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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not sure how to handle this...

93 replies

catstar16 · 13/08/2018 01:27

Hello All

AIBU?

I met my partner in July 2017. So we’ve only been together just over a year. We live together and get on very well.

Tonight, I had to go on his laptop to help him with some writing (he has dyslexia) and......I don’t know what came over me but I thought I’d take a sneaky look at whether he had used the dating site we had met on since we had got together. He is at his friends house tonight.

I know...not very trusting...but I just had a weird feeling I should should check it.

Anyway...I found that he had been using it.....here’s the timeline:

met July 2017. In the early days, he worked away and so we only saw each other at the weekends. Fine with me.
September 2018 he’d viewed girls and made contact with them (well...even though we’d already had a chat about being ‘exclusive’, instigated by him might I add, I figured this wasn’t such a big deal. Still new in the relationship, less than three months
October 2017 - over the duration of a week, he contacted 5 pages worth of girls in the area in which he was working away. Our relationship was fantastic at this time (well...I thought it was! We were crazy about each other. He has literally contacted and viewed pages and pages of women).
November 2017, he speaks to me about giving up working away and moving in with me permanently to work from home. I’m happy, so is he. We’re really excited. I move out of my house share and in to our own place. At the same time, he makes contact with women on the dating site
December 2017 he moves in with me. No more action on the dating site (he stops contacting them end of November).

.........I’m just really annoyed at this.

I know we were newly in a relationship but it was serious.

The month that he had contacted the pages and pages of women (October), he hadn’t been home for a month. I found this to be a struggle. Once in October, after I’d gone through him promising me for three weekends he’d be back but then cancelled due to work at the last minute, I text him in a very grown up manner to say, ‘I appreciate you’re busy down there but...when we met, you said we’d be seeing each other every weekend. It’s been three weeks since I saw you and I have to tell you that I’m not looking for a long distance relationship. So...if this is the way your work has developed, it isn’t an issue...I just need to know’. His response was for me to please hang in there! Had I had known he was playing the field, I would have dumped his bot and perhaps enjoyed myself again too!

AIBU to be upset over this?

I called him tonight and his response was (he was drunk)

I DIDN’T MEET ANYONE! (Well...that’s OK then - NOT!)
I can’t remember accessing the site
my mates might have borrowed my laptop and used it (!)

He then got his mate on the phone to me to tell me how much he loves me and how much he speaks about me all the time 🙄

I have counted ten+ dates when he used that site...ignoring my texts but happily engaging with the women on the site! Surely...he must remember accessing that site so much.

Also a bit concerned that...there were nights that he ignored my texts and went quiet.....no doubt he hooked up with someone.

No idea how to handle this. But I’m bloody annoyed.

I guess one solution is for me to just accept it was still early days and that since he’s moved here and in with me, there has been no contact.........but something is sitting uneasy with me.

Sigh.

Anyone have any ideas? Thank you xx

May I ask what anyone else would do in my shoes? Xx

OP posts:

ShumpaLumpa · 13/08/2018 07:45

RedHelen - the problem is that Op is reasonably sure that he was meeting up with and probably shagging other women whilst in an exclusive relationship with OP.

It's him that is untrustworthy and a good thing that OP followed up on her spidey senses. If he could cheat in the throes of a new relationship, what's th likelihood of him cheating again? Pretty high I'd say.

ferntwist · 13/08/2018 07:45

YANBU. He’s a liar and a cheat. If he can do this when you’re both really loved up and at the beginning of a relationship there’s no way you can trust him longer term.
You sound absolutely lovely, don’t waste your love on this immature idiot.

Shitonthebloodything · 13/08/2018 07:54

I suspect that there's nothing more on the laptop because he could no longer use it without being seen.
What's he like with his phone OP? Do you have the code for it? Does he take it everywhere with him?

Eesha · 13/08/2018 07:54

I’d get rid of him because I think he was testing the waters in case something better came along or was out there. If your partner had met someone decent, he would have easily dumped you. If you really want him, you should make him fight to get back into your good books again but as he did this so much, doesn’t sound like a keeper.

Nikephorus · 13/08/2018 07:55

RedHelen - the problem is that Op is reasonably sure that he was meeting up with and probably shagging other women whilst in an exclusive relationship with OP.
Yes but OP had no reason to suspect this before she looked. She was just being nosy & checking up on him. It would be different if she'd had more than a 'weird feeling' (which sounds a bit like justifying what she did).
He stopped once you moved in together. That's the important bit. Given the timeline he stopped when he committed to you properly. If you'd been together longer before moving in then I'd have expected him to have stopped much longer before moving in.
Personally I'd not expect someone to use OLD once they'd had a first date but then I'm obviously unusual like that. Given that people do keep on with it until they're sure (they can't do better ) then I doubt this is that unusual. It all depends if he actually met up with them or whether it was an ego boosting thing. See what he says sober.

StarfishSandwich · 13/08/2018 07:59

I’m not sure this would be a deal breaker for me. I know in the past when I was younger and more insecure I would have kept talking to other guys (as sort of backup I guess) until I was 100% certain about a relationship. And given you weren’t actually seeing each other that much until he gave up working away, I can see how it would happen.

Chartreuseveil · 13/08/2018 08:04

Nothing wrong with what Broussard said. No one is blaming op for her bloke cheating on her, but suggesting that more caution should be exercised next time.

ImAIdoot · 13/08/2018 08:06

Take it from me, if they cheat early on get rid like you stood in something.

Same goes if any of the so-called "overlap" involves sex or romantic stuff.

Save yourself the trouble and do it now, instead of looking back at 20 years of your life wasted.

Jupiter9 · 13/08/2018 08:32

I completely understand your upset and don't agree with what he did. It sounds like a dating site addiction he had. You have broken that at the start and he's not gone back. This is just my opinion. Good luck.

timeisnotaline · 13/08/2018 08:36

Weird comments from people You do actually come across as quite clingy actually, being willing to move in after such a short time
HE brought up bring exclusive (but was still messaging and meeting other women), HE suggested moving in (but was still messaging and meeting other women... the op said well ok. That is not clingy.
But I agree, get rid. He’s been pushing monogamy and we’re such a couple with you while lying through his teeth. Ugh.

Chartreuseveil · 13/08/2018 08:43

Timeis, it’s not clingy but it is possibly lacking in caution considering the bouts of no contact

whocoulditbe · 13/08/2018 08:47

Some low standards on this thread. 'Oh he stopped shagging other women when you moved in together. Don't worry about the lies and deceit and possible std's for the 6 months before that. You just carry on and be a good girl.'

Fuck that. Don't be one of those women who takes any old shit op. Raise your bar. Check your boundaries and your standards. Because it sounds like even before you found out he's a lying shit hole, he wasn't the best boyfriend. There were already red flags and you just didn't see them. Well they're all waving in front of you now - don't ignore them.

Nikephorus · 13/08/2018 08:59

Oh he stopped shagging other women when you moved in together. Don't worry about the lies and deceit and possible std's for the 6 months before that.
OP doesn't know if he met any of them or whether he was just contacting them with no intention of taking things further. Don't project your own issues onto other peoples' lives.

musicalxo · 13/08/2018 09:04

YANBU. From what I read, it sounds like you two were already exclusive, yet he was still chatting with other women (or looking for "better" women). To me, this is not an overlap. Somehow he "stopped" chatting/looking at other women after you two moved in. The question is why? Did he finally choose to fully commit to you? Or because now that you two live together, it's more difficult for him to chat/look behind your back? Or did he use another dating website/app? I think you need to have a serious talk with him, OP. Take care.

whocoulditbe · 13/08/2018 09:05

Oh fuck off. He was ignoring her on days when she tried to contact him that lined up with him messaging other women. If you'd put up with that then more fool you.

ShartGoblin · 13/08/2018 09:09

I think you need to talk to him properly when he's sober. It was very early days in the relationship and he hasn't been doing it since you moved in together so it does seem like as soon as he decided you were the one, he had no intention of straying. What he did wrong here was ask you to be exclusive before he was actually ready. This needs addressing.

If I were in your shoes I think I would be able to forgive and move on but only if he was completely honest with me about everything without trying to lay any blame on you. If he accepts what he's done is wrong, takes full ownership of what's happened and explains why he decided to be exclusive then I think it's possible to move past this.

Only if you think you can though because at the end of the day it doesn't matter whether you're being unreasonable or not - you feel what you feel and if you no longer think you can be with him then you need to end it.

Also FWIW I moved in with my DP after 6 months and we have been together for 6 years. This is not your mistake, you are not to blame. He is.

Ohyippedydooda · 13/08/2018 09:30

I understand why you are very upset, and to be honest I think I would leave this relationship if it were me. It doesn't sound like he was just keeping his options open in the early days of dating, he was possibly seeing them during the time you were making arrangements to move in with him! The difference between your views of the relationship at that time is quite stark.

Having said that, if he were to acknowledge it was really foolish behaviour and you are convinced he genuinely is a bit ashamed of it then maybe he can be trustworthy. If he brushes it off, minimises or make excuses I would run for the hills! How old are you/he? if quite young then you could chalk it down to immaturity. If a bit older then I would say he doesn't sound trustworthy or long term relationship material.

Slightly off point but I think really important, is that I find your description of yourself and role in the relationship really alarming! You don't need to be a 'good girl' or make sure you don't nag, and certainly shouldn't be 'looking after him'. You should be his equal partner and he should be treating you with the same level of respect as you show him, both caring for each other but at the same time having high standards as to how you expect to be treated. MN is full of women being used and abused, and if you start a relationship with this mindset I would worry you are heading that way.

Hidillyho · 13/08/2018 09:31

he hasn't been doing it since you moved in together so it does seem like as soon as he decided you were the one, he had no intention of straying

Well that’s very noble of him isn’t it

ShumpaLumpa · 13/08/2018 09:36

So depressing that the one of the few times an OP uses her head and is reasonably sure her DP cheated is the time when posters start making excuses for him.

A woman does not arrive at a conclusion that her DP is cheating lightly. We should respect OP's intelligence and the evidence she has provided to believe that it's very likely this man has cheated.

Mouseville65 · 13/08/2018 09:38

I'm not defending his actions in anyway but if the relationship is as good as you say and it stopped as soon as you moved in together I personally would try work on this.

Perhaps counseling but more likely just open communication.

Sounds to me he was insecure and moving in changed that so it stopped.

Again I'm not saying this makes it ok.

Only you can decide if this is something YOU can live with and only HE can give you the reason he did this.

TheStoic · 13/08/2018 09:54

I'm not defending his actions in anyway but if the relationship is as good as you say and it stopped as soon as you moved in together I personally would try work on this.

Most likely it stopped because he no longer had the time to contact and meet women.

ShartGoblin · 13/08/2018 09:55

Well that’s very noble of him isn’t it

Sorry, I probably worded that badly. What I meant to say is that he's not necessarily going to be a cheater in the future because it seems like once he decided to be committed he stopped. The fact that he lied about when to commit is a massive issue though and it's really down to each person to decide if they can trust again.

I didn't mean to be insensitive, I just meant to say that once a cheater always a cheater doesn't apply here because in his head he hasn't cheated.

To be honest the more I try to dissect it the more I change my mind about it and I actually now think just leave him. Even if he never cheats on you again, he still is the type to justify bad behaviour on a technicality.

auntyflonono · 13/08/2018 10:04

You are worth more than this! Don't settle or try to minimise or explain his behaviour. You had the talk, he cheated, you moved in together, you found out. Do what you would have done if you had discovered his behaviour earlier.

JovialNickname · 13/08/2018 10:37

OP, maybe try posting this on the Relationships board instead, as you might get more of the kind of advice you are looking for on there? AIBU is essentially a debate board therefore the responses are fairly robust (ahem!) Relationships is a support board and so a kinder more sympathetic environment.

Hope you're feeling better soon

ChristmasFluff · 13/08/2018 16:22

Please ignore the people finding reasons to give this man another chance. He is a huge liar.

He has fast-forwarded the relationship (having the 'exclusive' talk, biringing up moving in) whilst all the time looking for other women. He's acting like toxic men do - they like a 'good woman' at home looking after their needs, all the while copping off with other people.

This is just the tip of the ice berg. I would bet you anything that this is just the start of the 'discoveries'. You do not know him - not because of the length of your relationship, but because he has very successfully only shown you his mask. His true self will be very different, but at the least you know for a fact he is a liar and a cheat. I also think the reason you looked at the dating site is not nosiness, it was gut instinct (I initially wrote 'git instinct' and that is also true, cos he is!)

You cannot trust a liar, and for all the people who are saying to give him another chance - did you dream of being with a liar as a child? So what makes it ok now?

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