To wonder WTF I’ve been doing with my life?!

[ghosting]

So firstly, I know that comparison the thief of joy and all that, so I shouldn’t be worrying about this in the first place. But regardless of that, I am!

I was having a conversation with OH, and he was saying that he was proud of what he has achieved so far in life, that he has worked hard to get where he is, and he’s pretty much set up (financially) for the future. He is well travelled, has done a lot with his life and has a good job.

I’m 40. I feel like I’ve done very little with my life, kind of to the point where I feel I’ve wasted so much time. I fucked up at school due to having anorexia, did badly at uni because of being in a horribly abusive relationship, and have a failed marriage behind me. I’ve been in the same job for the past 16 years. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job, but I also feel a bit dull having stuck at a job for so long without doing anything different. I work part time, and would struggle to get a mortgage based on my current wages.

I’ve got 2 kids who are my absolute world, and I guess they would be my biggest achievement in life.

I’m struggling to get myself sorted financially after my marriage ended as my EA stbxh was a complete knob over money.

I’ve travelled a bit, but not loads. I never seem to have time to do anything semi productive like reading, I always seem to be sorting kids or tidying the house!

Maybe I just feel as though OH has his life so much more together and sorted than me. I feel like I’m floundering around, struggling to get my shit together, when he has already done that with his life.

I don’t want this to sound like a “woe is me” post, because that’s not how I feel about it and it’s not my intention for it to come across like that. But I do wonder how others have achieved so much, when I feel like I have achieved so little!

How are your finances? Could you afford some private counselling/ therapy to talk this through?

I can relate to this. I love my life and my kids but I had my first quite young and have missed out on a lot because of the financial problems that caused and subsequent bad marriage.
Good news is that it's never too late. I also know that there are people out there with seemingly fabulous lives - lovely house, amazing holidays, great jobs etc that would kill for what I have so I try to count my blessings.
What would you do if things were different?

I’ve felt like this a lot of my life - in my case self esteem issues and being brought up with parents who had very high (unreasonable) expectations of us
One of my closest friends who sadly died a few years ago used to remind me to keep looking how far I’d come in terms of achievements
In my case things like getting out of an abusive relationship, overcoming disordered eating, improving my general mental health, being a fabulous lone parent, volunteering for various charities etc
Try and reframe your own achievements - I am sure there are many - great career and lots of money are not the only measures of success
Celebrate how far you’ve come - sometimes surviving itself is an achievement

So you’ve:
Beaten anorexia
Survived abuse
Have had the courage to be happy in a loving marriage
Have 2 beautiful chn
And inspire of this have had a job for 16 yrs to provide

Depends how you see it! Seems like you’ve done a lot 😃

In spite of this

I can relate to this too but you have very valid reasons, as do I:

Eating disorders 13-25
Volatile household
Abusive sister resulting in me leaving home at 16
Messed up private education
Consequently no Uni
String of emotionally abusive relationships

However... I am now 37 and almost finished a degree, have a lovely daughter and am getting back on track. Some of us take a different path and that's ok

I don’t think you need counselling How many of these ‘suggestions’ are made by counsellors?

I assume you have a CV?it is time to update it. Write a CV for yourself that includes the achievements that GandTthankyou included in her post. I am sure you can think of more examples.

What GrandThankYou said! You have achieved more than most people. Hold your head up, think about what you want to do next and go and get it. You sound like you could do anything.

You’ve lived your life. We’re not all going to win a Nobel prize. What’s the point of ‘achieving’, you do what you do and move on to the next thing.

The purpose of life is to be as happy as you can doing things you enjoy within the constraints you’re dealing with?

Is your OH doing his fair share of housework and looking after the kids? If not that might be worth a conversation - it could give you back more time to yourself! But for what it’s worth, a happy relationship and lovely kids doesn’t sound like a wasted life to me

It's all in how you look at it.

You say you have achieved nothing significant in 40 years and yet your opening post says you have:

Overcome a serious eating disorder.
Survived and abusive relationship and still got a degree.
Survived an abusive marriage and still moved on to find a better one.
Had two children, not one but two.
Held down a job for a long time through major economic downturns.
Been to other countries and seen first hand their culture.

You are, in general, happy. Which is the biggest thing in itself. You may be a bit down at the moment, but if your life and your determination and drive is anything to go by from your op, it's only temporary.

And that's just the stuff I remember from your OP. I have no doubt there is more if you really sat and thought about it.

You have been through the mill and yet are still going.

Pick any one of those things you've mentioned, and there will be someone, somewhere wishing they were you.

You've achieved a hell of a lot more than a lot of people, you've just lost sight of it, that's all.

I will also echo previous posters in terms of what you have achieved. I have a friend currently who is really struggling to hold a job down. She's a lovely lady but she honestly just cannot hold down a job! Her last jobs have ended for various reasons but all down to her (poor time management etc)

What I'm trying to say is that even holding down a job for 16 years is an AMAZING achievement, it means you must have been constantly adapted to your employers changing needs (all jobs change over time and some employees just can't keep up) this means you are adaptable. It means stability for you and your family not just now but in the future, I'm making assumptions here, but I'm guessing you must be building a steady pension pot after 16 years

So I'm going off on one a bit, focusing on just one of your points but my main aim is for you to see that you HAVE achieved so much in just that one simple point of holding down a job for 16 years, honestly people struggle with just that, let alone all the other things you have achieved.
Chin up and you have every right to hold your head up high and be proud of yourself xx

The biggest achievement in life is finding contentment. Being happy with yourself and your life. You don't need to run a marathon on visit different countries. You might find contentment in cooking your child's favourite meal, or growing your own tomatoes, or sitting looking out the window watching the birds.

You said it yourself OP. Comparison is the thief of joy.
Instead of comparing up, try comparing down. Look at your life against that of millions of women in the third world. They’d give their right arm for your life! Imagine going through FGM, denied an education, being forcibly married at 12 to a 60 year old, of walking miles a day carrying heavy water canisters while pregnant, never having enough food, no health care, etc.
All of us in the West are hugely, unimaginably privileged and lucky in our lives. And yes, there’s always someone who’s done more, or is richer, or who trumpets their achievements on FB or whatever.
But that shouldn’t matter to you. You’re living your life, not theirs.
Use your time and energy to do the best you can with the life you’ve been given. And maybe that could include helping the millions who don’t have half your money or achievements or happiness!
Finally - God loves each of us, whether we have achieved or not. We are all special to Him, including you. You need do nothing to impress Him, except to be a loving human being.
God bless.

Your life doesn't sound that bad to me.

You've survived an eating disorder
You have a home to live in
You've held down a job for 16 years, that's pretty amazing
You've created and looked after two small humans

I'd say you're doing ok.

It's unhelpful to compare our lives to others there will always be people more or less fortunate than ourselves.

So your OH works 50 hrs a week, and you work less. That's why he is more 'successful'. You look after kids and home though... Not a fair comparison

You've had experience that OH hasn't had. There's nothing like experiencing an abusive relationship or a mental health issue for helping you to understand others in the same situation - that's valuable experience that has been denied to OH.

His apparent success sounds as if it's in a large part down to you taking care of his outside works stuff - looking after his house, raising his children.

And you sound as if you've achieved a better work-life balance than him.

Can I tell u what my dh said to me a few years ago when I was going through the same problem

He sat me down, looked me straight in the eye and told me he considered raising our dd was the most important thing we would ever do.

He has a very successful career, is very respected in his field and well paid. Yes he enjoys his job and likes the kudos, but said he can only go to work and give it his all because he knows there is no one better than me to look after our dd. When all is said and done, we will look back on our lives and it will be our daughter who will have bought us most joy.

I know he was trying to big me up and restore my confidence, but he was fundamentally right. Ever since then I kept that thought and it has made me realise that my role is as important as anyone else’s.

No one has ever had the following engraved on their headstone”wish I had spent more time in the office”

I can relate to this. I'm only 23 but I just feel like my life is going nowhere. I have a 2yo, a house that I cant sell and a decent job which Is ok.

Just feel like ill be stuck in the same house with the same job indefinitely, while everyone else is moving, holidaying in far flung destinations, driving amazing cars and getting amazing jobs.

Its silly because I don't even think a nice car or one amazing holiday would make me feel better. I just feel like "is this it"

I love my son, but also because I work full time feel like im failing him because im never there.

What would you do if things were different?

That’s such a good question. Aside from making different decisions in my past (which I won’t even consider, because I can’t go back, and I wouldn’t have my two amazing kids if I did, so I wouldn’t change the past, even if I could), I guess I would like to feel more “adult” and sorted than I do. I do have a long term plan, which is to buy a house and start my own business alongside my current job, so perhaps I am just being a little impatient that I’m not where I want to be yet. I know I need to sow the seeds now for the future. I can’t skip this stage to get to the next bit!

The purpose of life is to be as happy as you can doing things you enjoy within the constraints you’re dealing with?

Yes, I agree with this.

And I know I have come through some difficult stuff, but few people know about those problems, so perhaps it’s that I have very little “visible” stuff to show for what I might have achieved/overcome.

Thanks for the suggestion for writing a list of my achievements, I’ll definitely do that.

I realised that in my marriage, I basically sacrificed my life for that of my husband. I spent 14 years supporting him and his career. His career, studying and extra curricular stuff took priority, and my career and life came second to all of that. I did do some of my own stuff in that time, but it was mostly spent ensuring the house/kids were looked after so he could focus on himself and his career. I guess the advantage of that relationship being over is that firstly I can prioritise my own needs and goals (and those of the kids, obvs), and I can make sure I never fret into that position again because I’ve learnt such a lot from it.

Pick any one of those things you've mentioned, and there will be someone, somewhere wishing they were you

Thank you for reminding me of this. And this...

Use your time and energy to do the best you can with the life you’ve been given