Are my expectations too high?

[Quiddichcup]

I'm a single parent, and have been one for a very long time. Dd hardly sees her dad now , mostly due to distance. She's gone up to see him for almost 3 weeks - I'm now one week in.

My family all know this. Not one of them has offered me any time , not pop over or a dinner invite. Nothing. We all live within a mile of each other. For context if my brothers wife goes out for the day mum has been known to invite my brother over so he isn't on his own.... dinner cooked and left overs sent home.

Last time my brother went away with work mum told me to text his wife to make sure she was ok on her own. I brought it up that no one does the same to me- apparently it's different.

Mum doesn't like to be on her own and make a a big deal if her husband goes out for the day.

So, I brought it up with her last night and she went nuts at me, said I was out of order and selfish and needed to get over myself.

I don't think I am but am now reflecting on if my expectations of people are too high.

I dont know where to start.

You have offended her. You could have said "I am feeling lonely eating dinner with out DC, do you want to come join me tonight?".

Enjoy your free time.

If family genuinely treat you unfairly on other occassions too then pulling them up on it won't help, they'll just dig their heels in.

Hope you find some nice things to do over the next few weeks

Three weeks from hardly seeing him feels like a long time. How old is she?
You sound a bit needy but also lonely. Are there friends you could see? Your family aren’t responsible for your social life and happiness. Maybe instead of accusing them of neglect you could have called and said you were at a lose end and asked if you could visit for supper - or offered to cook and invited them around?

Do you see your family when you have your DD? If not, they might just have adjusted to this as normal. Or they might think you’re only using them when you have nothing better to do?

I don’t know. Loneliness is awful. Can you meet up with any friends or go to the gym?

You will get through the next few weeks but I feel for you.

I'm not lonely, more I'm alone.

Friends are flakey and I don't have too many of them as I have a lack of free time.

I didn't come straight out and accuse them, I said something along the lines of not having seen anyone, I can't remember exactly how I worded it.

We do usually see family when dd is about too- it's certainly not using them!

No, I hope you haven’t taken what I said the wrong way - I’m certain you aren’t using them. Just I know certain members of my family feel they are only used for babysitting etc and I wondered if that was the case here - it seems not.

I know how it feels to not feel like your family makes you a priority. From what you’ve said I don’t think you are being unreasonable to have expected to see your family during the three weeks.

On the rare occasion mum has been on her own to just a day, I've invited her over for lunch etc.

I feel hurt because to me it seems that no one thinks of my feelings. I think mum actually didn't think- she said to me that dd didn't go until x and I said yes, that was a whole week ago.

When your sil goes away, do you think your mum invites your brother over because she thinks the poor lamb won't be able to fend for himself and make a meal, whereas she sees you as a lot more capable? So she just hasn't thought of the company part of it, more that you don't need her (practical) help?

(Not suggesting your brother is incapable by the way, just suggesting your mum may believe so as there is a certain generation who think that cooking is not a man's job...)

I think that because you're a LP, your mum thinks of you as being capable and independent so doesn't worry about you being on your own.

She doesn't necessarily care for you less than your brother and SIL, but does worry about them being able to cope. Maybe she projects her own feelings onto them (You said that she doesn't like to be on her own).

In a way it's flattering that she has a high opinion of you and your capabilities.

Having said all that, the way she spoke to you after mentioned it to her was incredibly rude. YNBU to be upset by that.

Why didn't you organise some things to do rather than waiting for someone to offer? So strange when people don't ask/suggest what they want then get pissy that it hasn't been suggested by others.

Strange reaction from your mum. I think it's understandable that you would feel hurt. Did you mention that she invites DB when his wife is away or sends food?

Does your mum always treat your DB better than you?

I don't think YABU tbh. I would be quite hurt too if my mum never invites me over, yet frequently inviting my sibling.

Do they know your DD would be away for 3 weeks? Did you perhaps make any plans?

Iknowwho- I didn't organise anything because I spend my whole life being the organiser of everything. All the time. I also wasn't too bothered until Saturday when it started to get to me that no one actually gave a shit.

It is probably something to do with thinking I'm capable, which I am- that's not to say that 3 weeks on your own when you are used to having sole responsibility for your child, is not tough. Because it is.

Hmm. So because DB is a man and couldn't possibly cook or look after himself DM steps in but because you're self sufficient and organised you don't seem to matter?

It's more about the company and being thought of rather than someone actually making your dinner I expect OP. How have things been left with your mum now?

Well she got all shouty, dd was video calling me so I said i had to go and explained why. And that's it.

Haven't heard a thing since.

Leave her to come to you now. Can you do something nice for yourself while DD is away?

Well I work full time. I had a nice day Saturday but I've got lots of personal admin to do and want to clear out some cupboards. I am seeing a friend for dinner next week. So - I'm busy, it's just busy on my own.

YANBU. That is crap for you and they should be better. Sadly there's huge hypocrisy towards single mothers (probably driven by misogyny I think?) so they probably don't even realise how bad they sound, asking you to do basically care work for them when none of them are reciprocating. I've found its easiest just not to engage, find ways to self care even though it's not the same and hope that when they're older, kids at least will appreciate the effort you've put in, which other family members ignore.

it does sound unfair, but as people have said, they probably view you as more capable.
Start planning for the rest of the time DD is away, including meeting up with family.
But next time they ask you to babysit an adult who is temporarily alone, say no and explain they didn't do it for you, why would you do it for them?

That's really crap of them, but sadly very common. Firstly, the ' poor man' thing. When I went to visit family with my DC my DJ was always inundated with offers of tea etc by the same people who didn't ever contact me when DH travelled for work. And these are our friends who are OUR AGE!!

Secondly, the single mother thing. You've CHOSEN to be in your own without a partner, so why should it be any different if your DD is away? A really crap attitude, and combined with the first one, adds up to really shoddy treatment for single mothers by a lot of people.

I think you are probably right, it's a combination of the man thing and the single parent thing.

Either way I'm still pissed off.

I think normally if an adult is feeling lonely it's their responsibility to reach out to other family members and ask if they'd like to have dinner or whatever (I actually love time alone and would hate it if my family assumed I was lonely and organised things for me). It does sound unfair though that your family put so much effort for everyone but you.

To be fair I have said to my mum almost every day that it's not nice on my own.