Is DH being unreasonable because I got pi**ed with no notice?

[AfternoonTeaIsLovely]

I posted last week as our dog was put to sleep as a result of an unexpected ailment. I've really struggled which has surprised me (no larger pets previously).

I rarely drink as I still BF my 4 year old for bed and she likes to sleep in with me (though DH will sleep in her room svereal times a week to give me a full sleep).

On Saturday night I felt like I needed we wine and I drank 3/4 of a bottle. No dramas and he took over with our daughter in her room.

On Sunday night my BIL and SIL(who is now my best friend) came round with their 5 year old daughter. The girls were playing and I was enjoying the company of ILs so O offered SIL a glass of wine but explained it would be strong as I had to put Peach Shnapps in it as it's not nice wine. I drank mine fast and made us a second drink. I was feeling good, having a laugh and I needed this as obviously still struggling with grief. At 9pm me and BIL wanted food so 'sent' DH and BIL to get pizza and to get some lemonade and cola to drink Shnapps and vodka. All in all I drank 2 strong mixed wines and a glass of Shnapps with lemonade. I was drunk but would have seemed 'more drunk' because I was happy and having a laugh. They left at around 11pm and I went to bed on my phone for a bit. He popped to give me a kiss and say goodnight.

This morning he was annoyed with me saying I just 'didnt care' about my kids and him and just got drunk. I didn't 'ask if he mined' or let him know. My arguement is that I didn't need to, he was there and I was just going with the flow, it was one of those fun unplanned nights. He made comments about forcing my SIL to drink (which she has since said that of course I didn't force her) and how my BIL had wanted to go because he had work to do (again SIL is straight talking and said BIL enjoyed the night no complaints).

So I just don't get what hubby's problem was? There was no drama and I have never had an issue with stopping drinking and calling it a night. I didn't do or say anything embrassing.

Hubby rarely drinks because if he gets drunk he usually ends up in a fight/defending someone and getting arrested but we do take it in turns at friends gatherings etc. I drink less than I used to before my daughter was born (and I have an older son who has been to many gatherings where I have drank and he likes how I am when I drink because he finds me funny and I let him buy stuff on his Xbox haha so it's not like I am a 'bad drunk'.

I'm just not sure what his problem REALLY is as this whole 'respecting him' thing isn't true to what he's usually like - laid back and he has a much better social life than me so it's usually me left alone looking after kids when he goes out to do hobbies (which is fine as I can do what I want in this respect too if I choose to). It's obvious there is some reason behind the way he was and I just don't think it's because the drinking was unexpected given that it rare. He's always belittled me over drinking at home if I did it a few times a week he would mock that I was an alcoholic. He even said today that 'I want to be this great mum with a great home to show off' as if my drinking last night stopped these things.

Eurgh anyone any ideas?

Sounds like you are a bit out of synch with each other; as in you were a bit drunk and he was sober, you have very separate sleeping arrangements.
Maybe you just need to make time for each other/ have a night out together and reconnect a bit. Maybe he just feels very disconnected from you?
(I don't mean that in an insulting way - just that it's easy to become quite separate and a bit resentful towards each other when you have small children.)

I'm an ex-drinker because I'm a dram/trauma queen on it. Since I've been sober 6 years) I can't stand it if anyone has more than a very small amount. It changes people and what seems jolly and happy to the person drinking is just boring and silly to the person not drinking. You are not BU at all but you did it 2 nights on the trot and he probably just felt a bit impatient. No judgement, just explaining that's how it feels to a non drinker.

Nothing bad happened and nobody died. He needs to lighten up

Does he ever normally have to be the main one in charge of your daughter? Or is this very rare? Does he feel put upon for having to "babysit" the kids while the ladies had a drink?

I'm not sure about the rest of it but putting schnapps in wine to make it drinkable is definitely unreasonable. If it's not nice don't drink it, it's the kind of thing teenagers and students do. It sounds like drinking to get drink rather than just enjoying a few drinks. That's an issue if you've drunk for two days in a row to deal with losing your pet, it's using alcohol as a coping mechanism and that's not healthy, especially at you're not usually a drinker.

*drinking to get drunk

Your husband is definitely unreasonable. You didn't even drink that much tbh. And you certainly don't need to ask permission to have a drink! Hes not your daddy.

It sounds like you don't drink very often so i cant understand why he reacted the way he did.

You need to have a conversation with him to get to the root of why you having a good time bothers him so much.

I’d say it is about time you and your husband slept in the same bed!! DD is old enough to be sleeping without one of you and to be BF - what happens when she starts school?! As for the rest, all sounds like excuses, if you wanted to get drunk then fine, but I think your husband had a point.

I'm sober tonight and feeling better day by day. I'd been heavy in grief, it's not my usual way of dealing with things and I just needed to let loose, it's done now. I only had wine and schnapps(but no lemonade) and wanted to be drunk. It was the type of wine that's ok but tastes vinegary after a while. I appreciate what you are saying re: the drinking but it was just letting off steam and it helped.

We share childcare, he has her plenty of times alone or will take over if I'm busy (or even being lazy!) so I don't think it's the childcare thing. I think @violets17 is probably on the right track because if DD was as good as my DS was when he was 4, we could both have a drink knowing he rarely woke at night (and our families live near by in case of driving emergencies plus one of us would always stay tipsy if the other was drunk). I think if he could, he would have had a small drink and not cares. So I'm thinking it's a weird jealousy thing plus not liking me drunk when he's sober.

@yummumto3girls

I’d say it is about time you and your husband slept in the same bed!! DD is old enough to be sleeping without one of you and to be BF - what happens when she starts school?

In what respect? The BF? It's only evening and morning, like some children still have a dummy. She's never been a good sleeper, hoping when she starts school she will be more tired and sleep better.

Also, our sleeping arrangements don't cause any issues for us as a couple generally. We settle her and leave her alone for the evening then join her when we go to sleep, or move her. It's not really the issue here, just a bit of background

Has your OH had a problem with a parent who drank too much when he was growing up?

I'm a bit concerned about your husband not drinking much because when he does "he gets arrested"... !!!

Anyway you defintely need to get your 4 year old in her own bed, she is old enough to spend the night in her bed. I agree that you and hubby sound disconnected.

I don't think there's anything wrong with having a few drinks and getting merry, but it sounds like you had more to drink Sunday than you realised (sending out for vodka/schnapps and mixers!). Again that's fine but it's crap dealing with some one who's pissed when you're sober. Poor dh had to put me to bed on Friday... I only had a couple of glasses of wine but had only had a small salad for tea so was rat arsed.

I have nothing helpful to say about your husband, but I am really, really sorry about your dog.

@welshmist

Nope nothing like that in his life! His parents have drank socially on a Friday evening as long as he can remember but no trauma with it.

Yes, the arrest thing.

A few years ago he took Whiskey to a works Xmas lunch party. I had to stalk him around town to try and get him to come home. Insteas he bizarrely wanted to fight his Uncle who he saw out (with no issues between them). He later got arrested for laying someone onto the floor (literalky just picking them up and laying them down like
a child going to bed!) because they were shouting in his face but tempers flared and police were passing. The next time he went on his brothers stag night and punched someone who was trying to start a fight with his younger, less stocky looking brother - again arrested. So he stopped going 'out out' after those two events around 6 years ago. When he drinks with family/friends he doesn't get violent but he hasn't been full on drunk for years however as stated he has a very busy social life with hobbies so it's not the way he catches up with friends whereas my friends and I catch up at BBQs and pub quizzes (and non boozy lunches/breakfasts and family days out).

Thank you @Weepatchesoflove it was so sudden and unexpected, completely knocked me for six, I even had to phone pet beareavement helpline! I'm getting there now though, have had an incredible vet nurse liaise with me to assist with the after arrangements and answer all my 'what if' questions and fully explain the diagnosis and why PTS was the best option.