AIBU or are they ?

[Babymammy]

This is a long one I apologise & appreciate if people read to the end.

Our dc is almost 4 months old. Unplanned baby with dp of 3 years. We didn't live together still both with parents. Dp a smoker (not heavy) promised he'd had given up by the time the baby arrived along with his dm. Dp works evening shifts and we decided this would work well he'd be with us during the day and then my parents would be there in the evening if I needed help with dc.

So the problems began when my dp returned to work 5 days after dc was born. He went out with his friend day 7 of dc life for the full day (he's entitled to a life still, but this is a new friend in fact first time they'd been out). But he'd say I miss my family, really want to be with you's, well u know where we are sitting in the house waiting for it to be convienet for u to come down and see us. He'd then start wakening up around 1/2 in the day then he'd be down to do nothing more than sit and hold our newborn. I'd have to do all the washing bottles, washing dc clothes etc plus I'd already bathed and dressed and given dc her bottles (he doesn't feed dc as he said he can't get the wind up)... so after weeks and weeks (around 4) of realising I'm doing this all on my own and he's pretty much a visitor coming for roughly 3 hours a day (no space for him to move in here while we figured out where to move to) so I set him a time to be down for which still ensured he got 8 hours sleep and time to get up and get ready to come and help me out which he was more than happy to agree to as he said it never crossed his mind to come and help me out . Anyway things get worse as he then starts sleeping in and now turning up, he then states 'I want to spend the full day with dc' (like I was stopping him, I used to beg him to come over) I informed him our dc is up from 8am and he's more than welcome to come down at that time, he said 'well I didn't mean the full day I meant around 2pm'. Anyway having fell out numerous times over the same issues, sleeping in, him being stinking of smoke I'd had more than enough of him and started asking him to leave when arguments got out of hand. He's also very petty I'd ask him to be down for 12:30 so he'd show up at 12:45, I'd ask him not to be smelling of smoke so he'd come down and he'd be stinking and actually told me I do the opposite of what u ask of me. One day it all got too much for me, sleep deprived, doing it all on my own, him telling me we are a family I snapped and told him don't come back down so he never for 3 days.

Fast forward til now and we are still on and off as a couple although he vists dc for still around 2-3 hours a day and leaving when dc falls asleep, he started asking me if I needed anything doing, so When dc was 3 months old I showed him how to wash the bottles for the first time & he also changed a poopy nappy (previously refused) so I thought things where improving. So now his dm said she'd contact me to arrange visits which she never did it's been 1 month since she last seen dc and I've had no contact from her. So last week he messaged at half an hours notice that his dm wanted to visit at midday I said it's not convienet for me, then she calls me an arsehole which he made sure to come down and tell me and that I'm stopping him and her see my dc ???!! So now he's started to say I shouldn't need set times to come and see dc... I know that a grown man who wants his 'family' shouldn't need to be begged to come down at a certain time but god knows when he'd show up if I'd not say anything about it. Being a father isn't for 3 hours a day max. So now his dm is telling people I stop him seeing dc, but he's admitted he doesn't come down as I am dictating to him I honestly can't win and I'm so drained with it all. He's also demanding to take her away with him for the day, I advised that he hardly knows dc, which he replies yes I don't know her because u stop me visiting he's been stopped for 3 days once what's happened to the other nearly 4 months he coulda been getting to know dc ?!

So sorry this is so long but aibu??

It sounds like the relationship has run its course, plus he is a selfish knob.
Either get a place of your own with him and really give being a couple a go or break up and get visitation put in place.
Personally I think he has shown his true colours, he just isn’t bothered.
You sound like you’re doing a brilliant job!

I also must add, he refused I took dc to a caravan last week Monday-Friday as he'd miss dc too much, he seen dc for 2 and a half hours in total from Monday-Friday. As he slept late 2 days and I said don't bother coming he put up no fight and said ok and told me me must have slept late as we had been arguing the day previously because bad things lead to bad things and good things lead to good things and the argument wasn't a good thing and it caused me to sleep in

arghhhhhhh

Eleanor
Thank you for replying I appreciate how long it was. That's the thing I'd love to I just can't because of him refusing to stop smoking and he's only refusing as he knows I want him to
Stop. I just needed to hear other people's opinions on the matter and cannot handle the fact I'm being made out to be the bad one.

And thank you very much that's so nice to hear as I try my best with dc !

It isn’t going to work out with this relationship. Make regular arrangements for childcare with him and then move on with your life.

This guy sounds like a total melt. I second the need for visitation to be put in place. Set times in a routine, if he can't be arsed to be a dad he's the one stopping himself.

This relationship isn’t worth anything. End it. Set visitation rights that he needs to stick to. His mother can see DC when she’s in his care.

He's a loser. He's not making any effort. Does he pay you maintenance? End it and get formal visitation hours agreed. His mother can see her grandchild when he's looking after them.

He doesn't sound like he is supporting you as a parent, and is only seeing his child for appearances and conveniently blaming you when he doesn't. Sounds like you need to move on and sort out formal times for him to see baby and child support. If he doesn't turn up record it all down as evidence if he starts to threaten you with you going for full custody as it sounds like he could turn nasty. Get yourself some independent legal advice first.

Seriously, you need to shut that shit down now.
He sounds like a total nobber and although you've unfortunately made a baby with him, something tells me he won't be a big part of your child's life. (For context, not judging the baby father thing. I made two massively spectacular errors of judgement with my former beloveds)
He is showing you what a total and utter wanker he is.
He gets visitation rights to your baby and as they're in your house and you're the RP and you do all the work including having the mental load of being a parent. Its arranged, it is convenient for you. Do you really want the arsehole comment every few months? Cos there will be other occasions where they will act in shitty ways they think you're He does not appear to have made many useful contributions to your shared parenting. And that sucks for you.
The dickhead and his dysfunctional family can do one. Who behaves like that, calling people arsehole and someone telling you they said it. Fuck No, your baby. Your rules.
Becausr he does not sound like he'd be a good father. If he was going to change behaviour I reckon you'd have seen signs by now.
In time you will feel very glad you dodged a bullet , please believe me.
Dump him, draw up some boundaries. Stick to them and have a great life with your new little girl.

Oh my goodness that you for your replies. That's the only thing he's good for is the money, he is very generous in that sense !

Omg hoof you've got what his family is like from just that they are certainly dysfunctional that's for sure !!

I don't know what everyone means about visitation ? He doesn't know her, he needs told everything. Only last week he pulled her up from her car seat with her arms without her even bracing herself. I know he wouldn't intentionally hurt her but he's clueless and does silly things all the time with her but yet that's my fault cos I stop him seeing her . So I'd be on edge knowing she's away up to that mad house around screaming shouting and smoking with a father that's clueless and a grandmother that's even worse ! But he'd love knowing that I was in the house worrying about whether she's ok or not. I've said to him so many times you'd do anything to get to me anything at all.

Yesterday we went for food and so he could see her. And all he wants to do is lift her and I feel to show her off like she's a toy. He's so bloody unnatural with her I was embarrassed. It was a disaster waiting to happen and very frustrating to watch when someone clearly doesn't know what to do but will do ANYTHING but ask even if it means having her in distress. If sticking a dummy in her gob doesn't fix it he doesn't know any other options.

Oh and hoof apparently his problem is he's had a baby with me !! I'll tell the jokes

Visitation is the time a non resident parent spends with their child. This can be agreed between yourselves or if need be can be organised through mediation or the courts, it all depends on how amicable you can be. The courts generally like you to organise it between yourselves and the cost implications are mind boggling!

When your dc is so young you do not have to allow overnight stays unless you are confident that he is able to or has support from his family.

I would cut your losses, he's not a supportive partner to you and your doing marvellous on your own, if he cannot even follow simple requests like times and not to smoke before visits the it would make me question how contact would go.

There is however a need for him to have appropriate access to his child but if he's not putting in the effort and you are making dc available if things do go sideways and it was to escalate to courts I would just keep a written record of what's happened as evidence.

I'd also suggest contact away from your home, can you maybe meet at a neutral place e.g cafe or park? He needs to take the steps to show he can facilitate contact without you there because they will make it harder for you to be able to move on.

I really hope this helps and I'm sorry if I'm bombarding you with info, you shouldn't have to baby a grown man to see his child. There are dads out there that don't even get this opportunity.

This isn't even a relationship. As someone who raised my DD on my own from day one I 100% promise you that your life would be 10000 times easier without all this second guessing, head games, having to ask him to be involved but then it's only on his terms.

I found that because I knew I had no help and was expecting no help I found things much much easier than friends with partners who werent pulling their weight. Ditch him. Arrange access that suits YOU and don't give him any more of your time effort or patience.

Yes ditch him. You're not getting anything from this relationship. Do you love him? He sounds like a total man-child especially with the staying in bed until 2pm - that would drive me mad! Does he not work?

I would set definite visiting times in stone - write them down for him and make them times that are suitable and convenient for you.

As for the smoking - I know from experience as an ex smoker that no amount of asking can make someone quit, they have to want to do it themselves. But you can ask him not to smoke before he visits the baby. I think you need to be firm with him. The same with the latest update about lifting her etc be firm, say no and show him how to lift her safely!

I agree with PP about the relationship....doesn't really sound like one to me.

Just playing devils advocate here, he isn't going to know how to soothe the baby, hold the baby confidently or what they want because he hasn't spent any time doing these things. I know it's his fault, but you can't really hold that against him right now. Not turning up to see his dc...absolutely his fault, but not knowing what to do...that's just a result of a circumstance.

Of course you'll be worried about your dc when they are with him, but he does have a right to a relationship with his child.

I think organising a set schedule, very definite times that you stick too (never change them, never give him an extra 15 mins to get out of bed) and he'll end up tripping himself up anyway. Then you can always prove you tried your hardest.

This relationship isn’t going to work. A decent parent would not want to spend so little time with their DC.
Does he work? I’m confused as to how he can get up late etc if he is working?

I would also like to half disagree with the 'make the times convenient for you' comment. Yes, I'm prepared for the negative comments that may follow...

Times need to be convenient for both parents, based around the baby's schedule.

orgy thank you for thand info

cricket I understand the smoking thing I'm not a smoker but I understand it will be hard. But all I've asked is he doesn't smoke when coming to see dc. He did say he'd stop but whatever. I've showed him what to do daily and I still need to repeat myself all I get is 'she's fine' he thinks he knows it all ! And you's don't know the half of the silly things he's done with her that was just a kind of recent example.

toomany circumstances are different from the norm yes, but he has never made the most of it. That's why he's cluless. He's lying in bed when I'm doing the majority of it. All he wants to do is sit and hold a sleeping baby, now she's getting older he sees her moving and looking around as her fussing when she's not. I've given him every opportunity and more to bond with her, nor my problem that he's only in the last two weeks started actually trying. But it's all went wrong again this week (arsehole comment and sleeping in twice)

hidilly exactly begging a man to come down and see dc what ?!!

He does work he works until 2am. Then I set half past 12 as a time to come down and no later as this gives him plenty of sleep. I'm sick of letting him do what he wants cos then that leads to him turning up at 2pm and I've sat in waiting for him all day long ! It's u fair.

Only last week when he slept in I decided not to give him grief for it and see if that makes a difference and he will actually try and get up and so I'm not 'moaning'. So in reply to 'I've slept in' I said ok see you tmoro maybe. I'm trying everything to get him to come down.

I'd dump him and tell him if he wants to see the dc he needs to go through mediation. Maybe supervised visitation at first since he doesn't know how to care for DC. That way he will either have to step up, be on time and care for thr child or otherwise you will have proof that he isn't holding his end of the bargain.

My guess is that he will be horrible to you, want to see the kid sometimes but not within the arrangememts and will bugger off out of your lives after a while.

Don't be sorry about that as well, he is not a caring father, he acts only like a sperm donor.

He has no right to stop you going to the caravan. Do you think he has the right to dictate to you where you go? He doesn’t unless he’s on the birth certificate and you’re talking about going abroad.

I'm sure the answer is going to be yes, but have you asked him what times/days work for him?

too yeah he wants to see her everyday. But yet it's a fight to get him here he's so bloody twisted it's unreal.

He's just away there. I did most of it, there was hardly a peep out of her and he gave her to me to deal with . I changed her nappy and fed her while he ate something, he's anything but a doting dad. But when he's away it's ' I love u so much' 'be good for ur mum'. He does what thinks looks good.

I can definitely see why it's a frustrating situation for you. Not sure why he's eating anyway, surely if he's there to see his baby then you should be taking the opportunity to eat, not the other way around?!

Maybe it's confusing because you're still trying to be in a relationship? Whereas if you binned him off (easier said than done!) and went for more structured contact, he wouldn't be so familiar?

too yeah I think he's maybe unsure of the boundaries. Today was a total waste of time in him coming down but hey ho least he can't say I'm stopping him . Let him pretend he's being daddy of the year.