To say no to unsupervised contact based on this?

[Queenofthestress]

Me and ex-dp split up last may due to alcohol & drug addiction as well as verbal abuse. Based on the advice given by social services regarding these issues & his aspergers (he can barely care for himself) he's never had unsupervised contact. Recently he's asked for unsupervised contact, on the advice of the nspcc worker we were going to give it a trial run.

My problem is this though - recently his parents (who supervises contact) went on holiday for two weeks. During this time, he rang my SIL (who was doing the contact during their holiday) twice at daft times completely out his face, slurring his words, asking for contact with the kids.

AIBU to feel like this is a setback and put unsupervised contact on hold for a while?

Yes if you decided unilaterally. But not at all if you discussed it with the NSPCC worker and SS (as they are the ones who suggested not). Partly because I would assume this will be a long running issue and you will need a formal basis for any changes and being seen to be trying to do the right thing could become important.

Yes.

Sorry, forgot it was AIBU. No you are not.

The nspcc worker is adamant he shouldn't, social says the onus is on me to safeguard appropriately

Then just tell both NSPCC and SS workers what has happened and that you won't be facilitating any change at this point.

Can I ask why you seem to be double thinking this? You know YANBU, but you seem to have a niggle...

YANBU, if there's concerns about violence or drink driving then I wouldn't be agreeing to unsupervised at any age.
If he generally cares about them but is unable to meet their needs then unsupervised needs to be at a more independent age (6-7+) and for short amounts of time definitely no overnights.

There's no concern for violence, he's never done anything to them & is 100% sober when he sees them
You've hit the nail on the head, it's the inability to meet basic needs
I guess I'm just second guessing myself behind closed doors because his mum's put on this massive show about how he was crying and he thinks he's never gonna see them again and he needs counselling

How old is the youngest currently? If they've not yet started school then I wouldn't be happy with unsupervised yet with what you've described.

My oldest is nearly 6, and I think at her age I'd be happy for someone not 'great' at meeting needs but who loves her and has good intentions to look after her for 6 hours or so, but there would need to be no safety concerns, and not overnight.
A few hours you can send a drink and snacks, even a packed lunch if necessary, and she should be fine in the day. But overnight you've got issues of whether shes been fed tea, had a bath, teeth brushed, got to bed at a reasonable time etc so that would be a no.

Do you get on with ex at all? Could you contact him reassuring that you have no intentions of stopping contact just what your concerns are currently and why you think supervised/only shorter amounts of unsupervised contact are best for the DC currently, and anything that he can improve on to be able to meet their needs better?

The youngest is 18 months which is why he recent events has made me really reluctant. Unsupervised contact was always what it was building up to so he could have a couple hours a week on his own and it would only be a 2/3 hours until the youngest was older and only one at a time. He's never going to get overnights and has said as much himself and I'm honestly fine with that. With the way his aspergers manifests means he's never going to do any of the gruntwork or the horrible bits of parenting and I'm honestly fine with that. I'd just like the kids to have a happy relationship with him because at the end of the day he is DD's biological dad and who DS has seen as his dad for half his life and I don't want to be the one who stands in the middle of that.

He won't have any form of contact with me at all, won't speak to me or anything. It's his mum everything goes through, I've spoken to her since I posted, she's in agreement that it should be pushed back a bit until he's settled with his counselling.

I've reassured her that I 100% have no intention whatsoever of stopping contact, he's done everything I've asked since we split without fail, he's never come high or drunk to contact, he's more attentive to their safety, it's just the is he going to meet basic needs such as toileting, feeding, drinks whilst he's out with them.

I don't know hat the hell the NSPCC worker is thinking, what is the qualification/experience for that job?

It's way too soon to have unsupervised contact, given the age of the youngest. That's without the recent episodes.

Can you see why my mum senses are tingling?

I actually have no idea, she runs the nspcc selfcare course (focuses on childproofing, routines, and health), I ended up having to do it from the early years help assessment caused by someone ringing social services on me in Jan.

YANBU. Hope you get this sorted Queen.

@PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks I've got the nspcc worker and her manager coming to sign me off this week so I'm going to speak to her I think, it was a right shitshow to sort out yesterday lol felt like a headless chicken!

As for toileting, feeding, drinks, DH would need to have it all written down. Some people are intentionally useless when it comes to childcare. I'll never forget DH taking the DC over the park to play football, he wanted me to put Pull Ups on DS, who was then 2, and hadn't been wearing Pull Ups during the day for months, but was still potty training, when I said no, he wanted to bring him back so I could change him, I put pants, shorts and baby wipes in a bag and said, "Don't be so ridiculous."

If SS have said not, I would not be allowing my child unsupervised access.
If social services were to find out they could take your kids into care for you failing to safeguard them.

It’s not a risk I would take to keep your ex happy.

Ss have said it's up to me purely because he's not on the bc (I had niggles something wasn't right, the verbal abuse didn't start until after she was 2 months and the other stuff didn't come to light until the week we split)

Nspcc woman says no way but ultimately it's up to me.

The whole taking into care from failure to safeguard is why I'm being really cautious about this and he's never had contact unsupervised, might give the local FFAP hub a ring and see what they advise actually, thanks for that idea!