To be upset DH got cross with me in front of parents?

[amioverreactingnow]

My DH has always been wonderful, he’s kind and caring, good tempered etc. I felt we had a relatively equal and good relationship and was really really happy. I worked longer hours but we earnt equally and everyone has said we are brilliant together. We don’t have any financial stresses while I’m on maternity as we are ok on his salary with disposable left over, plus I have savings and we have help from my family. DH is going through a difficult time at the moment with work and illness in the family so I do understand him finding things very hard although we’d always supported each other before

Since we’ve had our baby I feel like everything has changed. He is often snappy with me and I feel like he implies I’m not doing enough round the house (although maybe I’m projecting as I feel guilty - he often cooks dinner but I do all babycare including evening, nights and weekends. He sometimes hoovers but I do all the housework otherwise and shopping, I’ve never seen him do the washing or clean the bathroom for example but that’s ok because he works in the week). I often feel like I’m walking on egg shells because although he’s never abusive or anything like that he does get grumpy and snap a lot and it upsets me because I don’t understand what’s changed. We still have regular sex and I care about my appearance, back to my pre pregnancy weight etc and I try to make sure he feels included as I know it’s a big change for him.

To cut a long story short, today I asked for his help with something as I totally forgot what with preparing for parents visit and the baby being grumpy this morning. He’d finished work early and it was a small thing, no big deal, but not very well organised on my part. In the old days he’d have just laughed and done it but today he kept saying “fucks sake” in front of my parents, slammed a door and said I was showing him up. He’s gone out now and there’s a bit of an atmosphere

I just feel gutted and unsure how to react as I don’t want to be doormat but I’ve never needed to think about it before. On the other hand maybe I’m being dramatic because I know couples bicker all the time and he’s really not that bad! Everyone who knows us would think I was mad if I said he was upsetting me

I just don’t know where it’s come from or what to say when he gets back. Help!

He isn't kind, caring and good tempered. He's behaving like a twat.

Yes, he is stressed. I imagine you're stressed too, doing all the childcare and most of everything else. Being stressed is not an excuse to treat someone so badly.

Pull him up on this behaviour. Speak to your parents.

Have you talked to him about it properly? If it’s out of character then you need to get to the root of it quickly.

FWIW he sounds like he’s having trouble with the balance in the relationship shifting and the baby taking precedence.

Is he the sort of man who needs lots of attention and ego stroking to keep him happy? Men like that tend to act hideously if someone else is perceived to be ‘top dog’ or the centre of attention.

Weirdly no, he’s not that kind of guy, he’s pretty relaxed. We always chat about his work etc as well, not just the baby

I have tried to talk to him about it before and he’s said he didn’t realise he was being like it. Objectively I don’t think I’m being oversensitive because of hormones, lack of sleep etc, but it does take the wind out of my sails quite easily when he’s acting like that at the moment as I’m trying really hard!

I don’t know what to say to him later but he’s in now and I’m upstairs and he hasn’t come up or anything.

Wait til his parents arrive and then ask him to explain precisely what made him think that muttering "Fucks sake" in front of your parents before slamming out of the house was acceptable behaviour.

OK, talk to him now and ask him.. but he really isn't behaving in a reasonable manner at all! It might just take on of those horridly intense 'we need to sit down and talk' evenings.

But you need to work it out now before this sets the pattern for you next 30+ years of life!

I’d say

‘Yesterday I felt intimidated and embarrassed by your behaviour. I will not be in a relationship with a man who can not control his temper and makes me feel that way”

It’s not a one off is it. He is now making you walk on eggshells and blame yourself when you have done fuck all wrong.

That’s bullying.

I couldn’t be with a bully - even if he was nice most of the time - because that’s what abusers do - nice/nasty/nice/nasty because it keeps you in a state of unsure what to do or do or self blame.

Do not let this go

Seems to me that it's all about keeping him happy. Who's keeping you happy? Your parents will be worried.

If it's truly out of character, which it sounds very much like it is then I think a more compassionate approach would be appropriate to start. It sounds like he is struggling right now.

Maybe just be honest. Tell him you feel like you both aren't coping as you normally would and ask him how he feels about it. Don't accuse, don't bring up behaviours, just keep it based on how you feel. That you feel worried there seems to be more bickering between you, that you are worried he seems more stressed and you want to work it out.

Yes, he's being rude but if it's totally out of character I think he deserves the chance to respond. If he fails to be open about it then I think you have to go more tough love. Pull him up on it and make him look the fool he is being... "Sorry, did you just swear at me? Maybe I misheard?", "Sorry, are you saying I don't do enough around the house, shall I tell you about my day?"

He sounds horrible, or at least his new self sounds horrible!

tell him you are becoming quite worried by his temper issue, ask him how he plans to address it?
And then tell him he never gets to throw a tantrum like that in front of other people as you will not apologise for him, and you will not be shown up by such immature behavior.

He doesn't sound good tempered or kind
He sounds like an immature knob

Men can get post partum depression too so maybe on top of his other issues, that could also be a factor.

He showed himself up. He doesn't sound very nice.

It’s not unusual for new parents to default to their parents’ behaviours when they were new parents. Is this a possibility? Perhaps your MIL was a traditional housewife and your FIL took on the breadwinner role.

It may be your DH is simply struggling to adapt to the new normal and is feeling under pressure being the only wage earner at the moment (perhaps his job is at risk and he hasn’t told you).

Have you had a break away without your baby yet? Or at least an evening out just the two of you? Is that possible? Sometimes new parents need to remind themselves they are also in an adult relationship.

I agree with a PP who said he may be struggling with the new relationship dynamic since you’ve had the baby. Communication is key and making sure you still have the chance to do things as a couple , eg date nights. Don’t accept the behaviour change , but try and understand it and work together to make the relationship thrive

Everybody's being the voice of sweet reason here. I'm afraid I'd be furious at being shown up in front of other people, and I'd nail him to the wall! ( And I'm quite a mild mannered person normally; but I wouldn't let him get away with that!)

I'd be absolutely furious if DH acted like that in front of other people. You are definitely not BU to be bothered by this. I guess you need figure out why the change has come about.

Something isn't right with him, he doesn't sound very caring and loving to me from how you've described him, not to mention the fact he's treating you like the hired help.

Why on earth should you do everything for the baby and around the house?

Time for a big chat OP.

Thank you all for your advice. It really is out of character, and we’ve been together and known each other and family for a long time.

I went down to talk to him and he’s broken down and said he thinks he might be depressed. He’s a blokey bloke and this won’t have been easy for him to admit to. He said that he was worried about telling me because he felt that he should be grateful to have me and beautiful DC. I said that it doesn’t mean for a minute that he doesn’t love us both and we will work through it

We’re going to chat more in just a moment.

I never thought I’d post one of these threads on mumsnet but it goes to show we were at breaking point

I’m glad I spoke frankly rather than flying off the handle or acting passive aggressively, thank you for the suggestions for what to say

I’m glad you’ve been able to talk and that this thread has been helpful.

Try to be kind to each other. Becoming parents is a massive thing. As long as you can be honest and open with each other you can cope with most of what life will chuck at you. Good luck!

Good luck op. Depression is a horrible illness

Wow OP, but amazing that he’s admitted the issue and you can work through it together.

Incidentally I did say that earlier wasn’t ok and he agreed

It’s just where to go from here really that feels like unknown territory. I have lots of ideas but I don’t want to be too directive as I don’t think that will help

I think he needs to apologise to your parents (and you). It’s completely unacceptable to say for fucks sake in front of them, as a PP said they will be worried.

He needs to go to his GP and explain how he is feeling. Most importantly you need to tell him that his admitting to this is the first step in his getting better and he has to keep talking. Look at the Mind website and read up on what support is available, he may consider counselling. Very best of luck to all of you.