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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL’s priorities are weird!

44 replies

Homescapes · 13/08/2018 15:25

A conversation with MIL revealed that she prioritises holidays and “stuff” (clothes, hairdressers etc.) over education. I was 😲. (PILs think us paying for private education is a waste of money.)

The conversation went further and SIL announced she thinks what you look like is more important than health 😳. To be fair, she has never been really ill even though she is in her 40s but even so...

My list was in this order:
Health
Homelife inc. house, food, car, clothes
Education
Fun money (holidays and “stuff” including hobbies, better car etc.)
Looks (designer clothes, Botox, hair, nails...)

MIL’s list was:
Health
Looks (she means her weight more than anything)
Homelife
Fun money
Education

What’s your list? I thought mine was normal!

OP posts:

RedSkyLastNight · 13/08/2018 16:11

I think education is important. But I don't pay for private school because I also value days out and holidays and going to the theatre and occasionally buying newthings and eating out. which are equally an important part of a childs education. And I can't afford both.
I had parents who thought paying for education came above all else. That was pretty miserable.

BrokenWing · 13/08/2018 16:14

Health (physical and mental wellbeing)
Home (roof over head)
Happiness
Education / Job

Fun and looks are entertwined with 1 and 3 and not separate. education is 4 th but doesn't mean it isn't a priority.

DarlingNikita · 13/08/2018 16:23

I'd prioritise almost anything over private education.

Flippetydip · 13/08/2018 16:26

I value education enormously and am extremely grateful that we live in a country where my children benefit from amazing, FREE, education.

If we paid for education we could do nothing else at all - in fact I'm not sure we could afford even if we gave up eating.

So, I do value education, but I wouldn't leave myself completely short on everything else to pay for it. And yes, I'm kind of with your PILs - I think paying for private education is a waste of money too, but that said, I'm lucky enough to live near a great school and my children aren't yet in secondary education.

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 13/08/2018 16:38

We don’t pay for healthcare or education. My financial priorities are

Housing
Food
Fun

DanielCraigsUnderpants · 13/08/2018 16:40

I value education and learning highly. But not private education. I'd put holidays and other more "frivolous" stuff in front of that because I am happy with the quality of state education.

IMissGin · 13/08/2018 16:46

See education is a priority for me, but I wouldn’t pay for it. Because my children get an excellent standard of education for free.

I think you’re confusing things that you can spend money on and things that you can’t.

Health is top of my list but I can’t buy it.
Education is next but I don’t feel the need to buy that.

So actually my list is:
Home
Financial security
Clothes/haircuts etc
Travel & experiences
Stuff & fun
Health (I do have private health care but I’d give it up if I had to)
Education (because I won’t pay for it)

Breadsticksandhummus · 13/08/2018 16:49

PILs think us paying for private education is a waste of money

I agree with her.

DH and I could afford to send DS to private school. We choose not to. There are 100,000 things I think are more important.

Breadsticksandhummus · 13/08/2018 16:50

Posted that without RTFT but very heartened to see that others agree with me!

Breadsticksandhummus · 13/08/2018 16:54

I also don't think that going to university should be the done standard thing that every single child should aspire to. It's not the right path for everyone. My brother for example did an apprenticeship with the civil service because he wanted to get on and earn some money - he's done really well and is now earning more than I am despite my three years at university AND the fact I'm older than him.

Half the problem is that society doesn't value jobs which don't require a university degree, and then the other half of the problem is that too many people go to university these days instead of learning on the job. Things like TV production are a bloody degree now, when the best way to actually learn anything like that is to learn on the job.

I work in comms and the amount of people who come to us with a degree in communications and PR but with no actual experience of either is frankly shocking. I'd hire someone with the experience over the degree every single time.

Bit off tangent there, but you get my drift.

HollowTalk · 13/08/2018 16:55

Education's massively important to me, but I would rather spend money on moving to an area where the schools are better than spend it on private education.

Aaaahfuck · 13/08/2018 17:07

Op I would pretty much agree with you in terms of priorities. I'm not keen on private education but massively value education and have gone without in the past to pay for post grad study.

I get what people are saying about letting people have their own priorities but it also seems that they are very judgemental vase on appearance and outward signs if wealth like holidays and clothes. I think it's fair enough to say that someone's priorities seem odd to you.

Obviously your priorities are yours based on your beliefs. There's a point where their priorities are not just different but a bit conflicting. Which seems to be happening a bit here. Just watch out mil doesn't try to persuade your kids away from uni or staying in at school!

haribosmarties · 13/08/2018 17:08

Jut because you might think private school is a waste of money does not mean you dont value education. Many people believe that bright kids can do well pretty much anywhere... and that as long as your state school is a reasonably good school its the attitude at home towards learning that is the most important thing in regards to a childs success.
Its not always something you need to spend that much money on.

And is spending money on something really a good indicator of its value to you?
I mean id probably financially prioritise going on holiday over expensive food.... but I still NEED food dont I? And reasonably healthy food... so you couldnt really say its not something I value. If it was between not eating at all and travelling then of course the food would come first. But if its a case of Waitrose V Asda.. im quite happy to shop at Asda if it means I can go abroad that year.

Same with education for my children I suppose... If I were very wealthy then id consider private... but the lengths id have to go to to afford the fees as things stand... id have to make sacrifices im not willing to make, like never going on holiday for example.... and I dont personally think private school is worth that.
I went to one of the most expensive schools in the UK and im certainly no success story!! Its no guarantee your kids will do well or be happy... so if youd have to make many sacrifices to pay for it well I just think thats a bit silly. Better to just find a good state school and encourage their learning with your attitude etc

GrumpyOldMare · 13/08/2018 17:15

A job is my first priority
2nd - rent/food/bills
3rd - books
4th - comfy shoes
As long as those are met,I'm happy. I don't do holidays,would rather stay home.

lackingimagination · 13/08/2018 17:16

Like many others I’m sure, if we had DCs we could afford to put them through private school if we went without holidays, luxuries, expensive clothes/treats etc. but we would never dream of doing that. And that’s essentially what you’re insinuating isn’t it? As not many people in this world could do all of that.

Zebra31 · 13/08/2018 17:18

DDs education (I would sacrifice most things to ensure DD gets the best education I can afford)
Health
Home
Hobbies

upsideup · 13/08/2018 17:20

My kids do have a private education but I would prioritise creating fun experiances for them so their hobbies and travelling over private school same with homelife.
In some ways I would also prioritise looks over education as I would rather be and rather my children were confident and happy with themselves than well educated.
So probably
Health
Fun
Homelife
Looks
Education

notacooldad · 13/08/2018 17:23

Priorities change over a lifetime, although I see you say that MIL never valued education. Horses for courses I guess!

Mine is to have lots of savings. I feel twitchy if I haven't got at least 2 years salary saved which leads on to health. I value how my health. You can't always control health which is way I like to have savings, if in case anything bad happens I know I have a reasonable reserve.
My next priority is travelling. I have a long weekend every month and 3 x 2 week holidays a year. I may not always have my health to do this so I do it now.
My family are a priority but they are adults now and doing their own thing which is good. However when they were younger they were the top priority.

My manager has different priorities. She lives in a rented house and has no pension, very few possessions and little savings but feels she can move on if she becomes unhappy.

Havabiscuit · 13/08/2018 17:28

We did pay privately for kids education but we still had holidays. I suppose they would have been much more exotic if we had had an unlimited budget. I think my list the same as yours op

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