To think surely I’m not the only one..

[saturdaynightgin]

..whose toddler dislikes them?

Every morning when DD (2.5) wakes up she calls for daddy. Every morning I go in to her (DP works shifts so isn’t always here) and she shouts go away/no not you/I don’t like you/where’s my daddy?

When I leave for work, she refuses to say goodbye or give me a kiss/high five, unless I drop her off at nursey, which is twice a week.

When I pick her up from nursery/my parents, they comment on how well behaved she’s been all day. But within a few minutes of my arriving, she starts having tantrums and lashes out at me. I’ve ended up with black eyes, scratches, cut lips, and today she pulled a clump of my hair out.

Every time she acts out like this, I tell her how sad I feel, and if she’s lashing out I will restrain her. If she doesn’t apologise I explain that I’m going to sit elsewhere and leave the room until she calms down and comes to find me.

Most of the time she apologises, but I think it’s simply because she’s been told by someone else to say sorry.

Please tell me this is just a phase and I’m not the only one with a child who seems to dislike them so much? It’s really starting to get to me and I’ve had more than a few quiet cries to myself at night

No you aren't the only one. We went through a long long phase of this, looking back I can see that DH was preferred because he was around much less but when he was he got to be 'Fun dad'. I dealt with all the discipline and boring daily routine.

Now, it's my my DC turns to when they are ill or have something important to talk about and I feel much more valued and therefore chilled about it but it was so so tough going through it.

My DD was like this to a degree, I got headbutted, screaming, tantrums and vileness while Daddy got greeted like a celebrity when he came home from work. It’s very wearing.

Used to find if she was poorl or ill it was me she wanted. It’s probably just a phase, but phases like this feel like they last much longer than they do in reality. Chin up OP, it will pass in time.

*poorly or hurt that should have read

Thank you both for replying. DP and I spend equal amounts of time with DD, together and separately, and share the ‘bad’ things such as discipline and daily routine. When she’s ill, she usually want DP or my mum, I’m quite low down the list of people she asks for. I’m hoping it is just a phase and doesn’t last too long.

You need help to manage her violence. This is not normal or ok.

The preference for one parent or another is. I've been the wanted and unwanted one at different times with both our children. It fluctuated hour by hour and although there was preference, it wasn't actively not wanting one parent.

What does your husband say about this?

Had this with dd1 at same age, so did my sister with her ds1. Not as much violence admittedly but the other behaviours. In both my sister and my own case it was a phase albeit an upsetting one and we now have respectively lovely 6 and 12 year olds who are affectionate and loving. Hang in there!

My lovely aunt who is a HV said it is because they are so secure with you they can let out their "bad" feelings on the one person they know they can absolutely trust

I think 2.5 is too young to understand an apology and for it to have any meaning. I also think leaving the room isn't an approach I would take. If anything you need to show her that while it's unacceptable you love her despite the violence. I'm surprised a 2 yo can give you a black eye though! Make sure you keep her nails very short so she does try to scratch it isn't too bad.

I think it might help you to read No Bad Kids or Peaceful Parents Happy Children. She loves you. I know how hurtful it can be though.

The parent "preference" thing is very normal at this stage, and is generally just a phase. I remember my DSis refusing to go to or talk to my DF for a good year or two at that age. They do grow out of it, so try not to worry. We still tease her about it occasionally, and she's an adult now.

As everyone else has said, it's perfectly normal.

In terms of dealing with it, I'd just give absolutely no reaction to any of it, repeatedly, every time she does it.

You're ostensibly asking for an apology for the lashing out, but really it's for your hurt feelings (understandably!) - but she is simply too young to get this.

Expecting her to calm down (in your absence), and then come and find you (to apologise) also feels way too advanced an expectation for her age.

I'd just give her absolutely no reaction. No telling off, no walking away, just completely ignoring it - ride it out until it subsides. This sort of thing is to get a reaction, even if it's a negative one.

No reaction will soon make it seem pointless, and it doesn't feel quite as much as if you're turning your back on her, when she may well really need you.

IME, rewarding - or at least acknowledging - all good behaviour, and just completely ignoring bad behaviour is remarkably effective.

summer DP isn’t happy with her behaviour and will try and stop her/tell her off

Kerala I think it’s the violence that bothers me the most. I could probably cope with the favouritism on its own

MLM I’ve resorted to leaving the room now because she seems to calm down a lot quicker when I’m not there - there’s always someone else in the room (DP or my parents). As for the black eye, I’m sure she has super human strength - she broke our TV screen by throwing a soft plastic bottle at it!

medium I think I could probably cope with this if she wasn’t so violent towards me

dowager I tried not reacting for a while, and just holding her arms/legs away from me, but on one occasion she threw herself backwards and hurt herself, which upset me even more, which is why I started walking away. I will try to go back to just restraining again. She always does calm down a lot quicker when I’ve left the room. As I said to a PP, there’s always someone else in the room with her and they are the ones that tell her to come and say sorry - I didn’t explain it very well in my OP.

I know how sweet and kind DD can be because she only seems to act like this when there are other people around. Of course she has tantrums when we’re alone, but they’re normal, toddler tantrums with no extreme violence. I just don’t understand where it’s all coming from

Are you sure that your partner and mum aren't some way encouraging her by the way they react? I obviously do not mean intentionally, but by not understanding the right and wrong way? If I were you I'd be looking into some kind of expert help or reading up in it. It doesn't sound normal, the violence is a huge worry. I speak as a parent with a son who gets very frustrated and angry and has lashed out but I've never had a black eye or broken furniture.

Obviously not a professional but dd and her friends were at times hideous at 2 including whacking parents and each other and are now polite respectful lovely tweens

She sounds angry. She seeks continuity and stability. Bless her.

The preference thing is typical 2yo behaviour.

Ignore- it will pass.

The violence is more worrying.

I'm sure it's a phase. My ds is like this about my dh in some things, he will tantrum and scream if dh gives him a bath, reads his bedtime story or goes in to get him in the morning. He will scream for me and only calm down when I go. However he does go through phases of only wanting dh for certain things, for example, cleaning his teeth. He seems to play us off against each other.

Discover your silly side and be more playful and daft. Lots of attention when good or saying hello or goodbye. Be in a great mood and let your mood carry her.

Walk off with bad behaviour. Low and no attention. Don’t push for a sorry as it’s creating drama. When
Calm briefly help her understand and tell her about being kind or whatever. Then go back to normal fun.

Best stop Restraining. It’s not working. Walk away immediately. She can she your upset and gets attention that way. Walk away and don’t get upset.

My dd went through a stage of hitting me when she was a toddler. I was the preferred parent at the time so it might have been the case that she felt safe to let her feelings out with me.

I was at the end of my tether so had a chat with the lovely manager at dd's nursery. She said that attention was so valued by little ones that depriving them of attention was the most effective punishment and advised just to say "we don't hit" (or something similar) in a firm voice and then to walk away and ignore for as long as it took to make a cup of tea.

If you walk away, but there are other adults in the room then you need to talk to them in advance and work out a joint plan of action so that she isn't rewarded by their attention (good or bad) after hurting you.

Thanks for all your suggestions. We’re due to move in with my parents in the next few weeks (new house not ready yet) so I definitely need to sit down with them and DP to discuss how to improve. I know she doesn’t mean it and is just acting out, but it’s hard to remember that at times

I think she's looking for you to set boundaries. Children find boundaries reassuring. I wouldn't be leaving the room, she wants you with her, she wants you to stop her hitting you even if that prolongs it. Her feelings scare her, she wants to know her mum is strong enough to handle them because she's too little to control them.

I find this blog really helpful: www.janetlansbury.com/2012/09/biting-hitting-kicking-and-other-challenging-toddler-behavior/

Nope!

DS is 20 months and I'm currently at home on adoption leave with him. He wants me for his bedtime, but the rest of the time it's "daddeeeeee, daddeeeeeeee". DH walks into the room and it's like Father Christmas himself has made an appearance! He can say mummy, but chooses not to. DADDY is said with such excitement though.

Big change from 6 months ago when he wouldn't let his dad anywhere near him, so I'm not really complaining would be nice to have some enthusiasm when he sees me, but I guess he sees me all the time! Hoping the enthusiasm comes when I go back to work.