, threatens suicide, lines up pills to take to overdose, when they argue she grabs a knife (he says to harm herself with), makes wild accusations about people (think rape, abuse), sleeps about and to top it all off, apparently hates me. She also self harmed and laid out tablets with 2 other young children present in the house.

I am now concerned about him having our son at his house, he has told me she's been around our son for the last 4/5 months so there's no doubt in my mind he will continue to have her at his house while he has our son there. This isn't about me being resentful or anything I am genuinely concerned at this girl being anywhere near my child, especially if she knows we've been sleeping together the past week, she hated me anyway so god knows what she thinks now and how is that going to play out with her behaviour towards my son.

Where do I stand with this? I'm thinking to come across kindly and say he can no longer have access at his house and maybe suggest a contact centre? If anything was to happen it would be me social services got onto, intimately I'd be sending him there knowing that he's allowing someone unsafe to be around our son. I feel the risk is too high.

What would you do? And where do I stand with this?

Ultimately ** not intimately

Not a chance would I be sending my DC somewhere they could be exposed to that!

Try to get some evidence of this by text, email etc because he can just deny it all. Contact SS.

I am going to try to get evidence. Just need to be careful how I do it. I did think about contacting SS but then won't there be a record of social services involvement? What can they do?

Anyone??

Could he have contact at grandparents house?

You need to line up evidence if possible and see a solicitor. Sounds like a contact centre would be safest.

You can report what he’s told you to as, every report builds a story, don’t assume someone else has done it already.

He lives with his parents so grandparents house isn't an option....

Can you email and say that in view of the things he's told you about GF (list them), you don't think it is safe or appropriate that she is around your DC.

Say you obviously don't want to stop him seeing your child but need to know what arrangements he will be putting in place to ensure she isn't around when he has DC.

That's the plan, to do a list but I need to do it so that in some way he accepts that what I'm saying is true if that makes sense so that I have proof if he took me to court etc

Have his parents witnessed this behaviour? Can you talk to them?

He doesn’t sound like a very responsible parent. If this lady is really this unstable (which assumes ex is being honest) she is not safe around children and should never be alone with your son. I think you need to speak to social services about your concerns and suggest a contact centre rather than his home.

I don't think they witnessed it but were made aware and spoke to her about it

I think they need to do more. Explain to their son they can’t have her in the house with their grandchild. They could be your advocate in all this.

Explain you don’t want I have to involve social services but you are really concerned.

It won't help, they're as bad as he is. I know he shit will hit the fan when I say he's not having contact at his house anymore but I just can't take the risk. If anything happened and social services got involved, it would be my neck on the line when they ask if I knew. I'd be seen as parent that failed to protect her child. I just won't take the risk.

I would stop contact for a while, unless you can be involved/supervise, or someone that you can trust.

Hopefully this relationship will come to an end.

I would be reporting it, to protect the other two children, as well.

I'm worried that if I report it then my son will have a social services involvement? What will social services do?

They'll investigate her and tell your ex that he needs to safeguard his son and any other children and not have them around her.

They'll also tell you that if you don't feel that you can trust him, then you'll have to withdraw contact on that day.

Galaxy by the sounds of it, your son needs SS involvement. If he is in danger when he’s with his dad, because of the gf’s behaviour, they should be involved.
Take advice from professionals - you can call the nspcc confidentially, who will give you the right advice.

You need to phrase it as part of a conversation, e.g. 'when you said she lines up pills to take an overdose it made me really worried about our ds
Get him to discuss it in a series of texts or emails, ask questions like when did she last do it. Get lots of evidence, then send a formal email with a list.

Can I ask did you know this woman had been around your little one until your ex ended up in your bed?

Well he's due to have him today so I'll wait for the message to make arrangements, say no and then bring up the gfs behaviour. I'll definitely call NSPCC for advice. He informed me about a month ago that he'd met someone and that she had been in contact with our son, I asked how long for and he said the past 4 months.