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Original poster

Prenatal Paternity

51 replies

Hazey2018 · 12/08/2018 17:52

I know this post is going to get some abuse but please I’m here for help not critisism.

I’ve recently found out I’m. Pregnant. My partner of 5 years and I have recently been trying for a baby. For circumstances I don’t want to go into we split up at the end of June.

On the 6th of July I came on my period (normally lasting 2/3 days) I also had sex with someone who isn’t my ex partner, yes unprotected and I am not proud.

Less than a week later my ex and I decided to make a go of things again and had sex on the 17th July. According to my app this was within my fertile days. And I should have ovulated around the 20th.

My cycle ranges anything from 28-31 days. By maths the first man is very unlikely but I can’t get this chance out of my head. My partner is over the moon that “we” are pregnant after about 2 years of not taking precautions.

I really need some advice? I’ve thought about the prenatal paternity testing. But I’m not sure how accurate these are even though they market at 99% accurate.

I’ve caused my own problems I’m aware but I just really don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
happypoobum · 12/08/2018 19:24

If I had been trying to have a baby unsuccessfully for two years then I probably wouldn't do anything that carried a risk of miscarriage.

HelpmeobiMN · 12/08/2018 19:37

If you had sex on the first day of your period and had a normal period the chances of that man being the father are astronomically small.

claireblueskies · 12/08/2018 19:42

@happypoobum The OP hasn't mentioned whether they had fertility testing. If her OH has a low sperm count, that might further reduce the odds of this baby being his.

happypoobum · 12/08/2018 19:47

yes I get that Claire. I am looking at it purely from the OPs point of view though and what I would do in her shoes.

Obviously everyone has different thoughts/views/advice and I guess that's why OP posted.

LyndorCake · 12/08/2018 19:52

It's just so wrong. Sneaking around getting DNA tests done with this poor guy oblivious, happily thinking his partner is carrying his baby. The fact that OP slept with someone when single is neither here nor there, but being deceitful to someone you claim to love does matter.

LeroyJenkins · 12/08/2018 19:59

In theory telling my partner would be the right thing to do considering he’s currently under the belief that the baby can be no other than his.

This cannot happen. Not only would this end my relationship with him it would destroy my relationship with my family.

I'm not sure why you've posted to be honest, you have decided not to tell OH that he might not be the father, you have told him you are pg, so...? what can we tell you?

happypoobum · 12/08/2018 20:04

I would tell both men I was PG and that either of them could be the father and do a DNA test when the baby was born.

Without wishing to sound flippant - you were "on a break" so DH has no right to criticise you. If he splits up with you (assuming the baby is his) then it's possible the relationship wouldn't have lasted anyway.

I don't think I am explaining myself very well, but what I am trying to say is that I would prioritise my chance of having this baby above the relationship, given what OP has said about the state of play. You had already split up at least once.....

claireblueskies · 12/08/2018 20:10

@happypoobum Agreed. The OP said she didn't want to keep the baby if it wasn't her partner's though, which is why I think the risk is worth it.

She can't let her OH raise this child without either taking a test to prove it's his, or telling him, and letting him decide he doesn't care. I wonder if that is actually an option? After 2 years, he might have been ready to consider infertility treatment anyway, which could have involved a sperm donor...?

OP, you have said you don't want to keep this baby if your OH isn't the father. @happypoobum raises a good point - what if your OH doesn't stay in the long term? Are you prepared to be a single mother? I guess what I'm asking is whether becoming a mum is your priority, or if you only want to become a mum if you're together with your OH.

notapizzaeater · 12/08/2018 21:01

If he would react about the sex whilst on a break I'd keep my mouth shut pointless ruining your relationship but I would get the prenatal test fine just so you can relax

wheezing · 12/08/2018 21:17

Have you had a scan yet? Because surely then you can figure out how many weeks ago you conceived - ie. 2 less than how many weeks pregnant they are saying you are. I mean, I know that dating scans can be out a few days either side but you are talking weeks apart here so wouldn’t a scan tell you everything you need to know?

kaytee87 · 12/08/2018 21:49

@wheezing it looks like the ops only 5 weeks gone dated by her last cycle. She could pay for a private scan around 8/9 weeks i suppose but my private scan at 8 weeks then my nhs scan at 12 weeks dated me a weeks difference.

wheezing · 13/08/2018 07:10

@kaytee87 ah yeah, skimmed over the dates - a bit early now. Anyway, I would definitely think it’s worth just waiting two weeks for a scan (can have from 7 weeks) then rather than a paternity test which will be awkward to arrange and potentially dangerous.
I guess if you she was really showing a gestation smack in between the two scenarios maybe then paternity testing would be sensible.
OP , you’re almost 6 weeks I take it assuming it was your DP, but about 7 if the other guy? - I guess we’d have to assume that the sperm lived inside you for a number of days before you ovulated so you’d have conceived let’s say 10th July in the very unlikely but technically possible scenario I guess that it was the first guy...?

I mean if it was me personally I’d be happy that the chance that it was the first guy’s was low anyway, and then have an early scan and if the baby isn’t at least a week bigger than it should be... I’d probably leave it. But maybe that’s immoral.

AllyMcBeagle · 13/08/2018 07:34

Whatever you do please get an STI check Flowers

CaptainCucumber · 13/08/2018 07:59

Is the reason you don’t want to tell him because he other guy was his friend/brother or something?

lizzybennett1926 · 13/08/2018 08:23

If you aren't going to tell your oh then you are going to need to wait until the baby is born or risk miscarriage I'm afraid. If I'd been trying to get pregnant for two years, I wouldn't risk it.
If you want to I'd talk to the other guy ASAP is he going to be willing to help and able to keep quiet anyway?
FWIW I don't think you've done anything wrong here so no judgement at all, but I would say that now you should talk to you oh and tell him.

DoneDisappeared · 13/08/2018 11:27

It's not likely the first guy is the father, that's why I don't think she should say anything. I think this even more as her inclination is not to say anything.

BUT if the scan suggests that it's likely that's it's the first guy I think she should discuss this with a medical practitioner and go with their advice on a perternity test.

LyndorCake · 13/08/2018 13:39

So say you don't opt for the prenatal paternity test, are you going to let your partner believe he is definitely the father until the baby is born?
Will he be devastated if the baby isn't his? The baby that I'm assuming he'll have spent money on? What about the baby's name? I assume you'll insist on your surname as you don't know for sure that it's even his child. What about the birth certificate? Will you put him on?
You know things like this always come out in the end, and when it does, it'll be your child who suffers as well.

Original poster
Hazey2018 · 13/08/2018 14:55

Like I have said if I can’t confirm the baby is his from the scan (which I’m not sure it will be possible, I don’t have much knowledge on the accuracy of scans) I have one booked at 7 weeks with my partner also so I won’t be able to particularly question the sonogropger too heavily on conception date.
I will more than likely do the prenatal paternity tests. These carry no risk of miscarriage, the blood comes from me, no different to any other standard blood test.
The other guy is not a friend or relation no!
Despite our split, which I was devastated about. We are actually a very settled couple. So yes I would be put ring his name on the birth certificate and the baby would have his last name. Because like I said I won’t be having the baby if it isn’t his.
The other guy is not a suitable father figure and not position to have a child.
Someone asked why I posted, I suppose for advice on early scans, conception times and to know if anyone else had a similar problem and how they dealt with it.
Thank you for all the constructive replies.

OP posts:
Sammio · 13/08/2018 15:00

If the test is just a blood test and you can get sample from other guy I would do it to put your mind at rest. But I’d be worried the other guy would talk and my DP would find out.
I don’t envy your situation at all and I hope things work out how you hope Flowers

user139328237 · 13/08/2018 15:12

Even in the best case scenario and the baby is your partners you've left him wide open to the chance of unknowingly contracting an STI by having unprotected sex with another which is deceitful (and arguably prevents the existence of informed consent on his part to your subsequent sex) and something he needs to be aware of.

Hillarious · 13/08/2018 15:13

Who is the ONS? Is he likely to know that you're pregnant? Whilst he'll clearly remember having had sex with you around nine months before your baby is born, his recollection of dates and when your period started might not be so accurate a few months or years down the line.

Going on the information you've given, it seems unlikely the ONS is the father, but will there be a risk the ONS will turn up to stake a claim at some point? That could be difficult.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 13/08/2018 15:18

Are you sure that the tests you've been looking at are legit?

I could be wrong; but I believed the only way to tell paternity was through DNA from the baby - which means it needs to come from fluids in the womb or tissue from the placenta. That's why there is a risk of miscarriage - it's not easy to get either of those. You'd then also need DNA from the potential father.

Make sure the tests you're looking at are reliable - there are a lot of cons and this would be an awful thing to get wrong.

Best of luck Thanks

olderthanyouthink · 13/08/2018 16:31

So your DP knows your pregnant? And if you did a DNA test and it showed it was the other mans baby, you'd abort? How are you going to explain that? Especially given you've be trying for ages.

If you do a DNA test with the other man, how can you be sure he won't go telling and your DP finding out that way?

If you don't test but the other man finds out your pregnant or have a child and works out how tight the dates are he might start asking questions and DP could find out that way.

Also, although the timing is off the fact that after one time with a different man you're pregnant when you've been trying for years make me think it could be the other mans.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 13/08/2018 16:34

I think genetic testing is very very accurate. I would do it asap - I think you will be stressing yourself out for the whole pregnancy otherwise even if the chances of the other guy being the father are tiny, and that won't be good for you or the baby

violets17 · 13/08/2018 16:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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