To be scared of moving to a new country and being a SAHM to 2 under 4

[NicknameMustbeBetween4and30Cha]

We have an opportunity to move country with DS1 (3) and DS2 (1). Safer country, better education standards, better healthcare, more pay. It's a no-brainer to take the kids there. And I actually really want to live there too!

BUT

We currently live just 3 doors down from my mum who helps a lot with childcare while I work 20 hours per week. We go round there other times in the week too to play and have a cuppa. So I (and the kids) see her basically every day.

I'm a bit anxious about suddenly becoming a SAHM to 2 young children with no respite when DH is at work. AIBU? DS2 will soon be in that toddler stage where I have to watch him at all times to make sure he's not climbing the furniture, which I managed ok with DS1 because it was just him! How can I watch both?? And how can I survive without my Mum enabling me to get a cup of tea every now and then??

Can you find out if there is an ex-pat community in the area you are planning? What is their average age, retired or mums like you? Is there a suitable English speaking nursery so you can have a morning or two off? Can you work there?
Are there any restrictions on women driving on their own? Is it generally safe?
Looking after two will come naturally after a while but I’d be more worried about isolation.
Can your mum come & stay easily if you were poorly or broke a bone?

Yanbu to be afraid. Sorry I am sure that's not what you want to hear but it's the truth. It's pretty tough going. Ds was 18 months when we moved and that 1st year was at times relentless, lonely and isolating. Dh who is usually fab was all loved up with his new job and oblivious to my despair and I didn't speak the language well enough to even chat to my neighbours.

On the other hand, the weekends were fabulous. We were like long term tourists and visited loads of new places and it does get better too as you settle and make friends.

Here are some things I wish I had known / done sooner.

My local creche (huge waiting list) couldn't give ds a place as full but were happy to take him for a couple of hours in the afternoon when they were quiet 3-5 which was a life saver for me but also helped ds language.

Expat Facebook group for the area? If there is 1 join and ask about groups and activities. Depending on where you are going there might not be the same provision as the UK.

Be really bold, when you meet people ask for their phone number. Most expats were in the same position at sometime and will be happy to give it.

Be prepared to give it at least a year and good luck. We have been here for 6 years now and love it but it hasn't been easy but then very little worth having actually comes easy

YANBU, I wouldn’t do it with such young DC and I especially wouldn’t do it if it meant I lost my income.

As a SAHM you are incredibly vulnerable if your marriage/relationship breaks down. Slightly less so if married but you would still lose your immediate source of income until the court settlement. Placing yourself in that position in a different country isn’t a very secure option for you or DC. I wouldn’t risk it.

They speak the same language there and we're already a bilingual family, so language shouldn't be an issue. And I'm pretty sure we can find other people from my country too!

I'm really worried about being the sole carer, as bad as that sounds! Mostly because sometimes if I take my eye off DS1 for a second, he falls over or climbs up something and falls off, and I feel so guilty! I'm not naturally good at paying close attention at all times! So how am I going to manage it with two on my own!?

Where is the potential move?

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt...it's totally fine. I was the opposite and had my kids overseas, so have never known anything other that SAHM with 2 close together and zero help. Moving back to U.K. amd seeing my parents once every 8weeks or so, seems a huge luxury 😅

Anyway. You have to figure out a system for life with 2 kids at home, do what works for you.

Having kids makes meeting people much easier. Get out everyday and give everything a go. Rhyme time at the library, free trials of music/sports/painting/sensory/etc class, play centres, swimming, kids sessions at museums, parks, playgroup...you give everything a bash at least once. And get good at chatting, to everyone! As I say, it's easy with kids involved since you can make small talk about the kids. Some people think you're bonkers, but most don't. Invite people out for coffee etc.

You do have to get outside your comfort zone a bit. Putting yourself out there is hard.

Also depends where you're moving to.

Having kids makes meeting people much easier. Get out everyday and give everything a go. Rhyme time at the library, free trials of music/sports/painting/sensory/etc class, play centres, swimming, kids sessions at museums, parks, playgroup...you give everything a bash at least once. And get good at chatting, to everyone! As I say, it's easy with kids involved since you can make small talk about the kids. Some people think you're bonkers, but most don't. Invite people out for coffee etc.

Haha, the thing is that talking to people and "putting myself out there" seems like the easy part to me! Getting two kids in the car and to the play centre all by myself is the hard part! I've always had DH or my mum to help me in the past! I think I'm just being over the top about it.

The move is to Spain. From a country in Central America.

As a SAHM you are incredibly vulnerable if your marriage/relationship breaks down. Slightly less so if married but you would still lose your immediate source of income until the court settlement. Placing yourself in that position in a different country isn’t a very secure option for you or DC. I wouldn’t risk it.

I'm sure everyone says this, but my relationship is very stable and secure. It's not something I'm worried about. Also my career is quite easy to get back into after some time off (creative industry).

Also, my kids' lives and futures will be FAR safer and better there, so there's no way I would say no to be honest.

In a sahm to 2 kids. Similar age gap, although my youngest is only 10 months so not walking yet, which I think makes it easier for now. She’s very mobile though. We are abroad with zero family help. However I’ve lived here since before they were born so I’ve never known any different.

You just get a routine going for getting out and about by yourself. Teach the 3 year old they must have a hand on the car at all times. Or use the buggy for the little one and put them in it first and out of it last so you can always hold on to the older one. It is daunting at first. The trick is usually to go somewhere the older one can play safely and then deal with the smaller one while they’re occupied. Buggy is essential for containment. Get them strapped in first and then get your older one ready to leave.

Also it definitely helps to find friends with kids of similar ages. They will get it and you can all help each other out. So much easier to take your 3 year old to the toilet if you don’t have to bring the little one too. Or the other way round! But you get used to it. A double buggy could potentially be helpful too, depending on your lifestyle

You can do it if you get paid help. I find the ‘I can’t look after my own children without Mum’ attitude slightly strange. But to each their own. I would factor in the cost of a part time nanny into your relocation.

PS I have two kids, lived on 3 continents, thousands of miles from Parents and managed to work both PT and FT.

Also if you can - really try and get them napping (or quiet time if older one doesn’t nap) at the same time. That hour in the afternoon when they are both in their rooms is the only peace I get all day and definitely helps my sanity!

I find the ‘I can’t look after my own children without Mum’ attitude slightly strange. But to each their own

Like I said, I'm aware that I'm being over the top. It's not that I can't, just that the whole thing is daunting, in a new country with no family vs. my entire experience of motherhood so far where I've been surrounded by family who live very close.

Caterina99 thanks very much, those are some good tips!

School starts at 3 in Spain! So, you will largely be down to one child. We lived in the North-West and the soft play areas were a drop off facility not stay with, which also means breaks. Local nursery was amazing, too. I found the whole set up very family focused, so you sit in a cafe - the kids play outside and everyone parents. Lovely way of life.

Could your Mum come over for a good chunk of time in the first year?

We moved to Kuwait 4 years ago (today actually)DD was 4.11 and DS was 2.3. Luckily a couple moved the same time who had a son a year younger than my DS so we hung out together. We went to a mothers and toddlers group for expats that we found and made friends with loads of people there.
My advice would be to look on Facebook for expat mum groups in your new country. Also, get your DH to be proactive in making friends with people in his new job - that's a great source of friendship. It is hard and lonely and there'll be times you just want to chuck the towel in - same as at home but it's magnified when you're not in your own country.

I was a SAHM for a year then started working and we are very settled here now. Good luck on your new adventure

During the week, I am at home with two under four with no help during the day. I then work some of the weekend and some weekday evenings. It’s perfectly fine. In fact, I love it. But, I have to say that, if I had my mum three doors down and if she was as helpful as yours is, I don’t know if there’s much could tempt me away!

As it is, my mum is dead, lived overseas when she was alive and probably wouldn’t have been super hands on as a gp anyway. She died before I fell pregnant with dc1 though, so we’ll never know I guess 🤷‍♀️.

I love moving to new places though, so I think you’re in a lovely position to have the choice between lovely home life and lovely potential home life. Good luck making a decision!

Do it, but tell OH there is a time limit on it. 2 years say.
When you're elderly, I guarantee you'll wish you spent every moment with your DM.
Family far more important than work and money.

Use the extra money to hire a au pair /cleaner/ helper few hours a day.
Hang out at local play parks to meet people with kids. Look for local groups etc. Put older child in nursery

I can't quite get my head around the idea of being anxious of having two kids solo, but I'm not judging.

Based on what you've said previously, I'm assuming you've got one under 1 and one around 2/3. I have 17mths between mine, so practically speaking, things that worked for me were;

Getting into the car. Carry baby, hold toddler hand, put baby in their seat (one handed, still holding toddler - baby seat is rear facing so they're not going to fall onto the floor), walk around car, wrestle toddler into seat, return and fasten baby seat belt. In reverse, the baby is probably in a stroller so you can leave them strapped in while you get the other in. Basically, always have the most mobile child restrained the longest!

Shower. Either do it mega early while husband is still home, or 1 in a playpen (either the eldest to contain them, or the youngest). My eldest went through a phase of watching iPad for the 5mins it takes to shower.

Get them sleeping at the same time. Even now, 1pm is 'in your room and rest time' here. They had stairgates on their rooms at one point to contain them. Bedrooms should be safe so they can play independently for a bit. Get them sleeping, or playing, for an hour at the same time, is an hour to do a few chores/prep dinner/drink coffee. I watched TV and prep dinner 😀

My husband is generally home to put the kids to bed, so I use time them to hoover, tidy the carnage from the day etc.

TV is a wholly acceptable short term babysitter! 20minutes of paw patrol is time for coffee.

Have a routine and a plan for each day. You can organise all the required stuff the night before, then you just need to get up and out.

Meh, I get it. You have got use to the way things are and now they are going to be harder in a way you haven't had to contend with before. That's fair enough, it's not weird.

The good news is by the time the littlest is getting themselves into scrapes the eldest is usually bribeable easier.

Family far more important than work and money

But half the reason we're going is for family! For our kids! We live in a pretty dangerous country, which is reason enough to leave, plus you would have to pay for a private school here (which we can't afford) just to get an education on the same level as Spanish state schools.

Can you take your mum too?!

Haha, I honestly would if I could!

Bear in mind that the toddler stage is temporary and the potential benefits of the move longer term. As people have said, could you hire some help?