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Is this family narcissistic? Please help

14 replies

HappyImleaving · 14/08/2018 11:11

I’m getting divorced and I never got on with his family, and we’re always had problems as husband and wife. I’ve just started researching narcissism and I just wanted someone else’s opinion on this. I’ve always felt something was wrong, but couldn’t put my finger on it. I always got on brilliantly with my ex boyfriends family, and love them to bits. But this family is something else, so here it goes.

Ex husband:
Spends a lot of time getting ready when going out everyday ( doesn’t work of course) we’re talking long baths, perfume, trainers/shoes matching with the clothes. Then would come home and tell me about all the compliments he got from women, and how they tried to flirt with him. The more compliments he got, the more effort he made out of his appearance.

Never takes responsibility for anything, blames everyone else. The children break something in the house, it’s my fault. He’s late for an appointment, it’s someone else’s fault. Abuses people in public, one time he called for a cab, when he arrived the cab driver refused to take us, and said he could only take 4 people. He obviously forgot to mention he had three children when booking the cab, but anyway he called the cab driver a dickhead and other names for refusing to take us.

He lies a lot, and when I challenge him about something, he puts doubts in my head and I feel like I’m going crazy and I question myself after the argument.

Honestly you could give him an pink lady apple, and he would try and convince you that it’s actually an green apple.

After arguing with him I feel like a deflated balloon, exhausted and drained for energy. He calls me every name under the sun, and shouts/screams at me from the top of his lungs. He’s so loud and talks over me all the time, I can’t get a word in sometimes. He is also very controlling.

Couldn’t care less when I’ve just given birth to his child, would bring me home from hospital and go out with his mates. Also when I was ill, he didn’t care and never helped with the kids.

SIL:

She is the worst when it comes to lying, I don’t really speak to her now, because she has lied about me in the past.

She is nice and bubbly when you first meet her, but she will talk about you behind your back. She looks down on other people, and thinks she’s better than everyone else. If you invite her round for dinner, she will talk about how cheap the meat you served her is etc.

She loves talking about herself, and loves telling everyone she meets that she goes on holiday four times a year and she only eats organic. You’d think she’s rich, but no she’s on benefits and works cash in hand. She has maxed out all her credit cards that she got in her fathers name to fund her lifestyle, and is now in debt. She has also shoplifted in the past.

MIL:

She is also known for lying,( honestly it must be in their genes) even if you’ve caught her in a lie, she will hold onto it and never admit she’s wrong.

Also think she’s superior to everyone else, even though she’s on benefits and has never really worked much in her life. She wants the super rich lifestyle, but doesn’t want to do anything for it.

Has dated men in the past for their money. Would break up with them but still ask for money.

Used to do shoplifting with SIL for the money and the “thrill” ( her words)

Would always find faults in me, but her son is perfect.
Honestly she would pick on me for the smallest things, criticise and judge me all the time.

OP posts:
FevertreeLight · 14/08/2018 11:18

Is he gay?

Juells · 14/08/2018 11:21

Why do you care now? You've LTB.

whathappenedtherethen · 14/08/2018 11:21

The first part of the post gives the representation of being a very well off family but then after reading the whole post they all come across as chavs on benefits, typical stereotypes.

And before I get slated for that it do believe people should get benefits to help them, so don't go down that route.

They sound vile. Not narcissistic just vile. Good on you for getting out. The picture of the family in my head is very comedic chavvy!!!

PositiveVibez · 14/08/2018 11:22

Bunch of twats? Definitely yes. Narcs? Hmmm not sure.

longwayoff · 14/08/2018 11:24

What did we used to call sad entitled bastards before narcissism became the description de nos jours? Or are we suddenly knee deep in them? Is this a new development? Actually thinking about rise of the selfie perhaps it is? Hmm.

HappyImleaving · 14/08/2018 12:32

No he's not gay.

OP posts:
glintandglide · 14/08/2018 12:37

Their behaviour sounds narcissistic but I think it’s a stretch to diagnose them
With a personality disorder. Some people are just really horrible people, or not suited to you, and some things like lying are just learned behaviour. I mean if the rest of the family lie constantly he’s hardly going up be any different!

My DH family are somewhat like this. I think what you say about their financial position is interesting- they don’t sound like they’d actually be employable, which makes people like them
Poor, and because they feel so entitled it’s everyone else’s fault. I don’t think that’s particularly unusual

BananaToffo · 14/08/2018 12:56

What do you mean by "narcissistic"? Everyone is narcissistic to some degree or another. Some people are obviously further up their own arses than anyone else - but that doesn't mean they have a personality disorder.

NPD is actually quite a rare diagnosis - although you wouldn't believe that, going by Mumsnet where 100% of exes and 90% of MILs apparently have it.

To answer your question...no.

Clairetree1 · 14/08/2018 13:30

nothing narc there, you just don't like them, I agree with PP, it does sound like xh acts like he is gay

ShumpaLumpa · 14/08/2018 13:31

Your ex sounds narcissistic but I'm not sure I would go that far for MIL and SIL. They just sound selfish and arrogant.

Labels aren't important now (though I can completely understand your need to label him as narc). I did the same with an ex. I think being able to label him as narc helped to say to myself 'see, he was a narc, there was nothing you could have done to salvage the relationship.'

Unfortunately the only way you'd know he was a narc is if he was diagnosed.

So my advice to you is to focus on you and forget about him. Well done for leaving him, he is no longer tor problem. Pity his next target!

Lynne1Cat · 14/08/2018 13:35

None of this matters now - you're divorcing him. If you've got children with him, then converse with him when you have to, and make it only about the children. DON'T ruin things for them by letting them know all these things.

If you haven't got children with him, let it go. Have nothing to do with him ever again.

spidey66 · 14/08/2018 13:45

You can be horrible without a mental health diagnosis you know.

longwayoff · 14/08/2018 14:00

And if they are, what do you plan to do about it?

ThisCannotBe · 14/08/2018 14:19

What makes you think he's gay @fevertreelight @clairetree1?

Lynne1Cat has the best advice for you here OP.

Well done for having the courage to get yourself out of what sounds like a horrible marriage.

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