AIBU or is DH. Getting up with the baby...

[SailAwayWithMeHuni]

I’m sure this has been asked a thousand times before but who is being unreasonable in this instance.

7 month old baby girl still doesn’t sleep through. I’m on maternity leave, DH works really hard, and DD is exclusively breastfed. I do all the night feeds except the very occasional Saturday night when DH will make up some bottles.

This week I have been really ill with tonsillitis. DH has been great, sent me to bed as soon as he got home Tuesday night, took two days off work, did the majority of the night feeds but I tried my hardest to help and did some. There was only one night I didn’t help at all. DD has actually been sleeping quite well all week. Friday night/Saturday morning DH done the 5am feed so when DD woke at 8, I got up and let DH sleep in.

He then took our DD out for the day with him. Which was completely his choice as his friend he was meeting had his similar aged baby with him.

DH was planning to play golf this morning but said last night that he didn’t want to as he’d get nothing else done. I said I think you should play, as you always want to but then never do. I don’t mind watching DD all day today so you can play golf and then still have time after.

Last night DD was awake at 12ish for about 20minutes, which also woke DH up as she was screaming. She was then up for about an hour between 4 and 5. I did both feeds. (My milk has dried up whilst being ill so we’ve had to give formula).

So to the AIBU... DD wakes up about 7ish and DH asks me if she wants dummy or bottle. I said I don’t know, try dummy and then see what happens. So he did, got back into bed but DD didn’t settle.

20minutes later I ask if he’ll get up with DD and give her breakfast, I’m not bed bound anymore but I still feel really quite rough. Anyway, DH gets up with a lot of grumpy comments that he should’ve just gone golf. It’s his only opportunity for a lay in until next weekend. When I can potentially get more sleep in the week as DD has started napping for a couple of hours in the morning.

I see it as he could’ve given me another hour then I’ll take DD out for the day and he can do what he wants, which I’m pretty sure would include a nap somewhere.

So who is being unreasonable?

I don't think either of you is being unreasonable! Sorry to sit on the fence though!

I don't think either of you is BU; you're both just tired and when you have a little one, an illness plus a job to juggle both of you are going to be narky.

DH and I had to learn the whole "competitive tiredness" game was actually quite destructive to our general happiness when the DC arrived and once we'd worked it out and spotted it, we began trying to think more about working together rather than pulling apart. No question one or both of you could have behaved differently but perhaps talk to your DH over a cuppa and acknowledge it, and come to a compromise that suits you both.

It's really hard and it sounds like you're both doing your best. I agree that neither of you is being unreasonable.

Do you get your lie in and 'golf time or equivalent? As long as you get this, it seems OK. He could do the earliest morning feed and just get up earlier for the day on working days so you can sleep a little longer or a 1/ 2 am feed so you can sleep from when baby goes down until later. This would give you a longer stretch of sleep. That worked for us. It depends on his working hours and if you are each larks or night owls.

I think you were being unreasonable to tell him to go to golf! Fuck that. It sounds like you’re both doing your best but understandably tired and grumpy. It’s such a hard time of life. Feel better soon OP.

I think he’s being reasonable, Kids are hard work and being grumpy now and again is to be expected 😄

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. I think if things are exactly the way you've described you're both rubbing along quite nicely. Babies are handwork but all that said, sounds like you're both making a fair go of it.

Sounds like you’re both tired and grumpy, neither is being unreasonable.

Your milk won't dry up that quickly if you've still been feeding, you just need to get your supply back up

You say DD 'still doesn't sleep through', where are you getting the idea that she should be? Babies wake in the night because they are babies. Some sleep through, some don't, but please don't expect her to, because that way lies misery.

Other than that, neither of you were being unreasonable, you are both tired.

No he isn’t being unreasonable. He’s really tried his best.

I think my husband summed it up when he said it always feels like someone else is “winning” but sometimes nobody is. This is that! You both deserve a rest!

The baby IBU. Unfortunately the baby is unreasonable with as well.

So you be as nice to each other as you can, be kind, apologize a lot and get through it.

I agree that neither of you sound unreasonable. I also have a non-sleeping 7 month old, my advice is to always agree exactly who is doing what shift night and morning therefore there's no scope for arguments.

The baby IBU.

God, aren't they just. Little buggers.

I agree with PPs; Tiredness Olympics feels superficially satisfying but that way badness lies. You're both tired, grumpiness happens, nobody is winning, try and be kind and work together until this too shall pass.