Am I being unreasonable to expect some physical contact?

[Musicforthemasses18]

I have been with my partner for 18 years and I’m not happy with him at all. It’s basically like living with a housemate that I don’t particularly get on with. There is no physical contact at all- no kissing, no hugging, no sex. I have tried even to initiate a hug/ affection but get nothing back. I am 45 so don’t feel old and just feel sad/lonely. It’s really getting to me.
Whenever I talk to people about it, the response is generally that as we have been together for so long- that’s what happens. But I don’t believe I should be condemned to the next 30 years of this. I am miserable- I see people who are affectionate and it makes me so sad. To add to it, he’s very antisocial so I do a lot by myself socially too.
We have 2 kids and have had counselling but it didn’t seem to make any difference.
I think a lot about being with another man who actually shows me some affection.
Aibu to despair at living like this? I feel so empty and sad.

Hello music. I posted something not identical but not dissimilar recently. I don’t believe it’s normal. I don’t believe that it’s typical. What I do believe is that only you can decide whether it is acceptable or not.

If you are truly unhappy and you get nothing from your relationship, then you know where that leads - although you must also face up to the fact that divorce or singledom or even attempts at infidelity don’t necessarily bring any of the stuff that you are lacking.

It’s sad innit. Strength to you 💪

Thanks @spl0ink- it just feels so grim. Part of me would rather be alone with the possibility of meeting someone new rather than live with this emptiness

I genuinely would recommend that you try counselling (together). It sounds as though you at least are not happy with the relationship as it is now, and tbh, if there's no physical contact at all, it's hard to imagine how he is either. But it's worth seeing whether that's something you can resolve before just walking away.

OP my situation with H was similar- we were still having sex- but no physical/touching out with that, no kissing (pne or two at the start of sex but then nothing), no hugs, no compliments, no real interest in me.......he also said "we've been together over 20 years, that's life"......he didn't seem to have the same problem with the OW and now we have split up. It was going on for years and I tried to get him to do more but it never worked. I ended up really resentful and with low self esteem (he had no problem being complimentary to friend's partners, flirty with other women etc) and it ate away at me. If he's is not prepared to try/change, then I don't think he will make you happy and I totally get what you describe as an empty feeling. I am 53 now and wish I had left years ago.

Thanks @bridget and @salt- have tried counselling and didn’t really get anywhere. He’s quite emotionally closed too (for some reason it didn’t bother me before as he was a stable nice guy) but it’s just all crucifying me now. I feel like I have woken up and it’s no longer acceptable to me.

We were in a very similar position, although we ended up like friends who lived together. We didn’t dislike each other, there was just no spark.

We’ve since separated and co-parent as close friends. Ex-H is married again. I’m happily single with a “friend”.

I don’t think resigning yourself to a life of no intimacy is healthy OP.

Try and discuss it with him

@Music No it's not normal, it must be very frustrating and upsetting. I'm 42 and will have been with my husband 19 years in November. We are still very physically affectionate, sex life is less frequent than it could be but we hug every day. Sorry not trying to rub it in but to clarify your feeling that it doesn't have to be the way you are finding it. Would he agree to counselling? Or does he think you're making a fuss over nothing?

It sounds incredibly hard.
We all have different things that we need in a relationship, he doesn’t need what you need.
But where you go from that I don’t know. Think about therapy together, if that doesn’t work then essentially you’re mismatched.
Personally I couldn’t live with someone who didn’t want to be emotionally connected to me, I would rather be on my own. And I’ve been in that type of relationship

And sorry! I read my post back and it sounds quite harsh! But it’s not meant that way.
We only have one life. I guess that’s an age old adage. But it’s true