Inviting in laws to big family party

[sameshitdifferentday78]

I've name changed although to be honest the only person who this might be outing too is my DSis who I've already talked too about this!
So to be clear at the outset this isn't a sibling resentful competition thing at all!!

Our parents have big anniversary coming up and are having a massive party.
My sisters in-laws have been invited.

For context I live overseas with DH and have for 15 years so naturally they haven't spent nearly as much time with my in laws and I'm ok with that; have no desire for them to all be besties and enjoy that they get along very well when they get together but we tend to visit separately when we are back/
On the other hand my sisters MIL is single and her DSIL has a partner and lives locally. Over the last decade they've spent many social times together with my family including a lot of Christmases and New Years. Etc. It's obviously geography and they know each other well. They haven't spent much time with my In laws but they're all friendly. And in all honestly I like having it separate as We can focus on spending time with each side when we're back . Forcing a relationship feels a bit like when your parents forced you to be friends with their friends kids when you didn't have much in common and particularly because we r overseas I see no reason to have the intense closeness of my sisters in laws and my parents .

So with all that backstory I'll get to the point. When my DM was starting to plan the party months ago, she called me and said she felt a bit bad that they had this close relationship to my sisters in laws and not to mine and did I think they should invite my in laws to the party ?
I was quite honest that it hadn't occurred to me at all since they didn't have that kind of relationship but that I thought it would be a very nice gesture and would make DH happy but that it was their party and up to them.

Anyway DM has never mentioned it again and never did invite them. The party is now a month away

In hindsight I think I should have been firmer and said yes when she asked because it would have meant a lot to DH (though he'd never say!)

It also feels awkward since it's not an intimate family thing but a pretty big "do" and doesn't really seem to be a numbers or financial reason to exclude them when I see who else they HAVE invited.

I do want to ask about it because I'm not entirely sure Mum didn't forget about it entirely or if she decided not too. I would like to know the reason as she brought it up and otherwise I don't know if I would have even thought about it.
I do not want to create tension or conflict but AIBU to think if she's having a huge party and inviting one set of in laws it would be the diplomatic thing to invite both ?
I know I'm going to get a lot of "her party her choice" replies but pls also consider that me and DH are taking a long haul flight to be there for 3 days so really making an effort. Because it's so short and his family won't be coming we've had to tell them when they ask that although we're going to be in the country we won't in fact be able to see them as it's all taken up with this party they're not invited too!! And I can't help feeling bad for DH that it just looks like he's not as much part of our family as DBIL and that she didn't consider that it might be nice for us to see his family when we have chance even if that means she has to "sacrifice" inviting them.

@icouldbewrongicouldberight Why on Earth are you only visiting for three days? Couldn’t you have planned a longer trip and spent time with his family too
Why didn't I think of that ?

I have a job and commitments I can't get out of .
Plus we're not taking the kids out of school so can only leave them for so long .

Ring her up this morning and ask her!

@Cuppaorwine (wine definitely!) I'm going too . I guess it's clear from your replies that it's not outrageously CF to do so!!

Sounds like in laws will enjoy the party!

Please ask them if your mum wants them!

We invited long lost family friends to my wedding a month before. They said that it was short notice but would love to attend so changed their plans.

I would also attend a party at short notice as long as I knew I was wanted.

Also, who do you have to spend a week at MIL's? Just tell them you can't manage it this visit but you're looking forward to seeing them in your hometown.

You keep going on about what an appeaser and conflict avoider you are, and you are beginning to sound like a passive aggressive martyr and very tiring to be around. Your mum asked a straight question- do I invite your in-laws? You said it was up to them. But it isn't really up to her, is it, because you don't like her choice. You aren't happy, but rather than speak up you are doing a pious martyr 'I don't like to be difficult' act, while actually being difficult. You aren't a people pleaser, you want things your way by manipulation and guilt. Stop it. Either accept your mum's decision or speak up.

Are you sure you want them there? If they will know nobody you will be responsible for them and miss out on socialising with people you haven’t seen in ages.

My parents and I laws have little in common other than us, their dc and despite a friendly relationship they wouldn’t think of inviting them on a long trip to a family party. My in laws however are very friendly with other inlaws and would- just the way it is.

But if you really do want them, just ask!

I think you can speak to your mum. Remind her of the conversation. Apologise but say you've realised that actually because you're only here for a few days dh won't get to see his family unless they are at the party.

The long notice between you being invited and in laws being invited can be explained by you needing longer notice to plan but official invitations to UK people being sent now.

You're mum thought about inviting them and you didn't seem bothered maybe she was discouraged?

Tell your mum YOU are in a fix and could she help. You only have three days to visit and could she please invite your FIL and MIL as she suggested before so you and dh can see them.
A month is fine re invite not last minute at all.
Your mum I am sure will be happy to invite them, she has said as much already so just call her for goodness sake

@TheNavigator thanks for your insight

@LML83 you didn't seem bothered read my OP. My reply was that I thought it would be lovely

If I were your inlaws, I'm not sure that I would want to go to the party anyway, to be fair. It's unfair that your mum expects you around for the whole of the visit - will you be geographically close enough to inlaws to meet up for a day visit?

@MatildaTheCat this is also true however DMIL and DSIL are pretty sociable and would also have beach other. DSIL has been on a trip with my DBIL and DSis and us and knows them pretty well. I am very close with DMIL and DSIL and in fact met DH through DSIL who was my friend.
We're certainly not talking about strangers but rather people who have met numerous times but not spent significant time together

But you're all right i will just bring it up to DM and talk it over

@Inertia no not geographically close enough to pop in for lunch otherwise it wouldn't be such an issue ! The party is in a location about halfway between the two sets of families

I don’t think your response to your mother was particularly clear - I read it as a maybe, maybe not, up,to,you (but would be nice)

I was quite honest that it hadn't occurred to me at all since they didn't have that kind of relationship but that I thought it would be a very nice gesture and would make DH happy but that it was their party and up to them.

I'm puzzled.

Why would your DM invite a load of strangers from over seas, people she barely knows, to a party ? your DM actively socialises with your DSis MIL and they are friends, that's why she is invited.

If she does your ILs may feel obligated to attend, flights, clothes, presents, hotels. And you will have to spend the party shepherding them rather than socialising with people from your past.

@NewYearNewMe18 i think you misread. WE are overseas everyone else is in the same country. So we are visiting for the party. Not sure how that was unclear

NewYear the in-laws aren't overseas, the OP & her DH live overseas & are travelling back for her parents' party.

I think.

Oops! Cross posted with OP! 😀

OP I would call your mum and say you would like her to invite them. This would mean you could get to see in laws as well and would mean a lot to your dh.

1 month away a invite can be added.

@Aridane yes you're right about that in hindsight. As I mentioned above at the time DMIL just suddenly lost her partner and it was totally chaotic sorting her out. It was a particularly stressful period. So when DM asked me about it I honestly didn't have much headspace to think about it and gave a vague answer and presumed that she had planned to actually do it and was just checking with me.
She may well have read my response differently to intended, that I didn't really care, and decided against it. I actually didn't really care at that time with everything going on but now the dust has settled and the trip is coming up I guess I suddenly thought about it again

I thought your response to your mother sounded rather equivocal too; in fact, if I heard "it's your party and up to you", I'd probably infer that you'd rather they didn't come. My ILs had a (predominantly family) party; my MIL unexpectedly phoned and asked if she should invite my mum. I just said "Gosh, that's very kind of you, MIL - I'm sure she'd love to." And she did. No room for misunderstanding there.

Just speak to your mum about it. It can't be that big a deal, surely? And a month isn't a last minute invitation; it's not like asking them on Wednesday for the coming Saturday. Even for weddings invitations are usually only for six weeks hence.

"I thought it would be a very nice gesture and would make DH happy but that it was their party and up to them."

So they decided not to-which of course is fine.

But now that you are going for such a short time you want them there otherwise you won't see them?

I think that that's really cheeky tbh.

Could your husband not have stayed a couple of days longer?

What does your DH think?

My starting point would be to ask my DH if he would like his family to be there? As you are going for such a short time will he see them other than at the party and how far will they need to travel for this brief encounter?

Then if he says yes and they are happy to travel just ring your DM and ask if she will invite them. You were indecisive and vague when your DM asked, don't repeat that now, just ask the adults who are involved.