To think you can have it all - but only one of you?

[KimKatCourtney]

An old boss made me think about this when she said ‘you absolutely cannot have it all’ and pointed out that the women on the board of the company I work (multi billion £) all have husbands who stay at home.
So all the rhetoric that you can’t have it all as a woman is not actually that , it’s more only one of you can have the high flying career as well as both being successful parents?
I think I am one of those women who seems to have it all but that’s only because my DH is self employed, very flexible and works very few hours (20 ish a week), but at work the women in my team etc don’t really see that part.
I look like I am juggling successfully but I just don’t think it would be possible if my DH couldn’t do drop off every day and pick up most days.
I don’t think both can have it all ?

Not sure. I have the high flying career, my husband is self-employed (so flexible), but also travels a fair bit. His income is lower than mine, but in all fairness, loads of people’s income is. We don’t have a nanny, just childminder and after school club for ours. I work with other women where both have careers (including both with 6 figure salaries), but it’s hard. I think in this salary range, the temptation for one parent to step back is quite high as it makes life less stressful. It’s possible though

Emeraldvillage- I agree with your post. Once you start prioritising one career (almost always the man’s) it becomes an inevitable pathway of his work life being increasingly important and incompatible with the mum’s worklife.

That’s why it’s so frustrating that so few couples have taken up the option of shared parental leave (I believe since the legislation came in a couple of years ago it’s something like 2% of couples) I’ve seen threads on here where women say ‘but I don’t want to transfer my leave,’ or ‘it makes more sense financially for me to take all the leave.’

My view is that even if in the immediate term it makes a bit more financial sense for the woman to take a whole years leave rather than transfer 3 or 4 months to the father, the other benefits of doing so far outweigh that. The fact that the father gets sole care of the child while the mother steps back into work after ML, his chance to really experience day to day care while running the home, the bonding with his child, the memories he’ll have of that special time...
It’s about setting the pattern of expectations. Get it right in the early stages - balancing work and home life - and you are establishing the blueprint for parenting

This is the kind of thing that women of my generation (I’m in my 50s) would have given our right arms for. Dh and I managed to balance things as well as we could, I always worked to keep my career going and he’s always been hands on with the children, cooking, dealing with domestic stuff
But it was a lot tougher against the backdrop of very short (12 weeks) paid maternity leave and zero paternity leave.
I quite accept that it’s up to couples to create the pattern they want, and if a woman is determined to prioritise her dh’s career and he’s happy with it then that’s their choice. But it does seem sad (for the children’s sake as much as anything) that more couples don’t want to share the joys and challenges more equitably

I agree that it depends on your definition of, having it all.

Some people are happy to have jobs, that pay enough to have a life that they are happy with and a good work/life balance. Living Up-North, helps.

Also, "successful Parenting", is also subjective. No doubt the Queen and her ilk, also people who use Boarding Schools, considers themselves "a successful parent". Even though it many wouldn't be happy with that.

But, in overall terms, it is the Woman who usually has to lower her expectations about what life she can lead/achieve, after children. If she wants to be around a lot and do a large part of the caring for them.

Yes - I think it's a big semi-secret that most women in senior roles, certainly in corporate ones have men who are actually or nearly SAHPs. Lots of the time it feels like it's saving everyone's egos to say the men are freelance etc but reality is they work very part time at most.

It is important to share this, because it allows companies to expect more than one person can deliver, and gives unsustainable expectation to others on the way up.

I don’t agree, DH has a job he loves, I have my own business doing something I love. We both spend time with DC WE feel like we have it all