Coping alone with newborn and toddler

[coffeeforone]

Not really AIBU but should I be this worried about the next 6 months or so.

I'm 34 weeks pregnant with a 2.3 year old toddler. DH will be working away (4 hour flight) for at least the next 6 months. He will have 2 weeks paternity leave, and will be able to come back probably every other weekend at the most. Other than that I will basically be coping on my own. We have absolutely no family support nearby, my parents and family live 7 hour drive away and DH's family live an 8 hour flight away. So I'm just basically looking for tips on how to manage, or if anyone has been in a similar situation? DS1 will go to nursery a couple of days a week, and I'll probably get a cleaner (as an untidy/unclean home really stresses me out). I think it's the nights that worry me the most, then just the constant 24/7, with no one to take over if it gets too much. Hopefully I'm overthinking and all will be ok, but any tips on how to plan/prepare myself would be appreciated!

I had 2, 11 months apart and a 7 yo and DP was working away for most of the first year.

Shit hot routine is your friend, factor in down time during naps/nursery/first hour after they go down. Even if it’s just a bath, a hot cuppa, or a half hour to just stop for a bit.

Cleaner sounds ace I wish I’d thought of that!

Also, lower your standards if it’s tough going. As long as the basics are covered then you’re ok, and prioritise rest for you. And food!

My husband worked away a lot and studied at weekends so there were times it felt like I was a single parent - except the salary and having someone to talk to about the children even if it was by phone.
It settles into a routine. Preparation is key. At least there isn’t a school run in there.
A cleaner is a godsend. A mothers help even more so - someone who’ll clean but also make beds, do laundry, empty dishwasher and also have children whilst you nap/ go shopping / have a bath. I’m friends with ours still. Shed happily push the baby and walk the toddler to do ‘errands’ or to feed ducks whilst I did things that made me feel human again. I’d moved 250 miles when baby was three weeks old so knew literally nobody. She even had the children when I was in labour with the next one.

Where did you find the mother’s helper cherry?

I had a 19 month gap and a dp who was out of the house for 12 hours a day and tbh I found the first 6 more the quite hard. Is your dd in a private nursery? Is thee any chance you could split the time from two full days to maybe one full day and 2 half days? My ds wasn't in any childcare and it made the days pretty long. A few top tips:

• Does your dd have a good, settled routine now? Our ds did and it really helped that he could be put to bed in 5 minutes.

-I spent the second half of my pregnancy picking up cheap, small bits and pieces from charity shops/nct sales, just books and jigsaws and stuff like that so that I could pull something out to amuse him whilst I was feeding dd. -Can you afford and accommodate a big freezer? If you can I would be doing some major batch cooking now. When I was alone to do the evening (dp works away occasionally)I found cooking really hard with a dd who just needed to be held all evening. -Do you have a regular toddler group. I went to a great one with ds and it was a life saver when dd was born as the other mums and cms would hold one if the others needed attention.

I would definitely think about splitting the nursery days, it would mean that you had one day a week with one and then two day where you have the morning with the baby then your dd comes home, nap and most of the day is sorted. Then maybe a toddler group on the fourth day. I would also get a tv in the bedroom . We'be never had one but if I was on my own with a newborn I think i'd be tempted to eat my tea and watch TV in bed from late evening!

Look around for local help now, for example join mum's groups and go to meetings to make new friends before the baby is here, see if you can find a local teenager who could be a cheap "mothers help" after school. SureStart could send you someone for a few hours help once a week. Do you already have friends? Don't be too proud to get the word out that you would be grateful for any support.

I have 3 and I was on a different continent to my UK based family. I had 3 within 5 years. For #'s 2 & 3 I made sure I had lots of practical help lined up because you can always turn people away if you don't need them, but realistically the lack of adult company and adult conversation could drive me nuts. Don't let yourself get lonely or isolated which is easy when they are tiny.

Mine are 14 months apart, and I also have an 8yo, very little support. It is extremely hard. I coped by:

• co-sleeping with a side by side cot. I also breast fed for the first 5 months and if you can do that laying down, that will be excellent for the nights
• making sure all the bottles are sterilised immediately after use so that you have definitely some ready should you need them
• as others have said, it’s all about a routine. If you have one established, the second baby fits straight in without a problem
• do a wash a day
• I’ve got a double buggy but you might find your gap is better with a buggy board, great for getting out. I’ve met a lot of mums at a baby group round the corner and they are fab.

The plus points are that you will worry so much less than the first time round, and completely trust yourself. You’ll be fine!