To think some adults are too hung up on kids having a best friend.

[Lydiaatthebarre]

My niece has a lovely bunch of friends at school and gets on great with them all. But her other granny was persistently asking her the other day ,"but which is your best friend" as if she had to have one particular special friend. I've heard children being asked this question time and time again, particularly when they start school.

AIBU to think this is unfair and can make children who don't have a particular friend feel that they've failed in some way?

I've never heard this. Literally never. One of my DDs is part of a close, extended group and they all seem to be equally affectionate.

It's a mixed group....girls and boys. I've never worried about her having a best friend and nobody's ever passed comment.

My younger DD has often had a best friend...she's rotated a few times (pre-teens!) but she's also happy playing in a group.

I know what you mean op and I agree with you, it's very immature and I can't stand adults referencing their "bestie", total cringe.

I was rereading some Malory towers books recently and Enid Blyton is dreadful the way she implies that pupils can only have one real friendship and everything else is second best. Darrell feels a failure because she hasn't made a best friend by half term, Mary Lou is allowed 'tag along' with Darrell and Sally, Gwendoline is nasty and therefore never makes a best friend etc etc.

I totally agree with you. Lot of angst among parents aswell.

Kids need friends, as adults we accumulate different friends for different reasons.

It sets kids up to fail.

It sets others up to feel second best and a failure.

I work in a school and see kids say 'well your not my best friend' so they are getting it from home.

It's ludicrous really
You'd never ask an adult who their best friend is. Why can't kids have friends at school, friends on the road, friends from brownies etc without having to rank them.

Yanbu. I don't think it's healthy to encourage a child to just have one 'best' friend because they then become overly attached to that friend and when they're away from school for whatever reason or they have a minor fall out then they're left with noone else. I think it's better and healthier to encourage them to have a group of close friends, even if they don't play with them every day.

I agree. I know of a few 'besties' who's mothers have forced the friendship ans they don't actually like each other, but keep it up as not to upset their parents.

Bloody awful thing to do to kids

I must admit that I hate the phrase "best friend" - it implies exclusivity and ownership.

Agree op. We always encouraged ours to have loads of friends and mixed groups too.

I had one mum who literally tore a setup off me because my dd wanted to play footy with the lads and he mate didn’t so dd left her for 10 mins go have a kick about.

She said dd had ‘broken her child’s hesrt’ fucking idiot.

I agree OP - it can put a lot of pressure on kids and make them feel second best.

YANBU. I met up with a few friends/acquaintances with DC of varying ages recently. The DC were all talking about best friends. My DD (7) said that she has 2 best friends. One of the other adults told her that you can only have one best friend, and pushed her to choose between them.

The same woman then "corrected" her son when he said who his best friend was, making him say that his best friend was her best friend's son.

Or the number of friends. When DS2 started school (DH's 1st DC), DH said, "Have you made lots of friends?" What if he hadn't?

Personally, I think it is very peculiar that children don't have a best friend. It doesn't mean they aren't part of a group, but there is usually one person that they feel closest to.

I'm an adult and I have known my best friends since we were in primary 3 and introduce her as my best friend. I vividly remember her telling me that when BT introduced its friends and family thing (many moons ago) they asked her if she had a best friend. Her response? 'Have you looked at my phone bill?' My number was the one she called most often and vise versa.

Why is it peculiar? I doubt you have one exclusive friend. Do you go everywhere together?

We aren't saying children shouldn't have a best friend, but not to the exclusion of others.

Girls are terrible for pairing up and leaving others out. It's horrible.

My youngest has had a ‘best friend’ since they were at pre-school. They’re now in year 4 and still besties. My older two never really had one best friend, they have a few close friends. School were really surprised at the youngest’s friendship in Reception - ‘best’ friends at such a young age is really unusual. They’re still bfs now and they probably will be through primary, if not secondary. I’m not convinced it’s entirely healthy though - I think both kids could benefit from a wider circle of good friends.

My ddil has got half a dozen friends, all of whom she calls her "best friends"

The problem with best friends through primary is that inevitably, one moves on when they get to year 6 or secondary. And that can be very confusing and upsetting for the one left behind.

If either of my two got too attached to one child, I'd definitely encourage them to widen their circle. Nothing wrong with liking someone especially but never a good idea to put all your eggs in one basket.

I loved Malory towers

But totally agree with your point OP, no hang ups here ! 👌🏻

Malory Towers though was written in the 40's though!
I do think it's better if kids have a group of friends rather than just a best friend. My DD, just going onto Year 10, has a group of around 9 good friends, sometimes she's closer to one and sometimes another.

No idea why I wrote though twice in the first sentence!

You're right - and I'm guilty of asking DD in the past, I won't be again though.

Why is it peculiar not to have a best friend? Would you make your child feel that there was something wrong with them if they preferred to hang around in a group?

I actually think that's s terrible thing to say.

So true! I think you have friends which suit different parts of your life or indeed time of life! My daughters has a core of friends from school and others at different activities. No one best friend. Her school has a three class intake and the classes are mixed up every year which fosters this type of friendship rather than relying on a single friend for all their needs!

I agree OP it really doesn’t matter but some people are just obsessed with it.

It seems that often primary school friendships are influenced by parents friendship groups. If the mums are friends then it is more likely that the DC will spend more time together outside school and become closer to a particular person. However, these friendships are likely to change as DC get older, meet new people at secondary school and no longer rely on parents to arrange play dates.

Yes I have a few friends who insist on their dds having a best friend and it drives me utterly bonkers. I have always said best friend is a level of friendship and therefore you can have lots of ‘best friends.’ This weird exclusive/exclusion friendships for children causes so much unnecessary drama it’s often so forced.
That being said I do have a best friend we have been through total hell together she’s more than just a friend and there is no other way to describe her.